[Smilie]

Raynaad and anyone. Can you really love him through it. The word "it" meaning alcoholism.And how are you certain that your loved one is an alcoholic?When that individual never lets this problem effect any of his responsibilities.
Cherbear

[Raynaadi]

Hi Smilie,

That is a really difficult situation. I just ended a relationship with someone I wasn't sure of. Being a recovering alcoholic myself, it was really hard to be with someone who drank. I'm not sure if he's alcoholic, but he's at least a heavy drinker....it didn't affect his work, but he never seemed to have quite enough money to keep him satisfied, and he got in the car when he was drunk. Our lifestyles were very different. I thought I could love him through it.....but there wasn't enough there to cope, and guard my own sobriety. It's a decision I finally came to after bouncing off ideas on my friends, and here on the boards. I can suggest that you check out Alanon...its support for people who love heavy drinkers/alcoholics. But in the end, it will be your decision as to whether you can love him through and keep your own happiness. I wish you luck!!!

~Rayna

i tried it for 13 years. ended up abused, broke and divorced.........

[Smilie]

First of all I am not a alcoholic. But i do occasionally drink. So his drinking is not a temptation to me. He never has drinking parties here and very seldom goes to a drinking party. He drinks when he goes to the bar when he plays in the band. He never drinks and drives. And we take turns to who is the designated driver. And he drinks mostly alone. I was with an alcoholic for over 16 years. "That was my ex husband.His drinking caused me to worry and he was mean when he drank.What can I say to help my boyfriend now to reflect to see if he has let alcohol control his life?
Cherbear

[Perna]

Cherbear, can you just have conversations with your boyfriend and tell him your concerns and discuss it? If alcohol doesn't affect one's life/relationships then it usually isn't a "problem." His drinking is bothering you though so you need to talk about that and see how you both can either decide he wants to drink less or you are better reassured or able to separate out your last relationship/boyfriend from this one.

[Raynaadi]

Yes I agree. If a conversation with him is possible, I would say its the next step, since it's causing a problem in your relationship. If he doesn't have a problem, he'll probably be very understanding.

[shadowalker164]

You, Cherbear, would do well to go to an Al Anon meeting. Find out what other people living with an active alcoholic or someone who simply drinks too much are doing right now to make their lives better.

There they will tell you it isn’t your fault, you didn’t do it to him, and furthermore, you can’t fix him! There is no magic wand of selflessness that you can wave over his head to make him want sobriety. Your tears, your encouragement, your anger, your prayers sadly, none of it will change his mind if he is one of us.

But if he isn’t. then maybe like my friend Raynaadi said, he will change his habits to please you. I hope so.

The question you might want to ask yourself is what are you going to do about yourself, your home and your peace of mind today? That is why I suggested Al Anon. Play it smart Cherbear, arm yourself with the facts.

Richard

[Smilie]

We have had that talk of drinking. I told him that I needed to have the drinking not to be a concern for me.Because I had already been with someone who drank and it was one of the big factors that destroyed my marriage. And I told my boyfriend that if his drinking stays a concern then this is far as our relationship goes. And then he asked me "then you don't want to marry me?And I said" I have always desired to marry you since early on in our relationship. It is just that I need the drinking not to be a concern. And It appears that my boyfriend has cut back on his drinking this past week.By having this conversation. Was I protecting myself?: by keeping our relationship in the reality ? I know I was respecting myself and being true to myself and respecting him.My counselor said I was taking our relationship to the next level. Do you have any ideas of what she meant by that?We ran out of time and I don't see her for two more weeks.

I thought this forum was a AA support group on line. I am to ill to drive to a support group and I don't forsee any improvement for the near future.So where do I go from here?
Smilie

[Raynaadi]

That's exactly what this board can be! This particular forum is for Substance and Alcohol Abuse, not *just* AA, but there are members of AA who post here, like myself. So feel free to post for support! You can also PM me anytime if you're not comfortable. I started putting a disclaimer on my posts when I talk of AA, just so there's no constirnation.

As far as your conversation with your boyfriend, GOOD for YOU!!!!! You set a boundary to protect yourself. You told him up front what you need to stay in the relationship. Now the ball is in his court. Now its time to think about what you'll do if he reverts back to the heavy drinking, what will you put up with? If he starts getting irritable not drinking so much, he may need some help. But hopefully you put a stopper on it before it began.

There's nothing wrong with telling the one we love that we're having a problem. I use the serenity prayer to help me with situations like this. Can I accept the things I cannot change? Do I have the courage to change the things I can? Do I know the difference? Those questions often help me when I'm unsure of something.

Definetly post here as often as you like, and like I said, PM me anytime!!!!!

[Smilie]

Yes I love the serenity prayer thanks.

Smilie

[Smilie]

Your second column is a polar opposite. It is refreshing but sad and intimidating at the same time. Thanks, for the God aw full truth.

Smilie

[Raynaadi]

What do you mean about his second column being a polar opposite? I'm interested.....what is the God awful truth?

[Smilie]

I have been to an unisex AA when I was married to my ex. And I went to one In the early years of me and my boyfriends relationship.I didn't enjoy the long ride to get there just to hear woman complain about their partners.I was looking for solutions. And my church has women and men divided. But I wanted to go to the mens side.I also have a chronic illness with chronic pain and driving fatigues me and is painful.So I was trying to find a group on line.I have the books and have read the books, Cold Turkey, and Codependent No More.I gave my boyfriend years ago before he moved in with me.
The book It Works How and Why. He returned it back to me years later after he moved in . He thought I had lent it to his mother after he saw it in his mom's house. I asked him if he read it and he said no. He didn't even remember me giving it to him. All though I sighed the book to him.Since then I have read the book to pg 125. I have covered all 12 steps.But that was this summer.Now working the 12 steps I would have to go back and see if I am practicing them or allowed them to become my life style.

Smilie

[Raynaadi]

Ooooh I hate the "problem" meetings too. I did some hunting to find the meetings I like, and I prefer solution meetings as well.