should have done something

About a year and a half ago, I lost a friend that was more like a brother, to drugs. He was smart, compassionate, talented, and I believe he had a good soul.

"Tom" was the son of a dear friend and we are almost family. He struggled with additction for years. He was just out of the hospital for a self injection related infection. It almost took his life. Shortly after release from the hospital, he had trouble regulating his temperature, and as close to death as he had been, may have stlll have been septic.

The morning of his death, he called the house. I heard him leave the message, but I didn't pick up. He died that afternoon after having taken something his ex girlfriend gave him. The girl he was with went to take out the trash to the dumpster, leaving him playing video games. When she returne a few minutes later, she found him on the floor, unconscious with no heartbeat.

I can't help but wonder if I had picked up the phone that morning it things would have worked out differently. Maybe he would still be alive. I don't think it was a suicide. I think he just took a dose that he had before, but this time his system was already physically unstable from his infecton. .

I know that technically, it wouldn't have changed anything anything, but there is still that nagging doubt.

I miss him. Can't see, to get past the fact that I could have picked up the phone that day.

Sam2

I know it's hard but you can't play the what if game. There's just no way to know and carrying around that nagging doubt does you no good at all. You don't control other people or the universe. I've had two people close to me commit suicide. I talked to my sister the day before and she sounded fine. I drove myself nuts replaying our last conversation trying to figure out if I missed something. Was there something I could have said that would have made a difference? And a really good friend of mine. We were supposed to hang out but I had to take another friend to the ER by the time I got to call her I got no answer and thought she went to bed. Found out the next day she had committed suicide. What if I'd remembered to call on the way to the ER? What if I'd called and said meet us there?? But you can't think like that. You just can't it will drive you crazy. Grief counseling helped me to let go of the guilt and quit playing the what if I'd...self torture game.

It took some searching because I'm not a religious person and wanted a secular group. If you are religious then groups and counseling are much easier to find. Most are free or run on donations so cost shouldn't be prohibitive. I wish you the best of luck. I truly hope you find a way to let go of the doubt you have.

Sam, if Tom had already been septic, his girlfriend should have KNOWN NOT to just give him anything! She should have taken him back to the hospital immediately if things weren't 'RIGHT." It may or may not have made a difference. No one knows. He probably shouldn't have been released from the hospital so soon! These stupid insurance companies throw you out the minute you're conscious.

So please don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault. What if you hadn't been home? What if you'd been outside and just didn't hear the phone? There are so many "what if's" that you could drive yourself insane. So stop blaming yourself. Chances are it wouldn't have made ANY difference at all. The gf shouldn't have given him what she gave him -- it was probably toxic to him.

So even tho there's nothing to forgive, just forgive yourself. I'll keep you in my prayers as well as your friend Tom. God bless you Sam, and please take care of yourself, okay? Hugs, Lee

Hi Sam, I think what your going through is a normal grief experience. When something tragic and unexpected happens I think it normal to feel the way you do. Your upset and trying to cope with it, but whether you picked up the phone or not, he probably would have still taken the pill.
It is very sad, and just be easy on yourself and give it some time. I hope you feel better about things soon. Also, feel free to talk about here as much as you need to.
A friend of mine died in a house fire, I felt the same way as you do, thinking if I was there maybe I could have gotten him out of the house. It was tragic and I was just coping with it, and Ive heard others talk about the same thing happening to them when they experienced something really tragic. Take care.

in time your pain of losing your friend will not be as intense. but you will always look back to the times you shared together. i know. i lost my best friend this way. R.I.P. maryjane. i was out of town on business but wondered if i had been there if things would not turn out as they did. we lived within walking distance to each other.
as for feeling guilty there is no way of stopping the intention. you are not at fault. ppl who do what tom did have planned it for some time, sam. also he was entangled with addiction. addiction takes many lives and leaves their loved ones in limbo. so many "what ifs" for us even if their death was unintended.
i hope you will consider this. there is no reason for you to feel responsible.
i'm so glad you posted. it helps to talk about our experiences that trouble us.