The importance of feeling comfortable (12 step discussion)

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DISCLAIMER:
I discuss the 12 steps of AA in this post. I'd really appreciate only supportive replies. If you disagree with the 12 steps, please refrain from replying in a non-supportive way.....thanks.
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Wow....so you all know that I play competetive pool. In pool halls where people's primary purpose is to play pool, but yes there is a bar there. I always go to a meeting before I go, and ask higher power to walk with me. There was always my boyfriend, who would drag me kicking and screaming if I'd try to drink, and now one of my teams has all AA members, and the other team has one AA member.

Well my boyfriend and I broke up, and he's on both teams. The breakup was ok and we're still friends, but its still really strange to be around him.

I've also been full of fear and anger lately and am writing a huge inventory to take to my sponsor on Friday.

Last night at league, I felt like drinking!!! Not because I wanted to, but because I was so uncomfortable, I realized. I was uncomfortable around my ex, I was a little hungry, I was only drinking water because I didn't have money for a soda. I played my match and left. Oh yeah, my AA friend on the team got me some chocolate, old newcomer trick of staving off a craving haha.

Anyway, I played my match and left. I was honest with people that I wanted to drink. Luckily my tools kicked in and I was ok, doing what I was supposed to do but I realized this.....that for me, I can't let much needed inventories sit for a month and expect to walk a free person anywhere, like the bigbook says we can. I was absolutely NOT enjoying life in that moment. So it was a valuable lesson for me, to not balk on needed stepwork!!!!!!

I was amazed at the obsession that hit at almost 2 years sober. I can tell you for sure, if this inventory Friday doesn't make me feel better right away, I won't be going into a pool hall for a little bit. =) Just had to rat myself out.

Truly grateful for another day in paradise,
Rayna

“I was honest with people that I wanted to drink. ‘ & “Just had to rat myself out.”

Ray… just speaking for myself, that brand of honesty is the key. Sugars, food period is a good idea, but dropping a dime on myself, leveling with someone else when things aren’t going as smoothly as I would like you to think they are going will save my life!

It is the secrets we keep that rot our sobriety from the inside out. You did a very smart thing in letting someone else in. And today you are sober and free for it.

Your friend on this long strange road trip
Richard

I'm really working on the honesty thing, admitting when I'm not ok. Instead of trying to be happy all the time. Not possible!!! LOL.

Good to see you Richard. You were away for awhile?

Thank you for sharing that, Ray. While I am living life in whatever mental state that I am in, my disease is at the gym 24hrs/day doing pushups, lifting weights and waiting for me to come to that blank mental spot..... Yesterday I was at the top of the world, chaired one meeting by noon and then chairing a brand new one at 5:30. Then, I woke up this morning feeling like drinking, or more specifically, putting a needle in my arm to kill the noise. I called my tdoc who is also in recovery and went in for a special session. We talked steps, and did a mini 4th and 5th in session. It is the little things, Ray, that are kicking my ***. I do know from experience that if I "out" my secrets and unhealthy thoughts I can then move ahead to doing the next right thing. The 12 steps have saved my *** and my life in many situations. You are doing GREAT, Ray!! You are way better than OK, you just don't know it. I am here for you and am so proud of you for seeing your truth. Many never see theirs.

Love ya,

Radar

Thanks......here's some more frustration.....saw my neurologist today and he gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant (he takes into consideration that i'm in recovery, I love him). Anyway, the pharmacy can't fill it so that my insurance will cover it until they get authorization from the doctor.....who wrote the prescription.....AARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Been there and done that recently as well. Insurance co.s suck! Is it for Lexapro?? Anyway, my doc always gives me samples for that reason. LOL

Radar

I think Lexapro was what it was, but the pharmacy has the script. How did you know that??

I know because Lexapro is fairly new and most insurance companies won't cover it without a dr. authorization because there are other less expensive AD's out there. I was on Lexapro during my last drug combo because I have tried all the others (don't work for me). Anyway, I am now on Lamictal and seroquel, keep your fingers crossed. I believe Lexapro is a really good one from what I have seen in the recovery community. Also I know 2 other folks with MS and it is working for them. I pray it is the one for you. If you believe it will work, it will. I just learned today that I have doubted my connection with my Higher Power because I am comparing it with everyone elses, wow, an aha moment for me. Recovery ROCKS, most of the time, don't it?? Love ya Ray.

