[thickntired]

Hi. I've been attending AA for almost one year. In that time I've not had any alcohol or my main vice weed. I take pills that I'd imagine count as relapses but whatevah.

I'm having a really hard time getting along with members. I basically ignore the steps because when I did my honest and thourough step 5, 6 months ago, I ended up manic and IP. It was awful and I pissed off a few members. So, it was really hard to return.

I pretty much get the feeling that all my peers have moved on to doing the steps ad nauseum. I don't mean to judge - more power to them. I just am no longer a fit anywhere. I get the feeling that I'm judged for venting rather than making amends and newcomers are steered away from my direction. Like I'm not working a good program. The whole thing is making my bipolar and mental state worse. I don't feel like I'm going to relapse, but the stress from being around AA ppl feels like high school all over and I'm ostrecized for not drinking the Kool aid.

Has anyone left AA or felt unwelcome in their group?

Thanks. Tnt

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I go through spurts of being really into it or not going to meetings at all. Actually, right now I'm in between. I go to meetings and feel very welcome but it seems like somewhat of a charade for me because I don't feel I can talk about my mental health issues. I know it's not a support group for mental health issues, but sometimes when I share I feel like I'm just rambling on when all I want to do is scream, "Don't you know how depressed I am? Please help!"

When I told someone after the meeting I was depressed (I'm in a bipolar depressive phase right now), he advised me (not that I was looking for advice) to "help another person." Obviously, he doesn't get it. Frustrating, but not a shocker piece of advice from an AA perspective I guess.

I don't believe in all of AA's tenets like I used to.

AA didn't work out well for me either.

I've heard there are other recovery programs out there, but I'm not too much into "group" thinking as I've been horribly damaged by the abuses of those with these types of mindsets in the past.

With that being said, however, recovery is still possible even if we choose to not participate, it's just a little less difficult if we have some kind of peer support.

Good luck on your road to recovery!

[vans1974]

Originally Posted by thickntired

Hi. I've been attending AA for almost one year. In that time I've not had any alcohol or my main vice weed. I take pills that I'd imagine count as relapses but whatevah.

I'm having a really hard time getting along with members. I basically ignore the steps because when I did my honest and thourough step 5, 6 months ago, I ended up manic and IP. It was awful and I pissed off a few members. So, it was really hard to return.

I pretty much get the feeling that all my peers have moved on to doing the steps ad nauseum. I don't mean to judge - more power to them. I just am no longer a fit anywhere. I get the feeling that I'm judged for venting rather than making amends and newcomers are steered away from my direction. Like I'm not working a good program. The whole thing is making my bipolar and mental state worse. I don't feel like I'm going to relapse, but the stress from being around AA ppl feels like high school all over and I'm ostrecized for not drinking the Kool aid.

Has anyone left AA or felt unwelcome in their group?

Thanks. Tnt

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Hey thick and tired, I used to go to AA, CA, and NA all the time, but recently have feel out of place as well. It's like they say, everyone works the program their own way, even if that means not attending! That's awesome you've been clean and sober...that's what's important!!

[emgreen]

Congrats on staying sober! If anyone gives you crap about now working the program "correctly" remind them that the steps & ways of working them are suggestions only. That's written in "How It Works" & in the Big Book. I work the steps in a pretty unconventional manner & so does my sponsor. The only step you have to do 100% is Step One. Anyone who suggests there are hard and fast rules is FOS.

I understand what it's like to go to meetings when manic. After all is said & done it can be pretty embarrassing to return to the meetings where I was at my worst. I just changed meetings for a while until I felt more comfortable returning. Sometimes changing up your meeting schedule is healthy anyways.

Again, congrats on staying sober. Whatever you decide to do regarding meetings, keep Step One in mind...IMO that's the key to staying clean & sober.

[seeker1950]

I like what Emgreen said. AA was not a good choice for me. I eventually (and just recently) stopped drinking completely 6 months ago. The way I did this was by making the drastic life change of retiring from my teaching job of 24 years. I would say if you can make any conscious changes that improve your life situation to a calmer state, this might help. It certainly did for me.

[thickntired]

Thanks you all for the responses and support. I just think a big book thumping AA program is definitely not conducive with mental illness. It's not every AA member there has to balance sobriety with bipolar or any mental illness. I think it's something I'll put on the back burner as I increase my sober time. All I do now (when my meds work) is 2x a week, and I wouldn't in a million years sponsor another alcoholic.

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[emgreen]

Originally Posted by thickntired

I just think a big book thumping AA program is definitely not conducive with mental illness. It's not every AA member there has to balance sobriety with bipolar or any mental illness...I wouldn't in a million years sponsor another alcoholic.

I don't think hellfire & brimstone Big Book thumpers have a place at ANY meetings under any circumstances...but I guess that works for some folks. Keep in mind that there are all different kinds of folks at AA meetings. I'm fortunate that my sponsor's wife is also bipolar, so he understands the mental health issues I deal with. He's also about as far from being a Big Book thumper as you can get. I hope you have similar luck finding someone in meetings you can relate to. I've found there are more folks with MI than you'd think. Most folks don't draw attention to it because of the meds issue; damned purists can't handle the truth that meds are necessary for some people to function.

I, like you, would never sponsor anyone. I feel my cycles of depression (especially) & hypo times make me unsuited to sponsor anyone. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your thinking & that others have experiences similar to yours. I choose to go to about five meetings a week, but often don't attend at all when I get depressed & agoraphobic. It all depends on the moods...But I do feel that without AA I'd have a far more difficult time staying sober. Good luck around the tables.

