[johnf22881]

I don't know if I am grasping at straws or if I have actually realized the ROOT of all my issues.

17 or 18 years ago I was diagnosed as being bipolar (I still don't agree with this diagnosis). That is when all the medication started. I have been on every medication there is, nothing helped (I'm still not sure why everyone tried to fix what wasn't broken). Yes, every medication. In fact, I think that all the medication messed my mind up. I feel like it took every ounce of who I was away.

Quick information about my past:
When I was younger, I was incredible at baseball (I was an incredible pitcher, throwing over MPH at just 13 years old), incredibly strong, ridiculously intelligent, and was just dominant at whatever I worked at. If I focused on something, it was what I got. I did go through some very foolish things that may have made people think I needed help: got in fights, hung out with the wrong people, tried to fit in by drinking and drugging, and numerous other foolish things. The point is that I had behavioral issues, in my opinion, and someone should have focused on changing the behavioral problems; instead of throwing pills down my throat.

My parents were terrible role models and they were not meant to be parents. I think that therapy without the medication was the answer and not throwing the pills down the hatch. The fact that medication took the place of behavioral modification makes me so angry. I feel like the meds did so much harm that I got used to feeling like if I pop a pill, everything would be fine. There is so much more to explain about this revelation, but this post would be endless.

I am saying this because I have been off medication for the first time in 17/18 years and I have absolutely no desire to do drugs or drink (While on the medication this is all I thought about and did, probably to self medicate against the effects of the meds). That is why I have come to the conclusion that the meds did destroy me... How do you guys feel about this thought?

[Leed]

All you're doing is describing addiction. You said "I got used to feeling that if I pop a pill, everything will be fine." Well that's all ANY of us felt whether it was pills or booze. We were just medicating the pain.

So what you're describing isn't anything different that addiction. Are you afraid to say the word or to call yourself an addict? I'm sorry if I'm pointing a finger. I CANNOT call you an addict -- only YOU can decide if you're an addict or not, but what you describe is certainly what WE go thru. And we are all addicts/alcoholics.

There is NO SHAME in it as addiction and alcoholism are DISEASES. They're no different than if you had cancer or diabetes or any other disease. It's just we have the power to control these -- we can stop these diseases if we stop! And evidently you stopped and I applaud you for that!! Congratulations because not all of us are that lucky!

I wish you the very best! Keep on doing the good work -- and if you need support, seek out NA or AA meetings as support IS crucial. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[johnf22881]

I'm fine saying I'm an addict, alcoholic, or even a sinner. My point was that by allowing a doctor to dictate my life by medicating me, I got used to the fix it with a pill idea. I was also saying that I felt as though they were medicating me when it wasn't needed and I, in turn, derailed their attempts by becoming an addict, alcoholic, or sinner.

I just think the medical field over prescribes and it can do some major damage. Again, I am an addict, alcoholic, and sinner; someone still concerned with the damage medication can do.

[madisgram]

john i completely understand your posts. there are some ppl who are put on meds that don't need them. my present pdoc (went to harvard) has taken me off some of my meds. we are using relaxation and meditation in place of some meds i had been on for ages. tho i suffer from major depressive disorder and benefit from anti-depressants i am glad i take less meds.
therapy is an excellent way to deal with behavioral issues. when i got sober cognitive behavioral therapy really helped me aong with my 12 step program. the mix gave me a better life than from whence i came.
the only reservation re your experience is if you didn't have therapy or didn't do the work there is no progress.
i think what led you to drug/alcohol use was a means to escape from your life experiences. i don't think the meds you were on for bipolar actually caused your addiction, imo. but it doesn't really matter how we got there it's what addiction did to us once we arrived. sober you can resolve things with therapy. i'd discuss your concerns to your therapist re your addiction and treatment for the previous diagnosis.

[johnf22881]

Years ago, about 15 years ago, I forbid myself from doing research relevant to psychoactive/tropic drugs. I think I did this because, even at that time, there were so many schools of thought on medications that effect our neurotransmitters and very few of them were supportive or for the approach at all; and I didn't want to placebo myself. Now, all these years later, I am off medication and feel incredible (not manic).

This new feeling encouraged me to start looking in to the effects of these drugs, and what I found is not at all encouraging. I found that medication can even facilitate mental illness and they can strip a person of their emotional abilities (that explains so much in my particular case). The most disturbing of all, reading it multiple times on multiple sites, is that medication can seriously impair cognitive function.

I'm not looking for an excuse to put my addiction or alcoholism on, just feel like these medications stole too many years of life. Again, I am responsible... but medication did not help matters.

[gma45]

Sounds like you are at a good place in your life. I believe medication has it's place sometimes it is needed. Just depends on the person and their chemistry. Glad you find you don't need it any longer.

[johnf22881]

I know the past is history, but I wish there was a way to get back the last decade of my life. I know if I was never on psychiatric medication, things would have been much different (they made me someone else, an incredibly impaired someone else).