Oh ok. Neuro said he prescribed it specifically since I'm in recovery. I didn't ask further. I trust him. His wife is a therapist who deals primarily with alcoholics, so he understands. I just want to get started and get lifted out of this hole.

Hope you get it sorted with the insurance soon and that the new med helps. it's interesting about honesty and "ratting yourself out" I go to a bunch of different meetings and my home group is really nice and has a lot of members with good solid sobriety but my favourite group is a group with a lot of members just out of rehab living in a local half way house because there is much more openness about cravings and feeling down - As a newcomer i need both - hearing the experience strength and hope of those with long time sobriety as well as the insanity of almost daily cravings.

Speaking of steps - I had an insight at a step 7 meeting the other night that one of my traights wich I had always thought of a as a strength is probably one of my biggest character defects & getting in the way of really doing step 3. Just shows that working the program really is an ongoing process.

---splitimage

Absolutely, I still need both. I need the newcomer meetings to remind of where I've been, and I need the oldtimers to show me how to get where I want to go.

As for a step 7 issue getting in the way of step 3....we work them in order for a reason. Focus on step 3 right now and don't worry about turning over charactor defects until you do 4 and 5 with a sponsor. That's one of the biggest hindrences....thinking about future steps. Just like you live one day at a time, focus on one step at a time. A good step 3 right now will help you a ton, I do a step 3 about 10 times a day!!!!

Ray, I check this site 3 or 4 times a week, but mostly I don’t post.

I don’t throw my two cents worth in as much as I used to. If someone posts and I feel I have something of value to offer, I respond, otherwise I just keep my mouth shut.

But I always read your stuff. You and your progress have been a joy to watch.

Richard

I've been enjoying watching splitimage grow. She's another inspiration. (((( splitimage ))))

"There was always my boyfriend, who would drag me kicking and screaming if I'd try to drink. . ."

I think the whole discomfort/wanting a drink is a "protest"? If you think of your post/experience as if it were a dream :-) and look at it, what do you see? If it were my dream, I'd say I either was more unhappy at the breakup and was "protesting" OR, that I didn't trust myself enough to not drink, felt I needed the "prop" of someone else/my boyfriend to "drag me kicking and screaming. . ." I'd either work on my feelings about the breakup, get more specific than "discomfort" (sadness, anger, depression, etc.) or I'd work on my self-esteem and see what I could do with trusting myself not to drink (and not having to leave an activity you previously enjoyed, which should be a "help" in order to do it)?

I would be worried I'd associate the pool playing which I enjoy and which should be a positive help to me with the drinking and not be able to "separate" them again. Your pool playing should never be associated with "bad"! Go out and buy yourself a new cue or window shop a store, etc. Do you know Harry Potter? Think of it like he does Quiddich and see how the Pool and relationships you have playing can "help" you with your problems and reinforce "good" things about you and your character.

Oh I am definetly not giving up pool lol. I did get a new cue for my birthday. I'm just working on myself right now so that I'm more comfortable when I do go. I'm doing a big inventory today actually, to talk all this out and get some feedback. I'm just not willing to put myself in a situation where I'm uncomfortable because it's not only a danger to my sobriety, but stress is bad for my MS. So there's a lot of things to consider. I LOVE your comparing my pool playing to Harry Potter and his quidditch, hehehehe!!!

I did my inventory yesterday with sponsor. How wondeful it was to get honest with her about whats going on!!! I'm feeling so much better.....aaaahhhhhh. When I arrived at her house, I sat on her couch in tears, and then when I left I was smiling again. She laughed when I told her I'm back on the "magic mountain" roller coaster instead of the "kiddy" rollercoaster, haha!

BTW......I have 22 months today. =)

Congrats on the 22 months, that's awesome! I'm glad you're feeling better too, don't you just love the feeling of relief :-) I'm glad you mentioned it; I really like that feeling but "forget" about how nice it is (or I'd do what I needed to sooner to get it?).

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I really like that feeling but "forget" about how nice it is (or I'd do what I needed to sooner to get it?).

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LOL! Exactly!!!!!!!! Hahahahahah!!!!!