Making Amends

Days of Healing Days of Joy .......................Sept. 28

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step Nine of Alcoholics Anonymous

Step Eight was the planning phase of the action we are called to take in Step Nine. Having prepared ourselves by making a list of all the persons we have harmed, we are now ready to mobilize. It's time to make contact, to acknowledge what we've done, and to say we're sorry. The purpose is not to grovel, but to take greater responsibility for our own lives.

Many adult children have found freedom at the moment they surrendered guilt by admittiing wrong. Whether the admission was well received or not, whether the response of the other was appropriate or not, the sheer willingness to face up to reality was enough to unlock the shackles of the past.

When direct amends are impossible, the wisdom of the program tells us to make amends in our own hearts. Again, the upshot of Step Nine has much less to do with others than it does with our own willingness to do what it takes to recover.
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My Higher Power gives me the courage to acknowledge my responsibility for hurting others.

Step Eight terrified me, as I had to make the list of everyone I had harmed and that list seemed to grow the longer I thought about it. I couldn't believe some of the things I remembered I had done in my 20 year drinking career that hurt or may have hurt someone else. I'm sure my friends would have considered my condition but they were still deserving of an apology, regardless of how many years had passed. The thought terrified me, but at the same time I looked forward to it, as a sort of cleansing of my soul -- I had felt "soul-less" for so long that perhaps the soul would re-enter the body should I make these apologies.

Step Nine, I did make ALL the apologies that I was able to. Some people had died, and some had moved and I couldn't find them. But every single apology was met with wonderful results -- along with congratulations on being sober and best wishes for continued sobriety! I was astounded at the grace with which everyone accepted my apologies. I was truly blessed and humbled.

thanks for your post, leed. the greatest amends i had were with my loving son. the greatest way for me to give to him was to stay sober. every 5 years i gave him my coin and he'd give me back the previous one. my coins went to iraq-he's career military-5 times. i told him to rub the coin in his pocket to remind him God was with him at all times. one year-my 15th yr. sober i spent with his family. when i walked in the door he had his hand out to let me know it was time to exchange his coin. oh happy day!!!

Thanks Lee,
And thank you Madisgram -- my sponsor says that much of my amends are 'living amends' being sober is a huge part of my amends!
I'm working on this step with my sponsor right now, it's time to see the promises of this step come alive...

Did you experience these Lee (or did anyone else experience these)?

Big Book pg. 83
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development,
we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom
and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past
nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and
we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness (will disappear)
and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and
(We will) gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people (will leave us) and
(fear) of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them."

I doubt you'll believe this but I experienced the promises (ALL OF THEM) within the first 2 MONTHS of being sober!!! I couldn't believe it! I read and re-read the Promises constantly to make sure I wasn't just HOPING that I'd experienced them -- but I had! It was like a miracle to me. My whole journey into sobriety was nothing but miraculous in that it went so smooth -- and I had so MANY people in my group pulling for me and helping me. I was truly blessed and I still am. It's almost embarassing to say, but getting sober for me was almost easy. (Remember, I said almost ) I wish all could experience what I did.

Thank you for sharing on step 8 & 9. I just finished my eight step and I'm getting ready to make amends where I can. Again thank you very much for posting

It's so great reading what you all are doing. I still keep a list of people I couldn't make amends to, review them, because a lot of them are the ones I know would have damned me to hell, had they the chance. But I make amends to their memory. It's the least I can do. It feels right, even as it feels silly.
I love you people. Thanks for being here.
Roadie

stratotcaster re the PROMISES. everything happened for me over time and then some. it was far beyond my wildest dreams!!!! and those things keep happening still. i give each person i sponsor a printed PROMISES at the beginning. i suggest they read it everyday to remind them what will come true if they stay sober. i tell them even if they don't think the promises will come true for them they will. i even say" i promise you The Promises will come true if you work the program and live it." it's a pretty absolute comment but my own experience assures me i can promise them that. i tell them it will happen in spite of their disbelief the miracles will take place. can't tell you how many sponsees say it was helpful and gave them the hope they needed.

Thank you all! This is inspirational. The promises do give me hope to continue this journey. There was part of me that was skeptical but all the other steps have shown miraculous results. My sponsor told me that skepticism is lacking faith in my Higher Power so I threw that out the window.

For instance, I can share an experience I had with Step 7, my sponsor and I reviewed it and we did the prayers in the Big Book, I honestly thought I was ready to move onto step 8. Although something wasn't quite right, I couldn't go on, it felt unfinished. So my spons told me to keep doing step 7 everyday, "humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings." Everyday I would (and with my sponsors persistence) get onto my knees and ask my HP to remove my defects...many times when my defects would come up in my life, I would leave the room and quietly do this step. I would be in tears! This went on for awhile --also my sponsor was gentle and encouraging that it was okay to work on a specific step for awhile. Well, recently, I have finally come to know and accept my BPD diagnosis and am doing the necessary therapies to combat it...much of my shortcomings have revolved around my disorder for so long! My shortcomings are slowly leaving. My Higher Power delivered afterall!

"God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."
I am truly amazed...

These are the two steps that I am terrified of. I am proud of you for being strong enough to do this and take full responsibility. When I read through the 12 steps I stopped at these steps and couldn't believe I would have to do this, like it would destroy me or something to that effect. The first time I admitted I had a problem and started to do something about it was 2006. I stayed on step 1,2, and 3 for 4 years, stayed clean for those years, too. But, by not working the steps or giving it anywhere near my all, I relapsed and have been living in my own personal hell for 2 years. Anyway, I just wanted to say good for you, sorry for rambling.