[splitimage]

I'm in a very weird and bad headspace right now around my drinking. I know it's a problem, and the problem is only getting worse. But part of me says "so what?" I come from a family where alcoholism is pretty much the norm but most of my relatives, were still able to pretty much function, hold down jobs etc., just like I am. so part of my brain rationalizes that the drinking is no big deal.

I can give you a dozen rational arguments as to why I shouldn't drink and yet I still want it. i want the escape from my feelings that alcohol gives. I don't want to face that my life is really what it is, if that makes sense.

I'm attending AA meetings & on the days that I go, I don't want to drink. I know the program works, it's just like I feel like I'm fighting myself all the time, when I'm not 100% committed to the battle.

Guess I could just use some encouragement / reassurance that it is possible to stop and feel happy.

--splitimage

[shadowalker164]

SplitImage… They ought to put your post on the wall of the new comers meeting. You nailed it right on the head.

“I can give you a dozen rational arguments as to why I shouldn't drink and yet I still want it. i want the escape from my feelings that alcohol gives. I don't want to face that my life is really what it is”

For me, alcohol wasn’t the problem, it was the cure. It fixed my view the world enough so I could live in it. But at a price. And the longer I went to that well, the higher the price went.

I am not that worried, given enough time, you will find that the costs of drinking far outweigh the benefits it gives you.

Just remember, there are alcoholics living lives free of the bondage of booze, and doing so happily. And you can too. Don’t just go to meetings splitimage, get a sponsor, and do the steps.

Richard

[Raynaadi]

"I come from a family where alcoholism is pretty much the norm but most of my relatives, were still able to pretty much function, hold down jobs etc., just like I am. so part of my brain rationalizes that the drinking is no big deal."

You reminded me of a line in the BigBook that I love....

This is about alcoholics who were able to quit BEFORE they lost everything. They were "funtioning alcoholics" like you describe:

"....these seventeen AA's, and hundreds of thousands like them, have been saved years of infinite suffering. They sum it up something like this: 'We didn't wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous.'"

You don't have to be at your wit's end to surrender to the program. I had the best job I've ever had and my own apartment, my own car, when I surrendered to the program. I'm coming up on a year of sobriety, by doing it one day at a time, working the steps, calling my sponsor, and getting involved with the program. Thank God I didn't wait until the alcohol and completely ruined me. It's enough that I was ruined internally. Life today is amazing!! I actually love myself today, don't want to die anymore. You can do it too. You say when you go to meetings, you don't want to drink. So just go to meetings every day. =) And don't drink in between. Reach your hand out and ask for help. You already know it works, now the question is, do you want it to work for you?