[Quirkster]

I was eight months sober. EIGHT! And i went into the psyc Ward for six weeks. I thought I'd be fine, but I went to this music festival and Effed everything up. I had so many drugs, even when my Pdoc and T said no more drugs it Effs with you. And now I'm back to smoking cones, and DMT. I took four tabs of acid and lost my ***** at this music festival. What have I done to myself? I'm back to my old tricks. What am I going to do?
-sigh- Should I tell the truth to my T? I know how angry she would get. Because i rpomised her I wasnt going to do any more drugs.

I feel like a failer, but I feel so free.

[Yoda]

My T said the many recovering addicts will experience relapses and that is the unusual person who stays sober without relapse.

So pick yourself up and talk to your T. You have already identified the music festival as a trigger. Make a new plan and get yourself sober again. You did it before and you can do it again. We are here to support you on your road to sobriety.

[Quirkster]

But what if I dont want to be sober? What if I want to feel free again?

[Yoda]

What exactly do you mean when you say you may want to 'feel free'? Free from other people's criticism of you, free to not have to feel guilty about not being sober, free to partake in parties with friends? What does it mean to you?

[Quirkster]

It means escaping my own mind, and i cant explain it. The ability to lose my mind and to be okay with it.

[Yoda]

hmmmm not sure what to say....

I can take or leave alcohol but weed is my nemesis. How did you feel differently while you were sober? Did you still yearn for it?

[madisgram]

why quirkster do you want to feel numb? when the effects of drug use stop you're still faced with the same issues that caused you to use. we can't run from self, we go with us. when we stop running away from our probs we are the only one there. some things are really bothering you. i'd definitely talk about this in therapy. that's what T's are for. and pick yourself up, brush yourself off and try to learn what's really going on, the drugs are only a symptom of what's going on with you. that, imo, is what you need to face painful tho it may be.

What if I want to feel free again?

the end result of getting to the bottom of this will truly set you free. drugs won't. they just take us hostage.
we're here for you. u're not a failure, you're fighting a deadly disease-addiction. glad you posted. many of us reversed our success into self sabatoging behaviors again. you can change that as many of us did.

[Mediator]

quikster,
I do not have experience with drugs but did you try to do mindfulness meditation. You wrote that you did not where is your mind. I try to change my obedience to me that I do meditation.
Take care Mediator
I made a group of Mindfulness meditation here

[Quirkster]

maybe I feel like I can actually do something for once, I'm not supposed to smoke, do drugs, drink, sleep ten hours a day, work out thirty minitues a day, take your medication at the excact time every three times a day. Eat healthy, do you homework, be organised, work a nine to five job, get money to buy a car. get married, have kids. settle down, buy a fridge, buy a bigger car. I dont want that. I'm so sick of compressing my self into the loathing human being to consume, be silent and die. Maybe I want to be crazy just for a little while. Maybe then I can find peace. My friend commited suicide three days ago. Three days before that I had him in my arms! He was only seventeen. And what? He was supposed to do those things? Maybe thats why he did what he did. Because the thought of having to live to such expectations seems so effed up. I'm sick of living in a world where I cant ****ing take a **** load of acid, smoke weed in public and just scream at the sky.

[SoupDragon]

There may be lots of different ways to escape from our minds. Mine is SI and sui thoughts. Finding a more healthy way is really hard, particularly when the other ways will work more quickly. But I remind myself that there is a bit of me that does want the healthier way, we may have lapsed but where is that bit that was fighting for us, following the other path. How can we give it space to have strength again? Soup

[Quirkster]

no time for space soup! The world spins and spins. everybody wants quicker, easier.... phones, cars and babysitting.... why cant we take the easy path too? When everyone else around moves faster then you can even think?

[Yoda]

I am so very sorry about the loss of your friend. No wonder you want to escape from the reality of life when life sucks that bad. Is there some healthy escape in your life that you can use, something that takes your mind away from the pain in reality even just for fifteen minutes.

