[Jessika_Smile]

Ugh what a conundrum I'm in.

All I keep thinking about is how horrible this is of me. But I haven't felt this good in a REALLY long time.

Synopsis:
3 years ago I started smoking weed on a regular basis. In my eyes it made me feel a lot better. I relaxed, I could be myself, and it just helped my over all out-look on life. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and I see a therapist and receive medicine from that. I've never touched any other street drug other than marijuana.

Well 9 months ago I stopped smoking weed due to my mother and boyfriend being completely against it. I'm 24 and still live with my mom. So it was either quit or get out of the house. So I filled my time up with a different addiction; my boyfriend. Well my boyfriend and I have had such a rocky relationship. He's controlling, obsessive, needy, and to some degree abusive. After being with him for only 3 months I became pregnant. Still wasn't smoking weed and thought that was good that I had stopped because now I've become pregnant. I had cravings to smoke but nothing was too overpowering that would've led me to do it. But my tension and stress level has been on the rise since the start of our relationship. And finally it got too overwhelming and I gave in. I started smoking a month ago..... I feel horrible about doing this to my unborn son. I'm 7 months pregnant. The thing is, I've felt so much better mentally. The fighting with my boyfriend has subsided. Before I started going back to weed we would fight almost daily, I had suicidal thoughts almost every week, and I lost a sense of who I was. And now, we haven't fought, no suicidal thoughts, and I'm regaining the things I like to do again. I have a better outlook on life. He's been a better person around me, because I've stood up for myself more. I feel like we talk more, share more and are on the same page now a days. He does not know I smoke, and would be VERY mad if he knew I had started smoking again; especially with his unborn son.

I don't know what to do. I feel horrible for doing this while pregnant, but I can't seem to handle it otherwise. It's weird because this whole pregnancy I had been very on the fence about being a mom to be, but since I started smoking I've gotten very excited and finally looking forward to the future.

I see my therapist every other week and go to group skills; with that I've tried to manage and control my stress and sanity. I want to tell my therapist the truth about me and my smoking again; but I'm afraid of what will happen. Will they put me away? Call the cops? She knows my history and my history of smoking, but now I'm involving another human "my unborn son" and that's when I'm wondering if they'll put me away. But I want to be honest with my therapist and not hide it.

I really rather not hear how crappy of a person I am for doing this because yes I do know this is wrong and I feel horrible for it. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in posting this.

((Jessika_Smile))) you've made the first step by telling the truth to you and us.
I think you.re looking for support and what to do imo. asking for help
which does not make you a bad person at all.
Try telling you T and the babys Dr too. They need to know if you can tell them.
imo it sounds like you care very much for your baby. Tell the truth if you can for your baby, and you too.
Remmeber you matter.................

[Christina86]

Hey ((((((((((Jessika)))))))))))))

I'm going to agree with Muffy here.

If you're afraid to directly 'speak' to your T - print off your post here. You're not a bad mother, but you may be putting undue pressure on your baby. Which would just mean a lot of regret and stuff for you.

Are you on any antidepressants or something else to deal with your feelings and stuff, that's not weed or another illicit substance? Perhaps that's something to discuss with your doctor/therapist. It might help you deal with things.

I don't think they'll put you away. After all, many people smoke/drink and do far more harm to themselves when bearing children and no bad legal repercussions befall them. They'd only do it if they thought you posed a "life or death" risk to your child. Also, dependent on the country you're in - an unborn child doesn't have rights unless it can survive outside of the womb itself. Or something like that...

Anyway: Long story short (sorry!) ... talk to your therapist, talk to your doctor. They're there to help you. Perhaps looking into outpatient treatment for addictions would be useful??

[my3sns]

Well let me say first that i dont think your a horrible person !
I would just caution you though that "weed" supposedly stays in the system for at least 30 days i hear. ( havent tested this myself, but used plenty) Anyway, usually here in the US when a baby is born they do run drug screens (however i dont know if they have to have a particular reason to do this or if its standard) and if a baby tests positive they will remove the child from the home , because of child endangerment as well as charge the parent. So if i were you , i think i would get on the ball and find out the answers to loads of legal type questions , before i was in too much hot water legally. Remember, with babies anything can happen and this child could come at any time , not necessarily close to the due date.
I will be thinking of you . I know how hard it is to get clean and stay that way !

[kittenkirk]

This has to come from my heart. What is more important...being at peace with your boyfriend or having a baby grow up with a mom that smokes and can't change a diaper? I smoked when I was pregnant...mostly I justified it by saying it helped with my morning sickness. But when my dad found out...I said it couldn't hurt the baby he asked me how did I know? Yes, I didn't know what the outcome would be. So I stopped smoking while pregnant only to pick it up again after my child was born....and do it again with the second child. Only when I found out that I didn't want to get up and change my baby's diaper...cause I would rather hang out and smoke..thus when I did get up I couldn't stand up cause I was so stoned...I realized that my child's welfare was more important to me than smoking. Not to say that I was a perfect mom after that...I forgot that day and continued to smoke and drink after my kids went to school. I figured they're at school what's the harm....hummmm I have more stories...and I didn't stop until I was arrested for DWI and the fear of the pot in my system for 30 days and then being found out that's when I quit entirely...and went to the alcohol exclusively....hey it's legal. I hated drinking cause of the way I'd act but without the pot I needed something.
I hope this helps....oh I finally got off all drugs and alcohol at the ripe age of 44. I hope it doesn't take you on the highway to hell as it did me.

