Overstressed Overwhelmed Overthinker

I've always had issues at work. Once I find something that bothers me, that is all that I can focus on. I know no job is ever perfect, but I cannot get myself to stop thinking about work issues at home. From when I first open my eyes, to when I'm laying down in bed, my thoughts drift over to work.

One job, I had this boss that felt like she always change her mind. Sometimes things were okay in this method, and somethings it wasn't. Maybe she never explained it correctly, or maybe we didn't have good time to sit down and actually talk through the process. As it was customer-facing title work, I never got to take time to understand how does things happen.

Then she gave me early release on the same week I had a day off. She messaged me, "You could've reminded me." Or something to that effect. Then for the next 3 days, I could only take a 30 minute break. Then one time, I had to ask her a question while she was shredding checks, since I tried the supervisor but she was busy. Just a quick answer, that's all I needed. Then she goes off on telling me to get the supervisor as she's busy. I went to the supervisor, and told her, and the supervisor jumped up to go tell the boss off, who went running into the bathroom. It got to a point where I was crying in bed.

Then my last job. 3 years of constantly being told I'm choosing servers over other servers, and letting a certain sex more customers over the other sex. So I started getting anxious when I had to choose which server gets what customer, or which server gets the family. Then I became a supervisor temporary as no one wanted the overnight shift, but I demoted myself when the Assistant Manager called me a fatass when I asked for more help, as I was the only one bussing the tables and greeting. Her shift had 3 other people in the business, but my shift it was just me, and she would just leave me with everything.

So not only was I being sexist, constantly trying to keep the servers from yelling at each other, and being told by management I wasn't helping, I started crying constantly. Anytime I had a bad day at work, I would cry. When a server called me sexist and stormed out, I would cry. Then I would go home and cry. Then I wonder on how i would handle it better, I would message my former coworker and they would try to cheer me up and tell me that I'm too kind for this world.

I found this job that fit each of my requirements. It's in Finance. It's not customer-service related. It's hybrid. It's office work and helping other departments. In the interview, they also added inventory and Front Desk and mentioned that it's very in-office with a very few chances at WFH. That it's a department of 2 maybe 3 in the future. That I could choose a schedule, so I choose to leave early as I made it clear that my husband works overnight.

I joined. I was trained, but things were shifting rapidly.

Some job tasks just disappeared off my plate. Ok, cool.

Then the former administer dropped all job duties, from inventory to IT work to mail runs and supplies runs. A lot of walking around tasks, but how can I walk around if I'm stationed at the Front Desk, at least I had another person in my department to help out.

So then it was just me and another woman. The manager asked the former about WFH possibilities for administer, and it was going to be a rotation but will think about it later. So now this idea is planted in my head. The other woman stepped up into a different department, but still half administer. Then she got the option of WFH, but the conversation about my WFH was pushed off. So the Admin/Now Payroll clerk is WFH whenever she wants. I'm envious. I can't wait. I start working on a 2 day/3 day split for us to rotate through. Then bad weather happens, and I get my WFH kit, I'm excited. I enjoy it. I get told to keep it but I'm not able to use it during work hours until I hit my probation period.

A week before, I send my manager an email about the WFH schedule. They response that I have to wait as it's still up to her. So now I'm constantly overthinking. She's going to say No. She's going to give me limits. Etc.

The meeting comes, it's agreed that I'm taking away from the Payroll Clerk, but I can WFH for 2 days. Since the Payroll Clerk will cover the Front Desk on those days. Ok, but I have to work around her and her issues, as she has many appointments. But we have to start late and leave late.

And I have to find coverage for the Front Desk on the times I have appointments or days off, so if me and the former Administer is both out, I have to make sure Payroll Clerk knows over a month in advance. Or they have to both know I have appointments upcoming and I need coverage for those times. I get it, it makes sense. Before this, I used to just tell Payroll hey I want to WFH this day and I have this day off the week before, but she also has my calendar to show my days out. However, I need verbal confirmation she understands that she has to cover me on those days, then I need to let my manager know before I get the approval for those days off. So I start getting frustrated that I have to look out for Former Admin and Payroll Clerk's schedule just to know if I can take a day off.

My husband made a good point of how else is the manager supposed to know whose coming in on my gone days, which makes sense, but I just let Payroll know a week ahead when trying to figure out WFH days for me. But I still feel like I'm asking them for favors when I have to find coverage. They don't ever ask me for coverage.

So I'm enjoying those days I get to WFH, but I'm always afraid that it will be taken away. As I've been warned over and over that my position is in office only, so me being able to WFH is just a privilege for the time being. So I start stressing myself to get all of my tasks done. But now that the Payroll Clerk is fully into her role, she's not helping as much on my department work. Now she's only helping covering the Front Desk, or if we are both in office, she will cover my breaks and lunches instead of me having to track someone down. When she's in office, I try to do my walking around tasks, as I don't feel like finding someone to cover me without complaints while I do my inventory count.