[DePressMe]

I went to rehab 4 times and did AA and could not make it work. I quit drinking 8 years ago without AA and I've stayed sober without AA. Before I say anything else, I want to give my respect to the successful AA members. For some people the program works and it is a life saver. But, it seems like there are many unhappy people in meetings. I've studied neuroscience, somatics and existential psychiatry for a long time and the AA philosophy does not correlate with my research. I'm much happier now that I'm sober and I feel supported by what I've learned over the years. One study I read not too long ago showed that AA can cause PTSD in some members.

[Perna]

I would see if I could find a bipolar support group of some kind, see if switching types of groups works better for you? Find a support Group - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance Work at it from that angle?

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by DePressMe

I went to rehab 4 times and did AA and could not make it work. I quit drinking 8 years ago without AA and I've stayed sober without AA.

Congratulations on achieving sobriety on your own! Thanks for sharing your experience!

One study I read not too long ago showed that AA can cause PTSD in some members.

Given some of the "grand poobahs" actions in AA I believe it. I think for some, sponsoring folks is a power trip & I can understand how they might create emotional distress in certain individuals. I'm glad I was able to find a sponsor who treats me as an equal...One whose wife is bipolar, too. He's actually much more a very close friend than he is a sponsor. You're right, though. Different people may react differently to AA than others. It's a matter of choosing your confidants carefully.

For me, in addition to helping me focus on my sobriety, AA also acts as a place where I can get out of my own head. I tend to isolate too much when I become symptomatic. I guess at these times AA acts more as a cheap form of "group therapy" for me. While I don't share the fact that I'm bipolar around the tables of AA, I can cautiously share some of the things I'm experiencing.

Thanks again for your insights & congrats on your 8 years.

[thickntired]

Thank you for sharing that AA isn't the only way. For one thing they are terribly antiquated disregarding new studies in addiction. I found this link interesting

http://www.orange-papers.org/

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[emgreen]

Thanks for posting "The Orange Papers." It's interesting reading & points out many of the problems with AA. As I've written before on these boards, stats suggest that only about 5% of AAs maintain continuous sobriety without relapse...So AA obviously isn't the only way (As DePressMe's experience proves).

I certainly don't do much reading from The Big Book or other AA literature since I find them pretty dogmatic & dated. I do, however, follow the phrase (which may seem trite), "Take what you need & leave the rest." Again, there are all different kinds of folks in AA. Choose who you listen to carefully.

[Jcon614]

Totally agree with Perna. I think one group she mentioned you are already on. I would stick with that.

[BlueInanna]

hey tnt, I think it's sad how AA is pushed on people, like courts ordering it. I've had both my older kids in rehab & AA was forced, getting a sponsor was forced, quitting their benzo & AD (which our pdoc said is inhumane & criminal negligence if we wanted to deal with suing) cold turkey was forced. I feel like they aren't equipped to deal with MI.

I went to Alanon for awhile & everyone was talking about how they thought they were "crazy" until they realized they were co-dependent. I swear that was said so often. I took it to heart, I felt so alone there & like I must be bad for truly being crazy since I have bp. I didn't tell anyone about my bp, which was actually the bigger issue than being codependent.

My daughter had found a night time beach out doors meeting that she likes. It's more casual and like a hang out with discussions. I honestly don't think she'll work the steps or find a true sponsor, but I'm happy for her finding sober friends. Praying it'll help her stay off the heroin & pot.

[thickntired]

Hi Blue Inanna

I can so relate. One lady said she was crazy and on disability, but thru AA she found she did not have the stigma of being a crazy person. The word crazy gets thrown around and it is terribly annoying and ignorant. The big book clearly states that sponsors are not medical Doctors and should never make a call on meds. I'm glad your daughter found an alternative. Btw my biggest vice was pot and ppl who say it's not addictive make me want to pull my hair out.

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[splitimage]

If you have mental health issues as well as addiction, a good alternative is "Double Recovery" which is specifically for people with concurrent disrders.

I'm not sure how widespread their meetings are - obviously they're a lot fewer of them than AA, but I have 15 DR meetings a week to choose from here.

Try googling them.

splitimage

[BlueInanna]

I have to tell you guys something kind of funny ( to me) happened last night at iop drug recovery family night with my daughter. It's a great group of people & my 2nd family night. So when my turn I blurted it out, I have bipolar & have meds I'm "supposed" to take & when I was at Alanon I never felt comfortable telling anyone, I don't feel support the for people with MI. Somehow this turned into the group talking to me about staying on meds & is it worth the risk of being unstable for my kids. This was ironic after all the other people shared their pill addictions. At break, a nice man talked to me about how he takes an AP at night & it's helping him. So anyway I felt very welcomed by them and it was a great meeting! I'd say don't give up hope, try different meeting until one feels right. I like being in a circle group rather than the ones in rows like a classroom for example. Hope you're doing ok tnt?

[thickntired]

That is so cool! I'm glad you received a warm welcome. Tonight I didn't want to go and of course I cried. But a guy picked up a 13yr chip. He told us his daughter died of an overdose. He still calls her his crazy daughter. Then the next month his Dad died. The topic was acceptance and when it was my turn to speak I just said thank you so much for your inspiration to this poor guy. But it's good I went bc I believe I was meant to hear him speak.

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[crmplex]

i have left the program years ago. i suppose i cannot speak intelligently about staying sober, however i felt an overwhelming feeling i was joining a cult while i was in there. and i went to many meetings not just a few. Im not religious. although i felt as though jesus was being forced down my throat. when i expressed these feelings i was outcasted by some. and some lost faith in my loyalty to sobriety. my loyalty to sobriety defines my loyalty to myself! i want to stop abusing drugs. period. i dont need another addiction to fill the void.

that being said, i do appreciate the supportive nature most meetings uphold. I assume AA is meant to be taken with a grain of salt. However try telling my bipolar blood to slow down in my veins. my thoughts get the best of me.