Do you like music, movies, do you paint or do anything artistic? Maybe just going for a short walk and focusing on the colors of the trees, the flowers and all?

The pain of loss is going to be with you for a long time I am afraid. Last year a dear friend of mine took her life and it made no sense.

If you ever want to talk, here I am.

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by Quirkster

maybe I feel like I can actually do something for once, I'm not supposed to smoke, do drugs, drink, sleep ten hours a day, work out thirty minitues a day, take your medication at the excact time every three times a day. Eat healthy, do you homework, be organised, work a nine to five job, get money to buy a car. get married, have kids. settle down, buy a fridge, buy a bigger car. I dont want that. I'm so sick of compressing my self into the loathing human being to consume, be silent and die. Maybe I want to be crazy just for a little while. Maybe then I can find peace. My friend commited suicide three days ago. Three days before that I had him in my arms! He was only seventeen. And what? He was supposed to do those things? Maybe thats why he did what he did. Because the thought of having to live to such expectations seems so effed up. I'm sick of living in a world where I cant ****ing take a **** load of acid, smoke weed in public and just scream at the sky.

quikster
sorry if It is upsetting to you you can choose would you like. But maybe you are looking for what you would like. Really look what you want really. Go to India or something what help you find what you really want. I do not believe that you want to be a slave of drugs.
Take care
Mediator

[Quirkster]

Thank you Yoda.
thing is though. I think to much. Those things that everybody keeps telling is a good way. But you are never truly lost. You have never really truely lost your mind. If that makes sense? Dont get me wrong I love those thing. I'm in Art school for effs sake. But my passion and mind sometimes desires different things.

[SoupDragon]

We all have the capacity to make choices and that includes taking the easy path. I almost did take the easy path last week. Wow what relief I imagined I would obtain. But then I thought about the longer term consequences. I sense a small place in you quirkster, a bit that may want to find that other path again. The part that wants to find a different way. It may be hidden behind the part that has found this instant release, but it is still there.

[Quirkster]

Slave to drugs? I do not run around craving drugs. I just consistently do them. because i love them. they are not good for me, and i need to go to some rehab course thing says T. But i am not a slave to them. I just use them.

[Quirkster]

Soup, maybe, but its too hard. I refuse to be a slave to our forced ideals of humanistic supression.

[SoupDragon]

The brain cells that are enjoying the drugs will want more and will impact on your judgements, twist your thinking make you believe this is truely the best solution. I know the spinning quirkster. It is tough, but that does not mean impossible. Take care quirkster. Soup

[Quirkster]

ah eff my brain cells. im dying anyway.

[gma45]

Freedoms just another name for nothing left to lose! All well and fine for a while! Until the DRUGS START DOING YOU! then it's not fun anymore. You can't change the past, but you can shape the future! The stars are still amazing to me sober, I enjoy being out in nature so much and I can remember how I got home. Being clean is also a wonderful gift if you let it be.

[unaluna]

Trippin is great, the question is, will you make it back. Once you've lost your mind, you're kinda screwed. The brain does not really grow back. It's not a renewable resource. It's not like hair or skin or fingernails or your liver. Yeah, life sucks. It's boring. You're not the first person to notice that. Just nobody talks about it, except like dead french novelists, but why do you think there's more bars than churches? But they both serve the same delusion, that there is a reason to live. That's why the saying is, Lead, follow, or get out of the way. You are so lucky to be in art school, you ...you!

[RunningEagleRuns]

Drugs can lead you bad places.. like prison. When I get tempted to do drugs again, I tell myself its just a lie. I've done horrible things just because I was living that lifestyle. If you want to stop doing drugs it would be good to be honest with your therapist. Good luck!

[Quirkster]

Hankster- Makes sense. But what if I'm sick of sense?

Running-maybe.... but prison would be an awfully awesome adventure.