[NinaNina]

My boyfriend is an alcoholic.

A friend met through this forum recommended I read "Woman Who Love Too Much" which I am about half way through. I find it very eye opening, and easy to relate too. I also found that yesterday, after having been home sick and reading a large chunck of it, I felt empowered somehow.

I decided I wanted things to change for good, and I had this whole speech planned out in my head about how my boyfriend had to make positive steps to change or he had to leave, because I didnt want to live like this anymore.

Well when he finally got home from work, he claimed to just be really high, but looked and was acting drunk so of course there was no point in talking to him. I tried to anyways even though I was really upset, but he refused to talk saying that I would just think he was drunk, which I'm sure he was. He said he was going out for a cigarette, and left for two hours. While he was gone he text me saying he had gone for a walk and that he loves me so much.

The night left me feeling very helpless and upset. Just needed to vent.

[madisgram]

Dr.Susan Forward's book i believe, nina? or maybe not but keep reading!
the most important person in the world is YOU. you deserve wonderful things. fight for it. you will never regret it.

[Broken Angel]

Try changing it all. Don't ever give up or feel helpless, it just needs some time, patience and hope.

[NinaNina]

Originally Posted by madisgram

Dr.Susan Forward's book i believe, nina? or maybe not but keep reading!
the most important person in the world is YOU. you deserve wonderful things. fight for it. you will never regret it.

Actually by Robin Norwood, and I will keep reading Thank you so much for your kind words.

[NinaNina]

Originally Posted by Broken Angel

Try changing it all. Don't ever give up or feel helpless, it just needs some time, patience and hope.

Thank you for your encouraging words

[Leed]

You were right in not trying to talk to him. It wouldn't have done any good.

It would be smart to try agian in the morning, when he is reasonably sober. Wait until he's had some coffee (if he drinks it) or his orange juice or whatever. Then sit down and talk.

Remember that you have to follow up your words with ACTION. You cannot weaken, and let him stay if he doesn't get help or whatever it is you expect him to do. You can't just tell hiim "Positive changes" because he might think that is putting on clean clothes!!! He will use those words "positive changes" to HIS benefit. You have GOT to be very specific!!! You have GOT to tell him "go to NA or AA" or a therapist -- that's the only thing that will work. Otherwise, you might as well not make your speech at all. But you've got to stand strong and if he doesn't do it, you've got to throw him OUT!!! Set a date for when he's GOT to do this (make it SOON)and if he doesn't do it, out he goes.

No more enabling him because he's killiing himself. You'll really be helping him -- so don't weaken. I know how hard it is, cause i've had to do this with my son. It broke my heart. Now he's home due to liver failure, after almost dying 2 months ago. He's been sober ever since and says he's done drinking as he doesn't want to die (and the doctors say he WILL if he drinks again).

Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[NinaNina]

Thank you Lee, and I'm so sorry about your son- I have been following your posts.

Tonight my boyfriend messaged me when he was on his way home, and asked if I wanted to go to a friends place to play a boardgame. I asked if he was sober. He said no, not completely. I said then no, I'd rather not, we still need to talk when your sober, and I don't want to sit and watch you and your friend (also an alcoholic) drink in the meantime. I decided I didn't want to see him at all until he was sober and we could talk, so I told him I was going to stay at my aunts for the night, and I'd see him tomorrow. He said he had something to tell me when we talked as well.

It was hard for me and uncharacteristic of me to leave like that without seeing him, but I think it was the right choice. I think I'm going to read some more of that book, and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

