[woody33]

I am a parent of an young adult female child with multiple addictions and problems. We believe the root cause to be Borderline Personality Disorder which has manifested itself in: extreme alcoholism, drug addiction including heroin, eating disorders (currently restricting but historically bullemic), self harm, and to top it off some sort of relationship addiction. She has been treated for most of these and is sober for over 100 days, thanks to twice daily AA meetings and Suboxone.

Recently she has attached herself to a much older man in one of the AA groups. We can see clearly that this attachment is not normal and will likely lead to a crash and burn situation. My question is how are my Wife and I supposed to approach this? Drugs and alcohol and the other disorders have been addressed openly and productively. Discussions about relationships only end in hysterical emotions. Exactly the same screaming and crying we encountered when taking away the last Vodka bottle.

Do we go for a strong intervention here or back off and let the addict work it out?

[Leed]

At this point, since she's fairly early in recovery, I think she's probably leaning on him ALOT for security in her sobriety, plus looking for "love." Obviously she's not going to really FIND love, but she thinks that's what she's getting. And I don't know how long this guy has been sober -- has he been sober a long time? If he has, then SHAME on him because what he's doing is what we call "13 stepping" a newcomer. He's taking advantage of a newcomer who is obviously very insecure, and vulnerable and who often "falls" for the first man (or woman, as the case may be" )who first shows interest in them.

I'd leave the situation alone at this point. Hopefully, things will "quiet down" and she'll see what's happening after a certain point -- and/or a member will point out what's going on. Or perhaps the guy will just dump her and move on. But I would NOT intervene at this point as this will throw her into a spiral, and she'll undoubtedly relapse and you don't want that!

So wait and see what happens -- wait til she has more time under her belt. But right now she's just too vulnerable. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

is your daughter in therapy? it may help. she's got a lot of self loathing imo...cutting, abusing alcohol, etc. personally therapy helped me learn constructive thinking rather than self sabotaging behaviors. it may help her too. i couldn't stay sober unless i used therapy for my mental disorder combined with a 12 step program. this was because i needed help with both at the same time. it worked for me. perhaps the same would apply to her.
hope this may help.

[seeker1950]

I read your story, and I am so sorry you are having to go thru this with your daughter.
My insights come from being an addictive type of personality, to substances and relationships.

Your daughter, and the fellow AA member to whom she has become attached, probably know, as Leed stated correctly, that romantic involvment with a fellow member is considered forbidden...."13th stepping." When members are new, and vulnerable, struggling with addictions, etc., they are not ready for a relationship, according to AA. The older man should (and probably does) know this.

At one point in the past, a counselor told me bluntly, that addiction to a person can be as strong, or stronger, than any drug, and even harder to break.

I only learned to conquer and control this tendency toward obsessive relationships with a lot of hard work, some counseling (some helpful,some not), and the sobering conclusion that I'd have to do it on my own...abstain, just like with any substance. But I was/am much older.
I had to WANT to break the cycle, and I finally did reach that point.

I hope your daughter will get all the kinds of help she needs, including counseling.

Patty

[woody33]

Thank you all for the input. After our last attempt to discuss this with her (which ended with her sobbing and screaming and repeatedly banging her head on the ground) we really had no choice but to back down. She is very intelligent and understands her problems on a very high level.

Self loathing YES. I had not connected the self hatred dots to self sabatage and poor relationship choices. We will have to consider that as part of the equation also. Early in all of this she would self destruct before any job interview. The chance at sucess and moving forward in life was not deserved in her mind.

She has had alot of therapy inpatient but it hasnt gone well out patient. She got in a tiff with her last therapist over her psychologist. The therapist demanded a different one and lots more drugs. We will search for a new one. IMO they all seem to go off in the wrong direction. She has BPD at the root of all this. Work on that.

The good news is she has a renewed self esteem thanks to her efforts in AA. They even ask her to run an occasional meeting and that means alot to her. I think shee is crediting herself for the effort and thats a good thing. She's also starting a new job on Monday after a really good working interview a few weeks ago. That working interview boosted her confidence to a level we have not seen in some time.

Thanks again for the input.