Today I hate myself

I was cleaning my room the other day, and found some barbituates I forgot I had hidden away... I got rid of everything else that I knew was around the house that would trigger me, but I missed this bundle of pills. Having been in a bad mood this past week, having terrible stomach aches all week long, eating very little, and with very restless sleep, I knew if I took a few I would at least get some uninterrupted sleep. Heh, a few... I have been high all weekend on an empty stomach, and this morning when my alarm went off, I woke up extra groggy. Work was less than exciting, and my thoughts right now are turning to the pills I haven't taken yet, that I don't have the strength to throw away. Although I know I won't take them right now, as I have class in a few hours and I absolutely have to go because I skipped last week, I'm more than tempted to take them tonight after I get home from class

Another dilemma that's adding to the self-loathing of the day.... a boy I'm interested in, and is interested in me, is an addict in denial. He claims he only does drugs for fun, that's it's all experimentation, not to run away from problems, that drugs are okay in moderation. He does a variety of things, the one that worries me the most at this point is his dope use. He's told me that he's thought of us doing dope together, that he'd like to do dope together. I've told him about my addiction problem, about my inability to do drugs for fun, that I only do drugs to escape, I can't moderate. He responded with, "I'm in charge with the dope. And this won't happen often. I don't want to be a negative figure in your life, if anything I want to be positive. If you are going to engage in this part of my life, we have to do things my way. By that I mean understand that drugs can be enjoyed for what they are."

I'm ready to just throw in the towel and go back to drugs on a regular basis

Get rid of them quick if you don't you will take them. I hope you haven't. Sounds like your "boy you are interested in" does not understand addiction or he wants control over you with the drug thing anyway that is wrong. Please don't throw in the towel you will regret it later. I wish you well stay strong! Keep posting either way I care.

I didn't take any last night, I just sat around and smoked, had a beer, went to sleep. Haven't ate anything substantial in 24 hours. Feeling very upset at the moment. I'm going to try to talk to him more about addiction, get my feelings out about the matter, and go from there. I need to keep my mind clear while I do so, though. That will be the hard part.

pluto. your posting shows your desire to help yourself re drugs. throw out the drugs. it can lead you right back into your addiction.

boyfriend-YOU take care of you. nothing you say to him will change his dope use. HE has to want it. keep the focus on YOU. have you tried NA or AA. great support from others that have learned a new life away from drug use. BTW akcohol is a drug, the granddaddy of them all.

boyfriend-his wanting for you all to use together. he wants to lure you into being his web of drug use. doesn't want to lose his drug use partner. i know he may not be aware of this but that's the deal.

a good rule of thumb that will help you-stay away from "people, places and things" that you associate with drug use. it's too tempting to fall back into your old pattern otherwise.
i wish you well and hope you'll keep posting.

Right now I'm so confused on where I stand. I've done drugs for about eight years now, and in that time I've cleaned up maybe four or five times, I just keep going back to it. I've tried changing my friends, my surroundings, the things I do. I absolutely cannot stand sobriety. My mind is constantly racing, I feel like I need to slow it down. Part of me wants to throw my life away and go further into addiction because I'm so disinterested in how "normal" people function. I don't want to work a 9-5 job til I'm in my 60s, worrying about retirement, saving up money, where I'm going to live, bills, etc. I don't want to make it past 35, honestly. I'm in a strange mindset lately, I've tried talking to my therapist about it, but it always cycles back to finishing school, getting a job, being a part of society, all these things I really have no desire for. I don't know, I am so terribly confused right now.