[Salmacis]

So far, so good! 48 hours into it. Suffered extreme withdrawal & panic attacks yesterday. Visited the Dr. w/elevated heart rate & blood pressure. Was prescribed 6 days' dosages of Serax.

Was accepted for an outpatient program, beginning on Monday. Three evenings/week of group sessions (3 hours each), plus mandatory random urine testings & two mandatory Narcotics Anonymous meetings of my choice over the weekend.

Oddly, I have been feeling extremely manic (getting lots of things done & energy to burn despite the tranquillizers), but was actually able to go to bed early last night.

Not feeling an itch to drink at all & the pills get rid of the shakes and extreme irritability. Things are looking hopeful!!

[unaluna]

GOOD ON YOU! This is very inspiring! Altho I'm just trying to kick chocolate (and everything else that isn't good for me, food-wise), extreme irritability is definitely a side effect! Keep us posted, we are with you (and you with us) all the way. Much love and support, hanky.

[Willcat]

Well done Salmacis! Regaining control of ones life direction is a very rewarding experience. Keep moving forward with your recovery.

[Salmacis]

Many thanks, Hanky & Will!!

P.S. - Hanky - I'll be wishing you the best w/your chocolate & food issues!

Good going, Salmacis. You are in my thoughts.

[Salmacis]

Thanks, Byzantine!! Still sober, up early, took my meds & wondering what I can fill the day with. Thinking I might spend the afternoon trolling the pawn shops for a "new" microphone for the band. :-D

[madisgram]

Oddly, I have been feeling extremely manic

you're feeling the typical rollercoaster ride coming off booze/drugs. it will settle down shortly.
so happy for you re getting clean. you're willing to take the steps to assure sobriety. imo, the more meetings/NA you can attend each week will give you the support you need from others to stay the course. works for me.

[Salmacis]

Thanks, Madisgram!! I was seriously wondering why I was having the "manic" type reaction... Good to know it's "normal" and should pass. I was reluctant to have so many meetings/week, but like you, I think it will ultimately be a good thing for me to keep busy... idle hands get me in trouble! Happy to hear that it has worked for you & I look forward to it getting me on (and keeping me on) the right track.

[splitimage]

One of the things I found when I stopped drinking was suddenly I had all this free time on my hands, and I'd been drinking for so long I didn't know what to do with myself. Going to lots of meetings/ treatment, is especially good in the beginning as it helps keep you safe, plus provides motivation not to use.

But I'd start thinking about what other activities you enjoy or used to enjoy, and start planning on doing them again when you have free time. I've found it definitely helps me to stay sober by being busy.

splitimage

[Salmacis]

Luckily, I have plenty of things I enjoy doing & projects I've been meaning to get done around the house. This was part of my frustration & part of what convinced me to quit (aside from the Dr's dire warning). Couldn't get much done when I was so drunk I couldn't see straight or walk properly, much less be creative/productive.

They are DEFINITELY keeping me busy right now, though. I work 8 - 5 Mon - Fri & have to go straight to intensive outpatient rehab from work. Rehab is 6 - 9. By the time I get home, I'm too tired to do f'k all but finally get to eat & go to bed. I know it's for my own good, but I'm really looking forward to getting at least a couple of hours to myself to do something I ENJOY! :-P

[Willcat]

Yes addiction treatment can be time consuming at first. But its way way better than being consumed by alcohol disease.

Living alcohol free has a great many advantages. No only regaining better physical health but many times mental health improves that there comes a pleasure of being. Like being engaged in life's many activities that get suppress in active addiction.

[gma45]

Way to go! Meeting sure helped me! I need to start again. Just thought I would let you know we are all pulling for you. Keep up the good work!

[Salmacis]

Just wanted to report that today is DAY 9 of sobriety (including 1 week of rehab)! I feel like **** physically & I've been an emotional trainwreck... otherwise, I'm holding up fine & haven't relapsed. Going to hunt down some NA meetings to get me through the weekend.

My most unfortunate finding is that I've become more hostile, depressed, angry and outspoken. I used to be able to hold things in, but now I know I can't just drown it out when I get home. So I let it out in the moment.