[Abigail2012]

here's the thing u cant change someone. i am a recovering alcoholic and addict been sober and clean almost 3 years. he has to want it for himself and he was drunk and he didnt go for a walk. he's a liar and he knows it. but he wont admit to it. some people have to loose everything like i did and hit rock bottom, and then they have to change only for themselves, there are meetings aa for alcoholics and N/A for all the other drugs. he wouldnt be able to do either of these if he was to get clean or sober because if he did what could happen is his addiction will feed off of the dope. alcohol is a drug anything that is mind alternating chemical that u put into ur body is a drug. now for those of us who have mental problems or issues like adhd, bipolar and etec. yes u need to take ur meds. some of us addicts when was in our addiction had to go through treatment, like drug and alcohol rehabs. which isnt a bad idea at all. but again he has to do it when he's had enough. and he's only using u right now to support his addiction he has nothing to worry about he has a roof over his head, he has 3 meals a day i guess, and you to smooch money off of, or whatever he does, he has u to manipulate, nothings going to change unless you make decisions and the only thing that u can really do is.
1.kick him out
2.call the cops tell them you want him out (this is for ur safety cause u never know what people can do on drugs or drunk.
3.talk to him and ask him if he thinks he has a problem (which u said that he doesnt think he has a problem, so the best thing for u to do is just let him go, and let him go through what he needs to go through. because i mean he can kill someone drinking and driving, he can kill himself in a car wreck, he could go purchase dope, and go back to ur house and go in the house, and then cops could show up and you can get into some serious trouble because ur there as well and live there. so just choose wisely and think about urself because thats what he's doing. he's being selfish! i hope this helps in a way for u. those are some ideas and u can find meetings in ur area and state by going to na.org or aa.org try those websites and if he wants to go to those meetings take him there let him know in the begining he has ur support and stay at the meeting with him and listen to what the oldtimers are sharing and the newcomers because u can learn behavior, and catch things before they happen not to fix the problems urself, but protect urself and kids if you have any. but in those meetings u learn alot of stuff and i think it would do some good for u as well. that way if he does decide to go to meetings and u go with him, u will get an idea of what this disease of addiction can and will do. i wish u luck and i hope nothing but the best for u

[NinaNina]

Originally Posted by Abigail2012

here's the thing u cant change someone. i am a recovering alcoholic and addict been sober and clean almost 3 years. he has to want it for himself and he was drunk and he didnt go for a walk. he's a liar and he knows it. but he wont admit to it. some people have to loose everything like i did and hit rock bottom, and then they have to change only for themselves, there are meetings aa for alcoholics and N/A for all the other drugs. he wouldnt be able to do either of these if he was to get clean or sober because if he did what could happen is his addiction will feed off of the dope. alcohol is a drug anything that is mind alternating chemical that u put into ur body is a drug. now for those of us who have mental problems or issues like adhd, bipolar and etec. yes u need to take ur meds. some of us addicts when was in our addiction had to go through treatment, like drug and alcohol rehabs. which isnt a bad idea at all. but again he has to do it when he's had enough. and he's only using u right now to support his addiction he has nothing to worry about he has a roof over his head, he has 3 meals a day i guess, and you to smooch money off of, or whatever he does, he has u to manipulate, nothings going to change unless you make decisions and the only thing that u can really do is.
1.kick him out
2.call the cops tell them you want him out (this is for ur safety cause u never know what people can do on drugs or drunk.
3.talk to him and ask him if he thinks he has a problem (which u said that he doesnt think he has a problem, so the best thing for u to do is just let him go, and let him go through what he needs to go through. because i mean he can kill someone drinking and driving, he can kill himself in a car wreck, he could go purchase dope, and go back to ur house and go in the house, and then cops could show up and you can get into some serious trouble because ur there as well and live there. so just choose wisely and think about urself because thats what he's doing. he's being selfish! i hope this helps in a way for u. those are some ideas and u can find meetings in ur area and state by going to na.org or aa.org try those websites and if he wants to go to those meetings take him there let him know in the begining he has ur support and stay at the meeting with him and listen to what the oldtimers are sharing and the newcomers because u can learn behavior, and catch things before they happen not to fix the problems urself, but protect urself and kids if you have any. but in those meetings u learn alot of stuff and i think it would do some good for u as well. that way if he does decide to go to meetings and u go with him, u will get an idea of what this disease of addiction can and will do. i wish u luck and i hope nothing but the best for u

Thank you for your thought out response, I will consider all you have said. The only thing I would like to add, is that if I made it sound like he doesn't think he has a problem, that was not my intention. He admits to being an alcoholic.