People are quitting or getting fired, a lot within 2 months, so I start getting concerned. The former administer starts finding mistakes in my work. It's simple mistakes, but it's every day. I start finding myself stressed that I'm not doing well enough, so I go to my manager and I end up crying. It ends with, these are not major complaints, that I need to get out of my own head, and that I need to raise my confidence. That she has absolutely no issues in my performance.

Then I find myself concerned when a week later, my grandfather is in the hospital, so I take a day off. I come back to hear that I shouldn't WFH that day, since I caused the Payroll Clerk to change her schedule and come in. Ok, sorry. Then I get into a conference call about outsourcing, so now everyone is concerned about the company. Then I get called to get training, I didn't see Payroll being busy at that time as I knew it was after her lunch. The phone is ringing, I answer the first time, but the trainer gets mad, I don't answer the rest of the phone calls. After the training, I get the messages that Payroll was away due to an emergency, and that if it's coworker to coworker, I need to always answer the phone calls. Ok, I'm done. I'm stressed. I say, sorry I'm just touchy today. I get on a call with the manager, she tells me I didn't mess up, it was the other coworker. I'm just afraid at this point. My grandfather, work outsourcing but supposed to be a good thing, budget cuts, people leaving, stepping on other people's toes.

I get told that I need to work on my confidence. I try. I need to go a month without getting overwhelmed. But just like last time, right before the big time crunch, I get overwhelmed.

I'm the only one working on the monthly task. I know if I get my half of the monthly task done, I won't have any extra work to do. But then during the time crunch period, that is when everyone will come in and help. However, this stresses me out, being the main responsible one for this task. As I see no progress being made. That I know I'm in charge of making sure this meets the monthly deadline. The other manager says she will get her department on it, but the method doesn't work during the time crunch, as I'm still spend most of my time updating the task, as no one else is actually updating it, they are doing the pieces, but not enough is being done at once.

Then we get early release, as someone has to cover the phones and the front desk. But if you want everyone to have a 2.5 weekend, why have it where I have to share it with the Payroll clerk? Not only does it complicate things from trying to figure out WFH and who gets early release. So me and other coworkers voice the concern about Administer position.

Then I get told maybe I can just do early release/wfh on Mondays. Ok, but that is still not the same as early release Fridays. I asked if me and Payroll Clerk can just keep it open either Monday or Friday. I get told no, that is just more complicated. Ok.

Then my manager messages me to come and talk. I come, I cry. I tell her I feel like an exception to the benefits that others have, but she reminds me to be grateful about getting WFH at all. And that the budget cut made it where I couldn't get a yearly increase, but it was just 5 cents, but also felt like it was just a tiny anthill. I'm also dealing with my siblings and them skirting the system. And I'm also having issues with my lack of time with my husband. She asks, so I tell.

A day later, I come back from lunch with a schedule changed for a meeting with my manager. I'm getting replaced and moved to the department I want. That I need to understand it's more stress, not to focus on the benefits as that can be taken away, and that Administer is In Office Only, but I'm grandfathered in as hybrid and I can stay hybrid as I'm transitioning. That I need to work on my anxiety and I can shadow the other department. That a new hire will come in about a month, and maybe in 8 months I can be promoted to the other department officially.

Then I get called by the former Administer. Told me don't stress about the time crunch deadline, as the other manager knows it was going to be bumpy. That they are going to help out and we got it. Then they scheduled a meeting for next week to figure out a better situation as they want the monthly task to be in their hands instead of my hands (haha funny that this is the same department I'm going to shadow...so it's going to go back into my hands).

So after those two meetings, I can only think that I'm once again an emotional mess. That they didn't see me right for the position and had to move me away. That this is because of the WFH. And I keep overthinking about how emotional I am. How much I cry at work. How it's becoming so apparent that I'm emotional mess at work, from crying at my desk to crying in person to crying at home. There's so many tears. I get stuck in thought loops. I can't leave the thought loops. I focus on my image of being the crybaby, and just imagine everyone around me seeing me as a mess.

My husband goes from being supportive to it grinding on his nerves on day 3 of me being emotional. Which you know, makes sense. I keep repeating myself. I'm technically getting what I want. Why is an administer even allowed to WFH? That I always find an issue at work and I can't keep finding reasons to change jobs. But then he will strike back that I need to find a new job if I don't like it so much.

I don't want to change jobs, I just want exactly what the job was listed as. Hybrid. No front desk. No phone calls. Stuck to my original schedule instead of my current schedule. In a department of 2 to 3. Ability to choose which WFH days instead of agreeing on WFH days.

During the month, I want work outside of the Monthly project. I can't do my half of the project too quickly or else I have nothing else to do. However, I don't like being the only one doing it, because I start feeling it's all on me. So is moving to a different department going to fix my concerns? Or am I just being in the Payroll Clerk's position to the new hire, so the new hire has to coordinate with my WFH/appointments/days off.

I have a lot of mixed emotions. I know this is supposed to be a good thing, but I can only see it in negative light.. I don't like changes. I don't like the restructuring. But I wanted to make sure I was treated like everyone else.