Chronic relapser

I started trying to moderate or stop drinking a little over two years ago. About a year and a half ago I broke an elbow due to drinking and the first place I went was to AA. I went to meetings, got a sponsor, worked the steps, did everything I was told to do, but at some point I started experiencing extreme discomfort - anxiety, depression, inability to sleep; the joy of living I had found went away. I talked to people, did everything I was supposed to do, and nothing helped; so to relieve that pressure I drank. Ever since I've run through that same cycle countless times, until I finally stopped going to meetings. I recently broke my other elbow as a result of drinking. I haven't had a drink in a couple weeks due to the surgery and healing process, but my drinking pattern is one of the reasons I got into therapy in the first place.
First of all, I'm not booing any twelve-step programs. I think they do a lot of good - I can still apply a lot of what I learned even though I no longer actively participate in the community. I just don't think, at this point, it's working for me. I know people say that it works if I do it right, and believe me, it did, but there was a point that I was still doing it right and it wasn't working.
I've looked at a couple of other recovery programs, methods, what-have-yous, and a couple of them worked the same way as the twelve-step path did for me.
For the most part, I don't even want to drink or use drugs, since that's my secondary go-to. I recognize the voice of my addict saying it's bored and wants to go out. But when I'm keyed-up and sad and just want to relax and I know there's no way out of it, that's when there's trouble. And these periods of discomfort don't go away; I can sit on that feeling for weeks and it doesn't get any better no matter what I do.
So I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience, or even knows of someone who does, and has any advice to share. I'm not trying to get sympathy or anything; I just guess I want to know I'm not alone, and that this isn't hopeless, that someone else has broken out of this cycle.

Hi Tenrou,

I can relate a lot to what you wrote, since I've struggled with regular relapses since I first tried to get sober in 2006.

Have you talked to your Dr. about your mood? I know for me, recovery had to include getting mental health concerns addressed. With proper meds, when I'm not depressed it's a lot easier for me to stay sober.

Which is not to say it's easy. I have to work at staying sober every day, because my natural instinct is to want to drink. Bored - drink. Happy - drink. Sad - Drink, you get the picture.

I've had to learn a whole new way of living one that doesn't involve alcohol. Boredom was big for me, so I took up some new hobbies that require concentration that I enjoy. Can't drink and do those, and I'd rather do my hobbies.

AA is a big part of my recovery right now, and has been for some time. You said you went and worked the program in the past and it helped, why not give it another shot. But remember AA is about alcohol - it is not about mental health, you need a Dr. for that. Seriously the Big Book even talks about psychiatrists sometimes being necessary.

Finally a big piece that i'm working on now, is learning how to handle my emotions and tolerate distress which I suck at. I'm enrolled in a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) programme that's all about regulating your emotions, and being able to handle negative emotions without resorting to negative coping strategies.

I often say I'm not the poster child for recovery, about the only thing I consistently do right is after a relapse, I come back and start over.

splitimage

tenrou don't be discouraged. when we are in early recovery our emotions take a rollercoaster ride. this is very typical for most of us after the "rose colored glasses" , meaning joy, come off. what we've all run from are our emotions. you can overcome those uncomfortable feelings if you just not drink. your emotions will level out. but it's important for us to hang in there and not give up. they say, we drink because the dog died, we drink because the dog lived..sorry re the dog analogy..but it's one of our sayings which means we don't have a valid excuse except that we want to drink.
hang in there. it does get incredibly better.
and keep posting about this. many of us can relate.

I would work on these periods and understanding them, getting something "exciting" going that makes these periods less often. Sitting on a feeling won't make it go away, will make it worse, as a matter of fact. But figure out where the feelings are from and how to work on creating conditions where they don't arise as often or where you can lessen them by your actions (instead of just sitting on them) and things might go better for you?

I fell (not from drinking) and hurt my knee bad a year ago and I'm still terrified I'm going to fall; you aren't afraid of more broken bones? That often helps me pay more attention when I'm walking (and sometimes it does not). Making a problem either larger or smaller than it is does not work, getting it in the "whole" of one's life and using the whole to work on it helps the most I think.

Its true AA dose help a lot of people. So its not for you, no problem. There other ways to get sober and stay sober in a way that makes life worth living. Like continuing your participation here at PC.

I'm finding the AVRT of Rational Recovery very helpful. The founder of RR Jack Trimpey has been critical of AA in the past but he has mellowed-out a bit over that stuff since then. Detaching from my Addictive Voice as soon as it pops up in my mind and focusing my attention on a recover tool like 'play the tape all the way through' really helps to stop the AV as well as any urges too.

Here's some information about Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction. By Jack Trimpey. (Google book preview including the Addiction Voice Recognition Technique or the AVRT)

Hang in there Tenrou, you will achieve a life free from addiction.

Tenrou, you might look into this book -
When AA Doesn't Work For You: Rational Steps to Quitting Alcohol
Albert Ellis (Author)

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.

I have known two people like you describe. I seriously thought that both of them needed emotional therapy as much as or more than direct treatment for their drinking. I suspected that both of them secretly thought it was a matter of will not to drink; but I don't think it is at all. All their exercising of their wills just fueled their rage which was ever-present. Have you sought treatment for those "periods of discomfort [that] don't go away"? I'd be inclined to continue to work AA and get therapy for your life as a non-drinker.

ive struggled with regular relapese on and off for 12 years. ive had some lengthy perios of sobriety but then that feeling of discomfort and discontent creeeps back in and i stop going to meetings and talking to my sponsor and interacting with people and isolating. nest thing i know im at a liquor store in the last months it seems when i drink i break out in hand cuffs . the law and i do not agree on a lot of things and because im in the ststem alreadsy they just decdided to take me in and charge me also my ex is in the system with my address listed still and he is inthe system so that doess not help at all and they assume two birds of a feather...i have a lot of charges...obviously drinking is NOT working and recently comitted to stop again but am really upset with myself at this thime because i had 3 years and really put my self in a pot of hot water! I know i need to change one day at a dime its just im really overwhelmed. i accept full responsibility for my actions and do not try to play the victim in any of this because i choose my actions myself. i just have to hold my head high and accept my punishment as it comes even all the destruction i did my land me in jail for up to a year! This disease is a real cunning one!!!