[kptampa]

I have really screwed up. I have used drugs as an escape since I was 15. (now 33) I tried crack 1 year ago and ......
lets just say it is a little addictive. I still have my family, my home, my business (hanging by a thread) and I want to be sober. Just thinking about it is hard. I have purchased drug tests and have put someone in charge of testing me. (starting tommorow) but I get the feeling it is not that simple. I am going to work my way into a more active lifestyle and he is acting as my personal trainer. I am broke, but I figure somehow I have supported a 150+ a day habbit for 3 or 4 months now so... I feel so much guilt. I do
not know how to handle it. It is almost like the drugs were to escape the guilt of the drugs. I am emotionally wrecked.
Con someone help me find the upside?

[Raynaadi]

The upside is fairly easy to see. Have you seen others battle their addictions and get sober and get everything back? It can happen for you too. When I got sober, I hadn't lost everything, I hadn't gotten a DUI etc, but what I realized in the beginning was all those things were a big fat YET. The yets kept me coming back and still do. I went to meetings and took it one day at a time. I know have over a year and a half sober. I absolutely LOVE my life today. LOVE IT....seriously, it's a great life and you can have it to. The best way to get sober is NOT to do it alone. Find other sober people, either going to meetings or something. Living a more active lifestyle and having someone drug test you? Hmmm, that's a beginning, but just something that simple won't do it. Those drug tests won't detect alcohol, so how will you stop that? That guilt you're feeling is normal, but as you clean up your side of the street, that guilt fades. How did I clean up my side of the street? By working the 12 steps and helping others. If you're willing, it works like a charm. You can do it!!!!

[kptampa]

Thanks Ranaadi,

Thank God the Yets did not happen to me either. It may be day 2 but, I feel great! I have a meeting schedule for CA in my pocket. Not sure if I am going to it or not though. I do however, have friends in recovery that I speak to often. Thanks for your thoughts

[biplol]

(((((((kptampa)))))), I can see you have the best intentions and I think Raaynadi gave you the best advice, take one day at a time.
Feeling guilty is part of the healing proccess, so don't pay too much attention and PM me anytime.

[Raynaadi]

Congrats on day 2!!! Do you know how many people are out there wishing they could get just one day? You're already an inspiration. I would definetly check out the CA meeting. HUGE help!!!

[desirae]

The upside is ultimately prolonging and enjoying life....if the drug use continues there will be much more sevre burdens then guilt. I wish you luck, remember.....one minute at a time.

[dgmorris]

A counselor once told me that feeling guilty was just an easy way to excuse my continued bad behavior. The hard part was changing that behavior. Another (much kinder) counselor told me that guilt was God's way of letting me know I was still human. If I hadn't felt guilty for continuing to do something that I knew was harmful, something would have been seriously wrong. I tried for years to figure out how to enjoy the kind of life I wanted AND use drugs. Guess what, those two things were as incompatible as oil and water. I had to choose one or the other.

[shadowalker164]

Kp…
So…… how did your first meeting go?
Fill us in, we really want to know.
Richard

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope the best for you in going to your support meetings. They can actually be good for accounability and help you stay focused on your goal. There may also be outpatient treatment programs through mental health as well that you may want to think about, to healp you in your recovery process. Take care Soidhonia

[kptampa]

Well,

I still have not formally been to a meeting (NA) But something kind of strange did happen. I have been doing a lot of walking with my dog trying to keep clear. In addition to parking my car 1 mile from the office so I would have a
lot of time to think about it if I was tempted... Anyway, I walked passed a church last night and noticed a bunch of cars.. Looked like a meeting.. I poked in and it was AA. Nice people. Close by I could not hang out long, but now I have another option... I am still clean and somewhat sane. My dog is happier and my yard looks better. I am just focusing on living right now,
I am so glad I have you guys that care and want to hear how it is going. It gives me another reason not to screw up.

Ken

[Soidhonia]

Hello good to hear that you are at least open minded enough to attend AA. That is a good step in the right direction. Take care Soidhonia

[Raynaadi]

Awesome job!!!!! Good for you, keep it up, and please keep posting about your progress!!

[shadowalker164]

KP…The thing that trips us up is nothing. Into action my friend. Find that meeting, that AA meeting will do just fine as well. The thing that gets more of us than almost anything else is doing nothing hoping it will just go away on it’s own.

Always, always into action my friend

Richard