I usually try to find the person who likes to act the most maternal or sensitive and caring and shove them at the emotional person And let them handle it

I often just ask which they want. While scanning the horizon for the caring person to shove at them

This book is from 1984

Yes - showering is not optional. There is caring about showers. Definitely.

"as i was left to be awake all night and well into the morning now I was thinking a lot about psychology. i came to the conclusion that the field is a pseudo-science and by that i mean that nothing is based on fact. it is all theoretical. and it can never be based on fact because it isn't capable of it. you cannot prove pain and suffering, you can only express it. and in the same vein, one can only interpret and trust these expressions as a listener or therapist or psychiatrist or what-have-you. pain and suffering are mental in they way that they are manifested and controlled by the brain and body. biology; a true science. but it enters the pseudo realm when expressed and then subsequently attributed meaning to by an outsider. yes you can sympathize, empathize, and understand someones discomfort. but you cannot experience it for yourself. reality is subjective because it is all based on perception. my reality is not your reality at this moment in time. my pain is not your pain even if we both went through the same traumatizing ordeal. even if we are identical twins. Siamese twins!!! we each have our own brains to rely on and sometimes these organs malfunction and misfire which causes pain and suffering. but it cannot ever be a fact. it will never be proven.

this isn't to say that i don't believe in psychology or it's benefits to heal pain and suffering. i can see how the process is scientific because of the way one diagnosis, interprets, attributes meaning to symptoms, and then applies it to a scientific model. all i am trying to see and believe by this is that i do not want to be a label. i do not want to be post-traumatic stress disorder. psychotic. majorly depressed. addicted. eating disordered. these are not my names and i will not respond to them if called out to me. they are also not excuses for my choices and behavior, no matter how aberrant or abnormal they may get. i cannot label myself psychologically impaired because if i do i am then succumbing to a self-fulfilling prophecy. one that casts me out of the social system and into the stigmatized and marginalized sidelines. a system that cannot sympathize, empathize, or understand. a system of which i fear terribly. although i am not ashamed of who i am and what i have been through and although i am, at most times, an open-book, if you will; i fear the repercussions that accompany such pseudo-scientific diagnoses; repercussions that come from external sources (i.e. society) and internal sources (i.e. self). i will not be deemed disabled and i will not give in to being impaired. i will thrive in my pain and suffering. i will express it as much as possible to any length because i know that good can come of it and that i may eventually heal it."

9/12/2012

"i have to be up in 6.5 hours. i have to be coherent in 6.5 hours. i have to gain control of my thoughts in 6.5 hours.

i took the luvox at 9pm. i am being held hostage by my mind. i cannot get comfortable.i rotate counter-clockwise through all my usual sleeping positions. all the while my mind is spinning and weaving a story for me. a story i don't understand. a story that doesn't make much sense. a story that is not being told by me. sometimes it's like a game that my mind is playing on me. word association. a word comes up, then another somewhat related, then another, and another, and another. endless.

what am i going to do with myself right now? how can this be solved? does anyone truly understand this torment? not just the insomnia but the also the obsessive and intrusive thoughts? the need to recount my activities i did today in order with as much detail as possible? remember and recite every conversation i had? when i mess up and remember something afterward i have to go back. i have to start all over. but then again even when i am done, when i have totally accounted for everything that occurred during my waking hours, i do it all over again. i'm not done. my mind is not done with me. as i reluctantly feel my mind starting to retrace my steps once more i hear my own thought, a thought that i have, that i control, that is me, "what the **** am i doing?"

an eternity is a night of no sleep when all you want is to not be awake anymore. "

Why arent you a doctor? Well, i know why - you got waylaid, pushed off your path, kept from fulfilling your true potential. But you are one smart person. Its not too late, youre only 30.

If you ever retire from lawyering, maybe you should become a professional matchmaker.

As for thunderstorms, I adore them. They make me feel alive. It must be all the electricity in the air. So I will enjoy storms on behalf of anyone who doesn't want to.

I think some of those people still believe in the Wandering Womb theory

Ooh, and you could combine matchmaking and therapy - offer marriage counseling to the matches that don't work out!

I have never taken "therapy is not a science" to mean therapy has no value.

I do often think the "therapy is an art, not a science" line is used as an excuse for mistakes by the therapist. I have heard it used so.

Watching The Keepers. Holy ^%$#.

Then I wondered: are there people out there who are truly, genuinely happy with their lives?

Or maybe I should ask: anybody here pretty happy/satisfied/contend with their life? Even taking into considerations lives ups and downs?

I can't wait 'til Season 5 of House of Cards. Not even two more days! (Yes, I had to use an exclamation point there.) So excited.

I woke up sad for like 3 days. No one or no event has ever affected me like that.

I finished the move a couple minutes ago and now he is in the other room laughing and talking like nothing ever happened. Maybe he just wanted me to do the computer work. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I just don't. I hate it so much because I feel helpless there is nothing I can do to make him feel better since it is all in his head.