Grieving

I just stumbled across a random forum where a heavy drug user posted some interesting thoughts on the grief cycle. I am currently 1 year clean, after 10 years of heavy use of marijuana, LSD, ecstasy and cocaine. I have been struggling with living the clean lifestyle in that I still feel like an addict. I don't crave like I used to, but I am not happy. I am struggling to live. I have rage fits, still take advantage of everyone around me, and I am struggling to change. Upon reading about the grief cycle I had a revelation, and having no one to share this with, I would really like to share it with all of you. I hope you find something in it, as it applies to more than just drugs. As human beings we grieve over what we have lost and what we have felt, people, alcohol, drugs, loved ones, bad experiences, anything and everything, we grieve. It is human nature.

We associate drugs with something very bad, and thus we go through a grief cycle when we stop using.

The Grief Cycle

1) The original incident: death, trauma, in this case drug use

2) Denial - reality is too painful
feelings: sense of unreality, initial panic, fear, disbelief, confusion, defensiveness, delusion

3) Anger - painful response to the loss, ie no more drugs AHHH, we become angry when we can't control other people, places or things, an unhealthy expression of this is bitter resentment, abuse, depression
feelings: guilt, fear, aggression, mood swings, rage, blaming

4) Sorrow & despair - tears and crying, and unhealthy expression of this leads to self pity and depression
feelings: self pity, hopelessness, out of control, pain

5) Bargaining - process of wanting to change, it is important not to shift blame externally here, we must take responsibility and change for ourselves and others.
feelings: guilt, repression, should statements, self pity, compromise, shame, religious/spiritual acts

6) Acceptance - acknowledging that nothing lasts forever and taking the courage to accept it
feelings: wellness, surrendering, forgiveness, joy pain, humility, connected, awareness

I have been searching for reasons as to why I am not getting any better. I realized that although I am slowly moving on from anger, I am stuck in sorrow (I self pity) and a I am bargaining in a negative way. I still use external blame. I found reading this really helped me to understand where I am, where I have been, and where I need to go. I still have a long journey ahead of me, and any advice is greatly appreciated. I just hope somebody reads this and gets something out of it, like I did.

The question at present is, how do I get myself to stop self-pitying?

I would get out there and do some volunteer work or something of that nature and get out of the trap of internalising everything. I have been where you are now and the only way out is radical change and that means everything friends, hang outs etc. but I guess you know that already. But trust me once out the other side life is SO much better.

Hello Plutarch,
Nice to meet you..and congratulations on your revelation. Each and everyone of us who has been down this road can certainly understand the courage it takes to go down these steps..it is not easy, but you have helped me and that I don't feel so alone.

I am between the 5 & 6 steps to where acceptance is something I am slowly trying to reach...some days I think I am there and other days I feel like I am back a step but i just try to always stay positive and reading your post reminds me of where I am...and that's a good thing...thanks.

One of my therapists would tell me to enjoy my pity parties. Just realize, he said. at some point the party must end. There is important work to do.

Hi, Plutarch,
Everyone here has given good insights and advice.
I also have studied they cycles of grief. In my exp (and I believe everyone's is different), the cycles were not clean-cut in going from one to another, but overlapping, and even taking steps back before taking baby steps to move forward. While, yes, I did recognize the stages, eventually moving beyond them, there is another aspect of grief that I believe has nothing to do with the cycle model.

In my case, I"ve recognized that as a child I was programmed to be unhappy, and that is the state in which I'm most comfortable. My role models for romantic relationships were destructive and unhappy, and, without recognizing what I was doing, I gravitated toward (or created) the same in each attempt I made to find a partner. At the demise of each attempt, I spent inordinately long times in recovery and "grieving," till finally a lightbulb came on. I realized the grief was that which was familiar, and that I subconsciously created the grief situation for myself repeatedly.

It was hard to acknowledge this nature within myself, and something which is only recent for me. I'm not suggesting that you have the same patterns, since you discussed something entirely different. Just wanted to share.
Patty

I really do believe that we go through these cycles of grief when giving up an addiction.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am glad others relate to what I wrote above. Although it is listed as steps, it is a cycle, feelings and actions can occur in any order, although I found it strange that I often moved through the cycle in that order...sometimes going backwards...and then a little forwards and so on. I am no longer angry, although I will have a bad day where I proceed to take out my frustrations on a close friend. This feels like a big step backwards and is really frustrating, especially when I have had such a good week. I know I just need to keep working hard, eventually it will come. Or I hope it will...I am not sure what else I can do. I try not to be too hard on myself.

TheByzantine: thank you. Self-pitying is good to a certain point and I partly agree with your therapist. But everything in moderation. Self-reflexion is a good thing. Self-pitying to the point of debilitation is not. I think your therapist was describing more of a healthy self-reflexion. But your therapist is also very right in that yes, the party must eventually end.

Patty: it's quite amazing, you voiced something I have been debating for a long time. The whole: programmed to be unhappy at a young age. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It has really made me realize that it wasn't just in my head. I often debate if I sort of defaulted to being unhappy and self-pitying because I was in a way programmed to do so. I don't know how to be happy because my comfort zone is sadness. So as you worded perfectly, and I will re-iterate, I subconsciously put myself in situations that will force me into a cycle of grieving. There is nothing outwardly wrong with me, so it is almost as though I create bad situations to use them as an excuse for my feelings. Hence the prior drug addiction. It is the only way I know how to live and fuel my sadness. Which in turn fuels my behaviour. Again with the cycles!

For a while I have been trying to break this cycle. I figured I was a person raised with a pessimistic worldview and I have been working to change this into a positive worldview...not that easy!!! some days are good, some are bad. As with any issue, consistency is key.

Anyone have some advice for a lost soul trying to find happiness? ...is the keep on trying solution really all there is?

This article makes sense to me: http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752

Thank you so much for the article TheByzantine. You hit the nail on the button, or however it goes. Very helpful! It really got me thinking about all the reasons as to why I am the way I am. It is very important to know and understand where we come from to fully appreciate and understand who we are today.

I liked your grieving post and the Seeker post.

I think getting to the point of acceptance is a life long process sometimes and in the way we reach acceptances.

In that, realising that we cannot control everything and that we are not victims. We have the power to deal with things and be good to ourselves.

I think that if you keep finding yourself in self pity - maybe think what is it that you are self pitying and the voices that are in your head while you do self pity.

What needs to happen so you stop self pity and start self love?

A good book is
TA Today : A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis, by Ian Stewart and Vann Joines

Tatyana, thanks for sharing.

It is my priviledge, TheByz. Hope you are all well xxx