[splitimage]

I know it's my own stupid fault & I really should know better, but I drank pretty heavily even by my standards the last week of drinking. I took my last drink, and I ferverently pray it will be my last drink ever last Thurs. eve. before starting rehab on Fri. Coming off the alcohol has been tough. Oh technically I've had worse physical withdrawals, at least I didn't have a seizure this time, but I'm just so exhausted physically and my hands are still shaking slightly which I hate. I'm getting too old for this. Every time stopping is physically harder on me. I have to stay sober this time, because I don't think I can handle another withdrawal.

Please remind me of this if I start posting 6 months from now, that I feel like drinking.

--splitimage

[mgran]

Oh, Splitimage, I'm so sorry. (((hug))) I'm just glad that you're in the right place to withdraw safely. Don't worry, we'll remind you. You remind me, if needs be.

[Christina86]

Ouch - I've only heard of seizures from alcohol withdrawals - SCARY!

Of course I'd be happy to remind you.

The addiction is powerful. You still are beating it, splitimage.

[madisgram]

split image i have a thought. i know we drink because we want to drink. BUT i believe it's a life thing many times when we relapse cause it's an unresolved feeling in life stuff. i know they suggest AA is about your drinking not life stuff but my opinion is cause it happens also because we're running to ignore a life thing by escaping from it, so we drink to get rid of the feeling. so what down deep keeps surfacing that encourages you to escape from it by using? are u aware of why? your relapsing as often as you have indicates this problem, imho. what say u?

[splitimage]

Madisgram,

You're absolutely right - I am drinking to escape. To a large extent the way I drink has an element of suicidality to it, I drink for oblivion pure and simple, and every time I pick up there's a part of me that's wishing that maybe this will be the time I don't wake up. Guess I'm just to chicken to swallow a bottle of pills.

What am I escaping from? Lots of unresolved stuff - not liking myself on a deep fundamental level, feeling unsatisfied with how my life has turned out, frustration with my mental illness and how it limits me, and there's still a lot of unresolved trauma from CSA. I have a really good trauma psychologist whom I'm working through this stuff with and believe it or not I'm a lot better than I was even 3 years ago. This is also partly why I decided to go back into rehab. I need to get some solid space away from the drinking, and this rehab really focusses on coping skills which I'm getting better at but need a refresher on.

Unfortunately the drinking is a reinforcing behaviour. I drink it triggers a craving for more alcohol (physiological response) so it's that much harder to resist. This is also why rehab is good for me right now. While I'm in it, I'm taking Antabuse supervised 5 days a week which will prevent me from drinking and hopefully weaken the physiological cravings.

Thank you for understanding. It means a lot to me. Whenever I try to talk about reasons for drinking with people in AA, I just get told it's an excuse to avoid looking at my character defects, which is part of why I'm looking for alternatives to AA right now.

--splitimage

[mgran]

To be honest I think the unsupportive way in which you were treated by your most recent AA group has something to do with your recent slip. It's hard to feel supported when you're being attacked.

[madisgram]

glad my comments helped. fortunately the first 11 years of sobriety was with a wonderful sponsor-she has 55 yrs.now-who had a good understanding and open mind re this. had she not been so supportive about my life stuff i dont know if i'd be sober today. i hope you find someone in AA that can provide you with the same understanding tho i understand the frustrations you've felt with AA. i sponsor ppl using how she helped me with my ppl. i wish you the very best and glad you're continuing to fight for the serenity sobriety gives us.
i can really relate to the suicidal thing too. they kept asking me in treatment intake if i ever felt that way. i'd say no. the last time in treatment i realized i was by my drinking.
please keep us posted on how u're doing.