[Raynaadi]

For those of you who don't know, I entered the program with someone a little over a month and a half ago. We went to our first meetings together and got our chips together. We talked about how much better we were feeling, and discussed the newness of sobriety. We talk every day. He calls to make sure I'm awake in the morning. It was getting hard for him to make it to the same meeting as me because of his work schedule, so I've been seeing him less and less. He said he was still hitting meetings when he could find one, and calling his sponser (a man from my home group). I've been fearing that he would drink or had been and tonight he did. He left me a message while I was on the phone with my dad. I called him back and talked to him a little and told him to call his sponser, because I have no clue what to say. He kept apologizing for calling but I told him I needed to hear it, because next time I get the urge to pick up, I'll remember how miserable he sounded. I told him we're all just as close to that drink. I told him to get rid of the alcohol. He's kept a full bar at his house because he couldn't bare to pour it down the drain. But he actually bought the beer on the way home. He says he doesn't know how it happened. I guess I could say I'm shocked but I'm not. And I feel horrible about that. I didn't think he was working a strong program, but I kept that to myself because it's not my place. My sponser even told me that maybe we were too close, and then I realized I wasn't working MY program, I was working OURS. So I've been pulling away, and doing things with the women in my homegroup, and doing my step work. And I seriously was afraid he would drink. I even suspected it one morning when he didn't go to work. I feel so guilty about those thoughts even though I know I shouldn't. I called my sponser right after I got off the phone with him. She knows him. She talked me through and I felt ok shortly after. Shouldn't I feel worse? Shouldn't I be freaking out? Crying? But all I can think is, "Thank God it's not me." I guess I"m having "survivors guilt." Oh man....I need some experience strenght and hope about this. What happened the first time a friend slipped?

Not knowing what the hell to think,
Rayna

PS-At first I was going to call my AA friends because that's what we do right? But then I was afraid my motives weren't right, that it wasn't my place to tell them, even thought their in my home group, so I didn't call anyone. Is it ok to call my friends?

[Raynaadi]

This just is so wierd...ugh.

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((RAY))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think your feelings are normal. This step that you have taken was for yourself not for your friend. You decided to get Sober because you knew that your life needed to take a different direction. You should feel so incredibly proud of yourself. I think your decision to talk to him after he had been drinking was probably something I would have done also. I would want a reminder as to why I quit in the first place. Please dont be too hard on yourself for thinking "glad it not me". Those feelings, to me, are natural. I dont know if I would have called anyone either. But I am glad that you at least posted here because I know its better to get it all out rather then bottle it up. If you feel like you should call those ppl, then do so. I am behind whatever you decide.
You have made some great progress here Ray. Your so strong. Your doing just fine.

((((((((((((((((((((rayna)))))))))))))))))))))

[Allan]

I am really sorry this had to happen but it is not that uncommon for people to have a slip. I think talking to him was a good idea because like what was said, it will help YOU out when the cravings come along. It is best if he called his sponsor or someone who has had some amount of time in recovery. Even though I have had years in recovery with no slip (Thank You God) it still helps me to see or talk to someone who is using. It helps me to keep in my mind what type of life that was and how low I felt and that today is alot better than those days were. We need to use anything we can to help us remember what it was like and help us to keep looking forward in recovery. Slips happened to me in the beginning and I felt terrible. But now I have been able to learn from those times. Hang in there. You are not alone. All we have is today. Other people have choices just like we do and sometimes they and also we make the wrong choice. But it is NEVER to late to start again on the road to recovery.

Allan

[Raynaadi]

Thanks guys! He came to the meeting at my home group today because one of our friends was getting her 90 days. Another person brought up the topic of relapsing and I thought it was so amazing that that happened while he was there. To me that was the HP's work, because the whole meeting revolved around slips. But he didn't seem to think it was that cool. He said he would have brought it up if she hadn't. But he never shared when he went to meetings. I don't know. I feel really wierd around him now. It just makes no sense, but I seriously feel really wierd around him. I don't know. Thanks for your replies. I'm really tired! Haha, thanks again.