...somehow...somewhere the pain got too much the standard effect became all to familiar the reality all too repetitive and the results all to similar and ...

I shake my head... I'm not talking about drink alone from life

I wondered and then I thought and then I wondered some more and then I challenged and then I doubted and then I collapsed and then I emerged again and then I challenged some more and then I insisted and then I got kinda serious and sort of sad.

to hang onto my past meant staying an alcoholic!

how to decide what to keep? what defines me why did I drink to death?

why did I decide to challenge my alcoholism?

did I overassert myself because I am so fearful?

am I just adapting?

I wish not to be the enemy of those who choose not to drink and yet I feel conniving anyway....

I was given the three choices years ago...jail, institutions or death.

I believe I am preparing myself for one of them and they are all the same and I am not sad about it. an event caused by me alone.

... I can consume alcohol and put aside at the moment I demand this of myself I do not want to be at the mercy of anything like before I must evolve I hate being contained I have faith

more than ever

[Perna]

I see several shortcomings in your thinking? The major one is that I think the "choices" of jail, institution, or death were in relation to what would happen if you did not choose something more healthy. It's cause and effect. But they are not the only choices or the choices anyone would like you to make. Why not take swimming classes, learn to swim instead of drowning?

[madisgram]

so good to hear from you, james.if you're questioning it means you know you still have choices. one to succumb to a life of addiction and the other a new way of life void of alcohol.
my experience was if i stayed in the past i would remain in the past-full of my pain and with no constructive outcome...jails, institutions and/or death. or "living" in a black void in my case. it's resolving this pain and old self-destructive behaviors that we can learn to live in the present.
our old ways are so familar to us even if they cause us pain. it's all we know. i had to break the cycle and evolve into a healthier minded me. it wasn't easy. i had open wounds and deep scars from my life experiences. i didn't want to feel the feelings those experiences evoked. so i always returned to the oblivion alcohol promised me. i wasn't living. i was just taking up space and breathing air as i called it. i was alive but dead. can you relate to this?
for me therapy in conjunction with a 12 step program of recovery aided me to reach to the other side, have hope, create positive change, live life to the fullest. if we are willing to take that "risk", tho it be quite painful at times we can evolve.

why did I decide to challenge my alcoholism?

because you were not willing to settle for less than, imo. you had a moment of clarity.
i truely believe you want out of your alcoholic "living". i hear your pain. it doesn't have to remain. it takes courage to face our fears. but a rewarding life awaits you (you deserve it, friend) if only you will take that leap of faith.
thank you for having the couage to post your thoughts. to me that shows you still have that "mustard seed" of hope.

Originally Posted by Perna

I see several shortcomings in your thinking? The major one is that I think the "choices" of jail, institution, or death were in relation to what would happen if you did not choose something more healthy. It's cause and effect. But they are not the only choices or the choices anyone would like you to make. Why not take swimming classes, learn to swim instead of drowning?

that quote does very much impress me...I have never heard anything quite so simple yet effective.

(the swimming)

thankyou Perna

Originally Posted by madisgram

so good to hear from you, james.if you're questioning it means you know you still have choices. one to succumb to a life of addiction and the other a new way of life void of alcohol.
my experience was if i stayed in the past i would remain in the past-full of my pain and with no constructive outcome...jails, institutions and/or death. or "living" in a black void in my case. it's resolving this pain and old self-destructive behaviors that we can learn to live in the present.
our old ways are so familar to us even if they cause us pain. it's all we know. i had to break the cycle and evolve into a healthier minded me. it wasn't easy. i had open wounds and deep scars from my life experiences. i didn't want to feel the feelings those experiences evoked. so i always returned to the oblivion alcohol promised me. i wasn't living. i was just taking up space and breathing air as i called it. i was alive but dead. can you relate to this?
for me therapy in conjunction with a 12 step program of recovery aided me to reach to the other side, have hope, create positive change, live life to the fullest. if we are willing to take that "risk", tho it be quite painful at times we can evolve.
because you were not willing to settle for less than, imo. you had a moment of clarity.
i truely believe you want out of your alcoholic "living". i hear your pain. it doesn't have to remain. it takes courage to face our fears. but a rewarding life awaits you (you deserve it, friend) if only you will take that leap of faith.
thank you for having the couage to post your thoughts. to me that shows you still have that "mustard seed" of hope.

Jan (I hope thats ok to say)....

you are way too kind to me I feel....I have been avoiding this section of PC because I know that I have been here before with a different mindset an almost pure hopeful childlike mindset that I miss I do.

I really can LOSE IT! I'm sure you know and have read here and there.

I have to be so careful.

yes it did take some courage it always does

I certainly do relate to "just taking up space and breathing air"...and it drives me crazy and this alone has enabled me

stupidly perhaps miraculously to stay out of hospital for the last three months I am so ashamed.

my last bipolar episode plus a well earned 0.4 has got me in a bit of a jam with the law and in a way I have surrendered fearful to dig deeper and yet hoping it will just go away

james...

thankyou J

[madisgram]

james, i have bipolar also. it was getting in the way of a successful recovery of addiction. i need to take meds to alleviate those symptoms or i will self medicate with alcohol, or at least in the past i did. sobriety has rewarded me with a successful option now. i call my pdoc and therapist when i am losing a balance of mood. i feel compelled and self aware enough to follow this solution. primarily cause i don't ever want to return to the despair, hoplessness and (possibly) death active addiction assures me.
j, there's no reason to feel ashamed. for those of us who have walked the same path as you we do truly understand. when i finally got sober i realized i had to grow up. horrors!!!! i had no self discipline. i had no life coping skills. how ever could i be successful? not everyone needs other medical help, ie bipolar, to stay sober. but for us that do it's a double edged sword. in my case i had to aggressivly attack both at the same time or i would fail miserably. towards the end of my active addiction i would request to be committed to the psych ward. who does that!!!??? i didn't need to be 'dried out' as much as i needed help with fixing my brain first. it needed to be in that order. i even requested to not be released later on to assure that the right mix of meds were prescribed. some meds would have a temporary effect and then downhill i would go again. so my pdoc and T knew my request was a valid one. i had combined my alcoholism and desire to die together. the bipolar "drove" me. i could see no way out.
your recent alcohol blood count was comparable to mine at the end and i weighed 95 lbs. many people die of alcohol poisoning at that level. surely there is a greater plan for both of us. otherwise why are we still here? luck, i think not. an unfufilled purpose, yes.
i hope your willingness to stop drinking,etc. time and again will not go away. to live we must fight back for our very own existance. everytime you fail gets you closer to success. it's the law of averages as long as you get up and try again.
a few thoughts on SUCCESS:

.“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.”~ Les Brown, “Failure defeats losers, failure inspires winners.”~ Robert T. Kiyosaki, “Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”~ Winston Churchill

on HOPE

To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”, “Hope never abandons you; you abandon it.”~George Weinberg

and lastly read my signature by ayn rand. it may inspire you as it did me.
sorry for the long post but i hope some of what i've written may touch your soul. i am here. i will remain here, james.you are far more special than you realize.

thankyou so much for this Jan....