[supernaught16]

Here is a little about me. I started drinking when I was 14, by the time I was 21 I had been drinking way to much and went to Rehab. 23 I went to rehab where they kept me for a year For drugs and alcohol. I met this woman after a 3rd short rehab program. When I first met her she had everything all covered up, she smoked a little bit of weed here and there... Fast forward a year and a half later, she revealed her full blown alcoholic habits, started drinking a fifth of tequila a day and started doing drugs.

I relapsed with her, I got clean, she didn't didn't get clean, she ended up going down hill cheating on me with drug dealers, saying she is at the bar when she is really at a drug dealers house, saying she is at the store when she is at the bar, etc. Next month we are supposed to get married. She got caught with drugs. The date of our honey moon she is scheduled for court now.

I told her last week (we were supposed to get married next month and we were trying to have a baby) that if she wants to have what we have and rescue our relationship she needs to turn her life around NOW, cut this out right now, and if she wants to do so, call me at 10:00pm... 10:00pm came and she called me but, I can't forgive and forget for her cheating or being so disrespectful to me, herself and our plans and to our soon to be marriage. I didn't answer the phone and told myself I will never talk to her again.

Tomorrow will be one week since then I and I miss her so much. I feel like I am dying inside. I just want to give her a hug. I want to tell her I love her no matter what. I do love her and I always will... Is how I feel and I want her so bad....

But I feel like she will never change and I know that the reasons for me leaving will only get worse...

I can't call her and just say hi because then that will lead to me talking to her more, and more and more, and she will still be talking to this other guy, she will still be letting us both have sex her and I dont want that relationship with my wife.

I feel like crap bc this behavior turned all at once, it was like she pulled a trigger on a gun. She was such a wonderful woman and then *Boom* it was like pulling a trigger on a gun, all of this happened all in a day.

I don't know. I want the satisfaction of just hearing her voice, but I think it's best I leave and never talk to her again.

I blocked her number, text, email and FB.

Also, I know this behavior and thought process of mine is wrong and sick, I was wondering if this relationship and wanting her back (toxic) has to do with addiction? I know my relationship with substances was very toxic and I used to miss that.. too.

What do you think about me missing my ex and wanting to talk to her and hear her voice?
What do you think about us lasting together (She is bi-polar and I had read BP has a 90% success rate)
and if it is unhealthy that I want to go back, is wanting to go back to unhealthy relationships part of addiction?

That's really tough... hang in there. I don't think your thought process is wrong - it's natural to miss her regardless because you really care about her even if she's really a mess and has done you wrong.

Also I'm sure it took a lot of strength to cut her off the way you did and it's probably for the best because if you keep letting her get away with it nothing will change. Not to mention that you are trying hard to stay sober and even without the cheating part it would be pretty terrible for you to have to be around drugs/alcohol all the time like that...

Perhaps the quick switch you mention has to do with her entering a severe manic phase, but that's just a guess... you are probably aware of this having been in a relationship with someone who has BP but mania can often result in extremely reckless behavior, drug/alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, etc.

I think the addictive personality that results in drug/alcohol addiction could very easy also play a part in being "addicted" to a relationship like you are suggesting.

I think you've made the right decision for the time being... and if you can't live what the things she's already done to you then maybe you shouldn't go back at all even if she gets clean (unless you can really and honestly forgive her for all that she's done). Even mania doesn't excuse away all of it even if that is a contributing factor...

Long ago I was in a relationship where I was mistreated and needed to do what you did, but I didn't and definitely regret not having the strength to do it (I can appreciate how hard it is because I couldn't do it). It sounds like even though it was obviously very tough you did the right thing. She is going to have to make some changes on her own and then seek you out if there's any chance of fixing things (and you should choose not to if you already feel like it's been too damaging to the relationship to ever work again). I definitely wouldn't recommend pursuing her at all or even calling her but that's just me (and of course easier said than done when you're in love).

Most of all don't let all of this drive you back into the addiction that you've already gone through so much to overcome - she may have stomped on your heart but don't let her take your sobriety away from you too. Stay strong and hang in there...

[Altered Moment]

Wow you are pretty strong to block her and very aware. I am impressed by your level of awareness about what is going on. I would be hacking her face book account lol.

Your sobriety and mental health has to come first. When I first got sober in AA I found out I was a rescuer. They were going to make me a t-shirt "Rescuers Inc.". I wanted to be the night in shining armor rescuing the damsel in distress. Usually I got in relationships with someone who just got divorced or just got out of a long term relationship. They needed me emotionally for about six months and then as soon as they started getting over it.........bam I was gone. And then I would obsess like crazy over it. One relationship was two years and was actually very healthy. She had twenty years in Alanon. She couldn't handle my depression and our age difference. when it ended I got triggered and would listen to her voice mails and read her emails. (I had her passwords) I tortured myself for about six months (of course another guy showed up in the emails). Finally I found the strength to move on and get over it. Oh the good ole days of early sobriety.

