[splitimage]

Today I went to the contemplative group at the hospital I go to for my addictions treatment. It's a harm reduction group, but it's also the group that people start out in while they're building up the required 2 weeks of sober / clean time to get into the core abstinance based treatment program. So there's a real mix of people there. I go to it, because it provides some additional structure to my week & because I figure I can use the extra support while I'm job hunting.

Well today there was a woman there who had been in an abstinance based women's only group 18 months or 2 years ago. She'd dropped out of the group when school started as she was a supply teacher. But she seemed to be doing really well when I last saw her.

She told the group today that she'd relapsed bad, attempted suicide twice this year, lost her car, her condo - basically everything and was renting a room that she might get kicked out of if she doesn't stop drinking, because apparently when she drinks she blacks out and gets violent. She said she'd spent the last 5 nights in her condo before it got repossessed today, drinking.

And she told the group today that her goal wasn't to get back to abstinance but to try to control her drinking. i was torn between wanting to scream "are you crazy?" at her, and thinking thank God that's not me. She's had to go on disability which puts her well below the poverty line.

And the thing is, that could so easily be me. It really scares me. I'm so stressed out about job hunting that all I want to do is drink and obliterate my feelings except I know that would make things infinitely worse for me.

I can't wait to get to my AA meeting tomorrow morning, because i know that for the 90 minutes I'm there I won't be freaked out and stressing.

I so have to stay sober right now.

--splitimage

[DelusionsDaily]

wake up calls are a good thing for me... reminds me what that life will bring me-more misery,more pain and what it will take from me-EVERYTHING. It's a reminder for me to keep my feet under the tables of AA and doing the work.

[Gus1234U]

Well Done, SplitImage~!! i'm glad you have access to supportive groups, and hope you never find yourself in that situation where your illness has taken everything~! and you too, Melisssa. Thanks for sharing. Gus

[madisgram]

((((((SI))))) you know aa has that saying, "better you than me." i used to think that was unkind but what it really means "but for the grace of god go i". know this was definitely a sad story to hear. but it can keep your eyes in the right direction. only 10 in 100 ppl stay sober. it's a sad statistic. you have shown me that you desire to stay sober more than to drink. i know sometimes in early sobriety or when we have a history of relapse it's scary. but my sponsor once said to me when i asked her why she hadn't fired me long ago, she said, "because you have the desire to get/stay sober." that defines you too.
splitimage, do you absolutely need to get a job right now? i'm wondering bout that cause it can stress u out especially with the depressed job market.
glad u're looking forward to your meeting. just stay the course as you have. as for feeling like you want to drink to relieve the stress, how bout sharing that at the meeting? it will let others know you are struggling some and will disperse the urge. don't know why that works but it does. my sponsor told me one time, "well how are ppl going to know you are struggling unless you share that?" makes sense. so i did many times. put my ego in my pocket and spoke up.
hope maybe something i say here will help you. also let us know re the job thing. maybe we can give you productive ideas re this.

You are in my thoughts, splitimage.

[splitimage]

Thanks everybody - I guess I'm especially scared because I do have a history of relapsing. Yesterday - Nov. 6 was 4 months sober for me. That's the longest I've managed since completing rehab in summer 09.

Madisgram - I wish I didn't need to job hunt but I do. I lost my job at the end of June, then spent July recovering from the car crash and Aug. to Mid Sept. in the psych hospital. All of that was necessary but I feel like it put me behind in terms of job hunting. I've made it to final cadidate stage on one job, and I'm expecting to hear from them on Mon. as to whether or not I got it. I'm afraid I may have shot myself in the foot because I told the owner that I had a commitment every Tues. morning that meant I wouldn't be able to start until 11:30 but that I'd make up the hours during the week. That's so I can stay in aftercare at my hospital. Now I'm thinking I shouldn't have raised it until after they made me an offer.

I have another interview with a recruiter coming up Wed. morning about a couple of analyst jobs that I might be suitable for, in case the controller's job doesn't come through.

Financially, I've been really careful with my severence money so I'm ok through Jan. plus in Dec. I become eligible for unemployment insurance but that's not very much money. If I start using my savings, I'll be ok through March before I have to start dipping into my RRSP's (CDN equivalent of 401K). But my supplemental health insurance from work runs out at the end of Dec. and we don't have anything like COBRA that would let me continue it, and my meds are $800 / month. I could stop taking one med and it would go down to $400 / month which is more manageable but still expensive. So yeah I do need to be job hunting.

Most days I'm ok, but occassionally I get really spinny with stress over job hunting, and then I just have to take a deep breath and remind myself that I'll be ok, as long as I don't drink.

[madisgram]

more later SI on your post/job but just wanted to say i'm rooting for you!!! thanks for your reply to our posts.
oh and CONGRATS on 4 months. a great accomplishment for any alcoholic so don't pooh pooh your new anniversary