On the upside, I have also been working on some theraputic music to release the hostility safely... something I wasn't able to do before (because I was too drunk to play bass and/or read my own handwriting). Yay! It does ease the pain a bit.

[madisgram]

sal thanks for your update. just stay in today and not use. FYI the rollercoaster u're on will subside. it's emotions that were numbed by drug use. it's like an eruption of emotions all at once. using a 12 step program is beneficial to many of us. keep us posted. we're always here for you.

[Salmacis]

Many thanks, Will, gma45 & Madisgram!! I'll be sure to keep everyone posted... and thanks so much for your support on this.

Salmacis

[Salmacis]

I am finding sobriety and life to be unbearable right now. Feeling all sorts of things that I don't want to, can't have a "good" day, constantly angry and irritated. I've always known that I have issues w/being social, which is why I tend to avoid it. Rehab/meetings have forced me to be social in an intimate way I'm not at all comfortable with... Ugh.

It feels like school all over again... the oldtimers banding together and turning their backs to me. In meetings, I'm invisible. I hate everything about sobriety so far. Frankly, having to socialize makes me want to drink/use...

Still trying to get my b/f to move out, but he is so deep in his pot fixation, he hasn't bothered looking for a place yet. He ate most the food in the fridge last night (that my mom made for me & would have lasted me 2 weeks).

Still sober... no drugs... no alcohol. Hating it. Insomnia is getting worse... getting only about 4-5 hours of sleep a night. I hate everything about my life right now & I am enjoying NOTHING. No time to myself at all to write/play music or do anything I want to do. FML!!!!!

Had my first U/A last night at the rehab center & that was really weird...

Anyway, sobriety sucks, but I'm going to ride it out while hoping it will get better.

[Perna]

Glad you're sticking with it Salmacis!

[Caretaker Leo]

Salmacis,
Thank you so much for continuing to update on your progress. For people like me just getting started, it really helps to read what others go through on this journey.

I hope you fight past the demons. I want to fight past the demons. Every time I read a post from madisgram or willcat here - it just wants me to fight harder. It is one day at a time - but time does fly. And I sure hope I can be here years from now and encouraging others to find and enjoy the life of sobriety.

[Salmacis]

Thanks Perna & Leo!! I feel like I'm in no position at all to give advice to anyone about anything right now, so I'm really happy if I'm able to help anyone at all just by reporting my experiences w/recovery... xx

Salmacis

[splitimage]

Salmacis,

Hang in there. It does get better. I'm not saying sobriety is all sunshine and roses, there are a lot of rough patches, especially when dealing with emotions during the first year, and learning to get through events without using. But I can honestly say at 7.5 months sober, it is better. I still get urges to use, but they're not all the time any more, and I can usually think through them pretty quick. And in addition to meetings I'm doing all sorts of things I'm enjoying, like taking on-line courses, learning more about knitting so I'm making all kinds of great things, and volunteering.

I know what you mean about meetings and rehab and all the forced sharing being really hard. I'm a massive introvert, so I really struggled with this at first too, but it does get easier with time. LOL I've even reached the point where I'm willing to let people hug me which is a great thing, 'cause up here AA seems to be full of huggers.

Just take it one day at a time, or one hour at a time if you have and don't use.

Good luck.

splitimage

[noneedtoknow]

Salmacis,
Just one more in a long line of folks who wants to encourage you and support you in your journey. It really does get better or other people wouldn't keep doing it either! There is a goofy saying, but it can be helpfull, "don't try to get well by Thursday" it is going to take time, but you will feel better. Another one is, "it get's different before it gets better" For some people, when they get sober, it feels worse because they are feeling and not self medicating. As others have writen, the emotion highs and lows are normal. That's why people who have some years around the program report they don't ever want to repeat that first year again because it is tough. But you get through it and it is worth it one day (one minute) at a time. Just for today, my friend.

[Salmacis]

Thanks, Splitimage & Noneedtoknow! Over 3 weeks sober now... and I'm still an angry bitter person. :-P Good thing I have my shrink... LOL