Anyway. Real love and caring are involved for sure but relationships can be very addictive. Maybe you have an unhealthy need to fix her. Just because we are alcoholics doesn't mean we are not codependent. It is after we get clean and sober that our co dependencies come out.

I would strongly suggest Alanon. It is what helped me a great deal. There is no way I could be with an addict that was actively using at this point in my life. I won't tell you what to do but if it was me I would cut it loose as hard as that would be. Maybe postpone the marriage and give her a set time to really get clean and sober. I wouldn't have high exceptions of her changing though. You have to take care of you. Check out Alanon.

[Altered Moment]

My friends tease me that I need to go to AA and find a real sick one to save and that will fix my problems. " Captain save a hoe".

Sorry to be crude but that is what they say.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[supernaught16]

It's not just captain save a hoe. This woman was my neighbor, I grew up with her. I love her. She was my best friend before we were romantically involved. After living with her I didn't find out what she was really like to deal with though.

[Altered Moment]

I am very sorry for that comment. I should have never made it. I was speaking of myself and a crude saying that is out there that my friends have said to me joking. I in no way meant it toward you and your situation.

I know you are in a very difficult situation and it has to be very hard. I said in the previous post that true love and caring are involved for sure. It is very hard to know what the right thing to do is. I don't believe in giving up hope on people. How involved do you want to be is the question. I know I was the rebound relationship for some women. They told me they loved me. When they were emotionally stronger they dumped me. Did they really love me? I dunno maybe to a degree. I know I was a quick fix. I had a rescuing addiction issue or codependency issue. Same thing.
You asked what we thought.

and if it is unhealthy that I want to go back, is wanting to go back to unhealthy relationships part of addiction?

I think wanting to go back to unhealthy relationships is a part of addiction. That what is most important is to take of yourself and your sobriety. It is up to your to decide whether it is unhealthy for you or not. Whether you want to give her a chance. I don't know what the answer is for you. I know what the answer would be for me at this point in my sobriety. But even that in reality is hard to say unless I was in the same spot right now.

That probably makes it much harder... you still made the right choice and you should be proud of yourself for it because even though it's all you can really do it's still extremely hard and many people wouldn't be strong enough.

Sorry if that just sounds like generic, stupid encouragement but I've seen friends go down the hard drug path (cocaine, heroin) and there's nothing you can do to stop them - they have to do it themselves and some do, some don't. You can't stick around and put yourself through that torture. The decision you've made is the right one and really the only sensible thing you can do.

Take care, it will get easier with time...

[supernaught16]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I am very sorry for that comment. I should have never made it. I was speaking of myself and a crude saying that is out there that my friends have said to me joking. I in no way meant it toward you and your situation.

I know you are in a very difficult situation and it has to be very hard. I said in the previous post that true love and caring are involved for sure. It is very hard to know what the right thing to do is. I don't believe in giving up hope on people. How involved do you want to be is the question. I know I was the rebound relationship for some women. They told me they loved me. When they were emotionally stronger they dumped me. Did they really love me? I dunno maybe to a degree. I know I was a quick fix. I had a rescuing addiction issue or codependency issue. Same thing.
You asked what we thought.

I think wanting to go back to unhealthy relationships is a part of addiction. That what is most important is to take of yourself and your sobriety. It is up to your to decide whether it is unhealthy for you or not. Whether you want to give her a chance. I don't know what the answer is for you. I know what the answer would be for me at this point in my sobriety. But even that in reality is hard to say unless I was in the same spot right now.

what would your answer be for yourself?

[Altered Moment]

Sorry for not getting back earlier. I think for me at this point in my sobriety I could not be with someone who was actively using. I would not get involved in the first place.

But if I were in your situation I would probably cut it loose as hard as it would be and pray for that person that they get the help they need. I don't know if I could be involved in helping them get help. If I were in love and chose to cut it lose I would have to stay out of their lives for six months to a year to get over the grief and my issues around it.

I may also give them a chance to really get help and get clean and sober. It would be their choice. I would have to keep my distance and see how they really did. It would have to be real. After getting clean and sober they would have to be involved in continued recovery and willing to really work on the relationship and helping each other heal. It can be done with two willing people. That would be ideal for you. But it totally depends on her and you have no control so it is very hard.

Could I forgive the cheating? I probably could. I am very forgiving and people do all kinds on things in this disease. I would have to see a profound change in behavior over a reasonable period of time in order to stay.

I still believe taking care of yourself and your sobriety is most important.