What is going on with this guy?

I've been having issues with a new co-worker. The office I'm in has staffing issues and is very, very busy. We communicate mostly by an internal messaging system as most of us are on the phones all day. The new guy is someone I don't directly work with so we really don't have much reason to interact, and we're both middle aged men. I keep to myself but have an active social life, he's small statured, mumbles when he talks, and I know very little about him.

He seemed okay at first, but has gradually become creepier, coming spontaneously into my cubicle and trying to see what's on my screen. He's denied snooping, but has gone as far as trying to peep on my personal laptop during breaks at a presentation. I've gone as far as snapping at him about this and his excuses have been something a child would write, he doesn't understand why there's a problem.

He also has little sense of personal space, coming into my cubicle when other people aren't around and getting uncomfortably close or blocking the entry.

Lately things have begun to escalate, he's verbalized people aren't nice to him and he's trying hard and feeling rejected...but to other staff he hardly says anything and it's a busy place, yet he seems offended/terrified if people walk by and don't engage him.

More and more he's come over in the morning and hanging out around me and becoming distressed when I tell him I'm busy and don't have time to talk. It finally came to a head this morning when we were short by a few people and rather than leave he stood there staring at me and became hostile, carrying on about how he was friends with everyone and I was being cruel. He finally retreated to his cubicle and rapid fired me messages on everything from his social anxiety to his dating status until I asked my supervisor to intervene. He was talked to by both my and his supervisors but I'm expecting on Monday it'll be back to square one.

What is this guy's problem and what can I do to get him to leave me alone?

Hello Zofodon: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry I can't tell you what is going on with the guy you described. Perhaps others, here on PC, will have some thoughts on the subject. I think probably what you can do is just what you did. Talk to your supervisor & let her or him handle it. I personally wouldn't even go to this man's supervisor if it's a different person. From my perspective at least that's not your job. It's your supervisor's. If I were in this type of situation I believe I would just keep going back to my own supervisor repeatedly until the issue is resolved one way or another. If your supervisor can't, or won't, resolve the issue then, to me, it would make sense to go to her / his supervisor, etc. up the chain of command.

Here are links to 4 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on how to deal with difficult people. Perhaps something in them will be of some help:

How to Deal with Difficult People at Work | The Psychology of Success

7 Tips for Setting Boundaries At Work

6 Difficult Types of People and How to Deal With Them

How to Deal With Difficult Work Relationships | Working Well

My best wishes to you...

Well, I can't say what his "problem" is or if there is anything wrong with him. What I can identify is your problem, which is that he is exhibiting poor boundaries and fails to respond to your requests for personal space. It seems like he has poor social skills, but that's not your responsibility. You're there to work. He seems to be inhibiting your ability to do that. I think going to your supervisors is the best you can do. Maintain your boundaries with him. If he comes over to talk about issues unrelated to work, tell him firmly that you have to work and cannot speak with him. Tell him to go back to his cubicle unless he needs to discuss something work related. Document everything. Keep updating your supervisors. I'm sorry you've had to go through this. Keep us updated on what happens.

Seesaw

Yes, please let us know what is happening. I am in this situation with one of my roommates here at the nursing home. She imposes herself into my part of the room, talks to me for long stretches, gives me crackers that I won't touch and have to waste because I won't eat anything she has touched.

She does not respect boundaries. Everytime she does this, I feel assaulted and I can feel myself wishing I could disappear rather than have her in my space. I'll have to get consistent about shutting my curtain again. I don't know how to get her to leave me alone. I tell her I don't want the crackers, she forces them on me anyway. I wear headphones because she triggers me and she stands there talking to me for 10 minutes. If I were polite and removed my headphones and an ear plugs, she tells me about how she's had a huge bowel movement. No joke. So I don't try to hear her at all.

Maybe I should complain about her to the social worker, as she complained about me.

So please let us know how this situation develops. I'm sorry I just wrote a bunch on my issue, guess it wanted to pour out.

This should be reported to HR. Especially the part about how he thinks no one likes him, etc. etc. Let them evaluate the situation. Don't depend on your supervisor.

That's probably not what you want to read. But you're not there to fix this guy and if he is middle-aged, then he is old enough to know his behavior is inappropriate. And if he does not know, HR should be equipped to explain what is appropriate to him and monitor the situation to make sure he understands.

I'm in the same boat. I have a coworker who does that same thing to me. And yes it is due to her terrible boundaries. Healthy boundaries with other people are the result of being raised with healthy boundaries. People who have terrible or even no boundaries, have attachment problems and have difficulty expressing themselves in healthy ways to other people. That's why your coworker confronted you via instant messaging. That's also why I reported my coworker to our mutual supervisor, so if she does it again, I will report her again and I will tell her face to face to stop or I will tell our mutual contract supervisor AGAIN (he already knows she did this to me 3 times).

As soon as you feel trapped or manipulated by someone else, that's because you've experienced their poor boundaries (imposing themselves on you). People with poor boundaries have very low emotional intelligence. And by emotional intelligence I mean that they appear aloof and quiet, only because they feel socially awkward, are afraid they are being judged by others, and worry excessively how they appear to others. They will also be a chatterbox and talk to you nonstop as though you're just a wall fixture they can focus on. They just want/need an audience to help them feel validated. That's why they will trap their victims in person or online -- because they still seek validation from others, instead of having learned how to validate themselves which is what emotionally intelligent people do.

These types also will always view themselves as the victims of others and of life, and will never EVER take responsibility for their behavior. Nothing is ever their fault (which is a total lie, fyi).

They always claim that they can't say "no" to anyone, because they are so in demand. So they set themselves up to be a Yes-Man/Woman and then go back and claim they are a martyr b/c they have no time for themselves, because they do so much for everyone else. They also LIE on a pathological level about themselves, about others, and about everything pretty much.

HR is not the move to make. HR's only interest is in the company men they employ. They don't care about contractors' lives they hire. You already reported this weird coworker to your supervisor. If that doesn't stop him, and you see him heading your way on Tuesday after the holiday, simply get up, walk over to your supervisor's desk and politely ask the supervisor if they had a chance to talk to your coworker, and report that your coworker is still interfering with your work by randomly bothering you about nothing work related and how uncomfortable it makes you.

That should hopefully put a stop to this craziness.