[Shellbe]

i think talking to your T is a good idea and I think what the other person said is true about being tested at birth. And even for pot, they will take away your son. At 7 months, i would try to stop, your hardest. easier said than done but it's not worth losing your baby in the long run. I would dare to say that you would think the same.

i know that feeling of feeling better when smoking. I am trying ot stop myself and it's not easy. i keep messing up. But they don't give a damn if you "mess up", they will take your son in a heartbeat if you test positive. Try your hardest to chill for a while. Keep thinking of being able to have that clean conscious. it's better for your son too. take care of yourself.

[madisgram]

jess, if we use a substance to create a feeling or get rid of a feeling it's a warning sign of dependancy. having said that, i'd discuss your situation with your therapist first, before the doc. i know some will disagree but i don't think you posted here just for us to say it's ok or it's bad of you. you posted i believe because it troubles you..this useage....for your welfare as well as for your baby's sake. i wish you well and hopefully you will get help for yourself and to protect your baby's health. no moral benders here from me...if one chooses to use that's one thing...but your baby is not being given a choice here. that's how i see it, imho.

[jilly143]

Originally Posted by Jessika_Smile

Ugh what a conundrum I'm in.

All I keep thinking about is how horrible this is of me. But I haven't felt this good in a REALLY long time.

Synopsis:
3 years ago I started smoking weed on a regular basis. In my eyes it made me feel a lot better. I relaxed, I could be myself, and it just helped my over all out-look on life. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and I see a therapist and receive medicine from that. I've never touched any other street drug other than marijuana.

Well 9 months ago I stopped smoking weed due to my mother and boyfriend being completely against it. I'm 24 and still live with my mom. So it was either quit or get out of the house. So I filled my time up with a different addiction; my boyfriend. Well my boyfriend and I have had such a rocky relationship. He's controlling, obsessive, needy, and to some degree abusive. After being with him for only 3 months I became pregnant. Still wasn't smoking weed and thought that was good that I had stopped because now I've become pregnant. I had cravings to smoke but nothing was too overpowering that would've led me to do it. But my tension and stress level has been on the rise since the start of our relationship. And finally it got too overwhelming and I gave in. I started smoking a month ago..... I feel horrible about doing this to my unborn son. I'm 7 months pregnant. The thing is, I've felt so much better mentally. The fighting with my boyfriend has subsided. Before I started going back to weed we would fight almost daily, I had suicidal thoughts almost every week, and I lost a sense of who I was. And now, we haven't fought, no suicidal thoughts, and I'm regaining the things I like to do again. I have a better outlook on life. He's been a better person around me, because I've stood up for myself more. I feel like we talk more, share more and are on the same page now a days. He does not know I smoke, and would be VERY mad if he knew I had started smoking again; especially with his unborn son.

I don't know what to do. I feel horrible for doing this while pregnant, but I can't seem to handle it otherwise. It's weird because this whole pregnancy I had been very on the fence about being a mom to be, but since I started smoking I've gotten very excited and finally looking forward to the future.

I see my therapist every other week and go to group skills; with that I've tried to manage and control my stress and sanity. I want to tell my therapist the truth about me and my smoking again; but I'm afraid of what will happen. Will they put me away? Call the cops? She knows my history and my history of smoking, but now I'm involving another human "my unborn son" and that's when I'm wondering if they'll put me away. But I want to be honest with my therapist and not hide it.

I really rather not hear how crappy of a person I am for doing this because yes I do know this is wrong and I feel horrible for it. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in posting this.

I have a five year old daughter, and am 30 I was on a methadone clinic when I got pregnant, I came off when I found out, even though the clinic told me it was a bad idea. I stayed clean until two weeks befoe my due date, I did an oxy cotin. I told my DOctor because I was scared it would hurt her, I was lucky that they monitored her and she was ok, they put her on medication to be safe, and I never felt worse. Smoking weed, for people that do drugs like I did, is usually not a bad thing,I dont smoke, cuz I dont like what it does to me, but I also dont do any drugs as a recovering addict. I think you should really try to stop while you are pregnant. I dont know what the exact things it can do to your child. I do know although talking to a therapist is good, ecspeccialy sence you said you where having suicidale thoughts, just so you know if you tell your therpist you are smoking while pregnant by law she is supposed to call child services or she can loose her license. They where called on me for what I did, they are a pain it depends on who they send and who you have to deal with. If I where you I would really just try to stope smoking, from what I know there are not bad physical withdrawels, I went through hell coming off oxy's. I know it can be hard to come off any drug, The main thing is your boyfriend sounds like he is not good to you, if you need to put a substance in your bosy to basically deal with him,,thats not good. I know you cant help you love, but you have to think about your child now. It is a hard thing I just hope you continue to talk to someone about any severe thoughts of hurting your self. I have been there, it is a horrible place to be. If you need someone to talk to, write me anytime, I will write back as soon as I can. try to keep your head up, and really get some help with your relationship. It sounds like that is your trigger. Jillian

[Bats0711]

Well you aren't a crappy person at all, you're Bipolar...there's a difference
My only thought here is you should absolutely tell your doctor because the effects marijuana can have on meds isn't clear nor is it clear what exact effects it can have on an unborn child. Enough of my this is what you need to do.
Let me tell you what I didn't do....I didn't stop drinking or smoking pot and the health risks were amazing. Although my child ended up a sweet, beautiful, intelligent little girl; my life was almost taken from me because of the choices I made while pregnant. I don't think you are an awful person at all for it, how about considering just stopping until your little one is born? Then you are free to decide to go back to it. If you have a problem with coming off then definately seek medical help with it. Thank you for your honesty. Trust me when I say you have helped someone today.