[circles5]

hi all.

i've got my second round of therapy coming up at the end of this month.
it's c.b.t based as far as i can tell.
i'll be at the S.london maudsley again.

i've been referred back to the maudsley by C.D.A.T

C.D.A.T (community drugs + alchohol team)
signed me off and referred me:
as i quit using opiates, cocaine, drinking alot, mdma, e.t.c

however

i was signed off from C.D.A.T 'unclean' because they couldn't stop me smoking.
my keyworker came to the conclusion that i needed to deal with the anxiety before i had a chance of quitting.
however....
my first round of c.b.t was complicated and eventually ended unsatisfactually (all parties involved) by my cannabis use.
so going back to them; exactly where i left off... minus cocaine.
isn't really progress.

i really want to stop. but i just can't see myself without it.
it's just so damn complicated.

i have some sort of 'writers block' with life. i can't do anything.
can't feed myself alot of the time, so go hungry..
can't tidy my room/desk, so i sit in my high castle of mugs, plates, beer cans and cigarette ash.
can't even modify my daily routine slightly...
everything is just always the same. i do what i do everyday. i don't intiate anything other than in my mind. it never comes to be reality, just pipe dreams.

and weed makes my daily 'routine' less laborious and monotonous.
this couped with the extreme anxiety when i quit:
leads straight to Akathisia + panic attacks,

but when i've tried quitting weed before, i get clearer headed, less parnoid, neurotic - but i still can't do anything differently.
infact worse. : i then can't even do the 'time filling' rituals that i conform to
everyday without fail.
which leaves me with literally nothing.
i spent an entire week.. doing quite literally nothing.
no computer, no music, no t.v, no games, not going out, not talking, barely thinking. just completely on empty.

which {to me} points to it having route in my pyche as opposed to a direct effect of cannabis on my mind.

but i just can't know for 100% sure unless i take a good month or two off.
but of course i can't do absolutely nothing for that long without going straight up mad.

i've got: BDD, OCD, GAD, SAD, PANIC DISORDER, PTSD, AGROPHOBIA, BULIMIA.
i've got to get it right this time round in therapy.. which means being 'clear headed'
but i am completely stuck in gridlock it seems.

Circles
x

[splitimage]

I don't know how it works for you where you are, but it sounds like you could benefit from intensive drug treatment before you start the therapy - do you have in patient residential rehabs where you are. They can be really helpful in getting you a solid base of clean time, plus show you how to develop routines, that don't revolve around using.

Just a thought.

Good luck.

spliti

[porcupine2]

Interesting that I qualify for medical marijuana due to PTSD and depression, sleep issues, etc. I think alcohol is way worse, I'm probably not the right person to ask because I believe in the medicinal qualities and it does help me tremendously.

[AniManiac]

So you've quit long enough to get past withdrawal before, and the real issues seem to be psychological, perhaps? Inpatient might help with that. I completely understand the extreme anxiety upon quitting; I had to have my meds adjusted when I quit smoking pot because I couldn't handle the anxiety (and my anti-anxiety meds have worse side effects than pot.)

It might also help to make a plan with the help of a support worker for trying to get past the "doing nothing" part. Do you have friends or family who could help you break the routine and get out and do something once in awhile? Or even stay in and have a cup of tea and chat? Can you create new time-filling rituals that might help? When I quit smoking cigarettes, I had to set up new lifestyle habits to support that, especially avoiding the ritual of having a smoke at certain times of the day or upon certain prompts like driving somewhere.

[madisgram]

for myself recovering from alcohol abuse i found i first needed to have the desire to stop drinking. i had tried to stop before but always picked it back up. i liked the feelings it gave me. what i learned later was i was self medicating and thought by drinking it helped me deal with life stuff and feelings.
it sounds that you already realize how much better you felt when you stopped using weed. hold onto that thought. the weed keeps calling you back tho. you can break that cause and effect. going to NA or AA may help you too. you'll get great support from others that can relate to how you feel.
you probably know these synptoms below of cannabis use. just thought i'd post it here anyway.
we're here for you and care.

Information on the Dangers and Effects of Heavy Cannabis Use

Studies have linked heavy Cannabis / Marijuana use to anxiety and mental health disorders such as paranoia, depression, insomnia, schizophrenia and even amotivational syndrome which relates to a lack of ambition or drive. http://www.drug-aware.com/cannabis-i...ms-effects.htm

http://www.drug-aware.com/cannabis-i...ms-effects.htm