[Xtree]

I am looking for advice please. I have a very close friend who is a closet alcoholic. She doesn’t know that I know she has an addiction problem. I She has distanced herself from me because she was afraid I would find out. As a matter of fact other than attending church events she mostly isolates herself.

She is a licensed therapist so my idea is asking her advice about a “friend” of mine, “I have a friend who has a problem …” I will even make up a name if I have too. I know it sounds dumb but I care too must to just stand by and do nothing and even with this approach she still my abandon our friendship. What do you think?
Xtree

I think it's worth risking your friendship to save her. If she is truly your friend she will thank you. I didn't like my father coming around to the bar where I drank, but now in my sobriety, I appreciate his efforts-and I would do the same *******ed thing for my son. She needs help, help her, it's not going to get any better.

[roads]

This is a tough call, or would be for me if I were in your place. I'm a little concerned about your assessment of the situation because you say she's distanced herself from you to keep you from finding out. Isn't this an assumption? How could you know this for sure, unless she told you?

If she's not ready to get/accept help, there's nothing you can do. If you put your friendship on the line & lose, then I gather she'll be left with no friends. Is that right?

Therapists are among the most difficult addicts to reach because they know all the tricks, think they have the most to lose, & deep down think they of all people ought to be able to help themselves.

When she reaches her bottom, if she's alone, she still may not be able to ask for help. Then might be when she most needs a friend.

See the dilemma? Usually I'd say sure, talk to her. But her being a therapist & your being her last remaining friend ... I'm not sure.

Big help I am. Sorry.

[Xtree]

Gulas and Roadrunner both great points so I have abandoned that her change. . After reading here and other resources I learned I cannot really do or say anything that will make her change. I am afraid my attempts might even force her to hide it even more. I have another idea. How about if I send an email as a Christmas card that would say ...

To you and all your family a very christmas my friend
May all your days be happy with a joy that never ends
May peace and love surround you
At Christmas time and all the whole year through

My gift to you is that I will never judge or or abandon you and I will always support and love you.

Your gift to me is to let me support you and share our friendship during these dark dog days of winter so you are not alone or isolated.

Love always
Xtree

[Caretaker Leo]

Xtree - you sound like you are a loving and caring friend.

The view from where I sit - still drinking even though I know I need help...

No matter how much you are hurting and hoping you can help your friend, it is wasted energy until she is ready to receive the help. Be there for her as a friend.

If you want to send a greeting - keep it at just the first 4 lines you wrote:

"To you and all your family a very christmas my friend
May all your days be happy with a joy that never ends
May peace and love surround you
At Christmas time and all the whole year through"

Perhaps your friend is not like me - but anytime someone tells me that they won't judge or abandon me or they will be here for me...etc. I go into total defensive mode and put the brick wall up.

We just aren't ready until we are ready.

[notz]

Just a suggestion:

To you and all your family a very christmas my friend
May all your days be happy with a joy that never ends
May peace and love surround you
At Christmas time and all the whole year through
I will always support and love you.
You are my friend and I hold you very dear.

Love always
Xtree

[Xtree]

I agree shortening it and changing the last few lines is less intrusive. I was thinking of using this as a compromise to actually speaking to her about it. I guess I wanted to be a little indirect but I have no experience with this so I am not sure what the best approach would be.

Thanks for your relies, they have been very helpful

Xtree