I want to use right this very minute. It's been months.
BUT - why not be the low life and STILL as they think a drug head.

Too Much Too Much

[Gabi925]

I don't understand well. But i felt to write you no matter; to show you I think and care.

[mafub]

Star, be the star of your life. I have BPD, didn't always, better now---but there are those who just love to keep me in that "slot!" No matter how long or how much of a change there has been. I'm an outcast or do I cast myself out? I hurt, I run! I make myself a blur, don't want to be around so I won't slip and say something to give more ammunition to the "other" side, the side that "loves" me.

Before Mother's Day and after Mother's Day, still I am in a dying state. My two estranged adult children contacted me with love. So happy and grateful I felt. Then, it hit me! I couldn't let all the "snub love" pass and not say anything...so I did. ---Something about it hurt!-- "I'm sorry, to late, time for renewal is gone, at least we can be civil "Love you, always did, still do! Mom, xoxox" ---Now, I worry about destroying what little time that could have been. But I couldn't leave it alone---I wanted my hurt acknowledged! What will be the price? I'm right back in the hurting, burning black hole.

Don't you take yourself there!! You are worth too much to many. You just don't look them in the face at PC. Stay away from those that won't let you be free from the past and look at the future you are building. Are you building on your own" Do you have constant professional help to get you through these times before the meds help? You seem to be very fragile. Those fairy wings are delicate and must be protected, least they fray and become too frail. Take care, dear Starlite, You are so lovable!

[paddym22]

Starlite, I am so sorry you are in pain. Do you have back up plan? Do you know what has triggered this? Have you been complaint with your meds? What has destablised you? I know that you havent been around as much, but you do pop in. Maybe now would be a good time to come back to PC and get involved the way you used to, you are a such a bright light here and are have been great in supporting others, now might be a time to get some of that back.

I know the challenge you are faced with and it is not easy. Do you go to NA, have you a sponsor? Is there anyone IRL you can call on to help you through this really difficult phase.

Write more to us. I am in a completely different time zone to you, my day is your night but I do check in and will listen and understand.

((((((((Starlite))))))))))

Hang in there friend.

[paddym22]

Starlite how are you doing?

[stove14]

what you're going thru can be so hard sometimes,
KNOW that there ARE ppl who understand and care!
Hang on! This too will pass.

I have a christain sister brought me back to God two years ago. We hadn't had contact in 20 years.
I kept trying to push her away. She insitisted she wanted her big sister.

THEN after I get off the STUFF - she doesn't believe.
AND
THEN decided not to talk to me anymore.

I know what I wrote about doing it cuz they don't believe anyway:
Stupid comment.

Lots of ugly stuff going on in my life, like everyones, I guess.

Being bipolar, I guess, it all jumbles up into a huge circle.

AND it never stops.

example: Mate loses job, after 20 years. Then car needs fixing. Instead of fixing guy rips me off for $300.00. Leaving end balance to fix $300 problem into a 700 one because I had to have the dealer fix it.
Then Sister dies.
Then this then that....

Lifes & Times of...

Originally Posted by mafub

Star, be the star of your life. I have BPD, didn't always, better now---but there are those who just love to keep me in that "slot!" No matter how long or how much of a change there has been. I'm an outcast or do I cast myself out? I hurt, I run! I make myself a blur, don't want to be around so I won't slip and say something to give more ammunition to the "other" side, the side that "loves" me.

Before Mother's Day and after Mother's Day, still I am in a dying state. My two estranged adult children contacted me with love. So happy and grateful I felt. Then, it hit me! I couldn't let all the "snub love" pass and not say anything...so I did. ---Something about it hurt!-- "I'm sorry, to late, time for renewal is gone, at least we can be civil "Love you, always did, still do! Mom, xoxox" ---Now, I worry about destroying what little time that could have been. But I couldn't leave it alone---I wanted my hurt acknowledged! What will be the price? I'm right back in the hurting, burning black hole.

Don't you take yourself there!! You are worth too much to many. You just don't look them in the face at PC. Stay away from those that won't let you be free from the past and look at the future you are building. Are you building on your own" Do you have constant professional help to get you through these times before the meds help? You seem to be very fragile. Those fairy wings are delicate and must be protected, least they fray and become too frail. Take care, dear Starlite, You are so lovable!

Lots of this I can relate...
Too much detail, so I won't
Can't change it anyway
It's all good - but it's not

[stove14]

thank you for sharing it can be very hard to "tell"
I want to help but i dont want to say something that might trigger for you - i'm not sure what i can say and not, but i DO understand the struggle you face and then pile on lifes everyday stuff....can be SO hard to not give in and make it all not matter for just a little while...my heart goes out to you big

[valfor]

(((Starliite)))) hugs to you and I am thinking of you and am here listening

fell (for a second)

2 days past and
body & mind are now suffereing the consequences

[stove14]

a hug and a smile to soothe and warm you;

something to eat and drink to nurture you;

toys and paints for distraction(to help you stay grounded);

and a big ol YEA YOU! because you deserve it.

Why?, because to me... you ARE WORTH it.

[montylyn]

Sweetie, I hope your doing better !! Have faith and not not easy when your feeling that way but I know what it is to want to use but I don't let the drug control me, I am in control...........Linda

starlite*111, glad you got up and on your way again.

[sanityseeker]

(((((((((((starlite))))))))))))) Thinking good thoughts for you. Be well.