[mommaxo]

I start hitting the bottle hard at 15 years old. when the weekend came around I was black out drunk spending the night in jail, or the emergency room . I had a hard time dealing with my life. My bestfriend was sick with cancer. She had a brain tumour that was quickly spreading through out her whole body, and making her dealthy ill. I drank to deal with the pain. I remember the exact day I found out she had died. I was running away from home at the time, and when I went back home, my mother started screaming at me, and I just cried and said "emily died" my mother stopped screaming and said "oh my god I'm so sorry" I was numb for weeks. I couldn't feel anything. I was in complete shock. She was one of the few friends I had growing up.


Around the same time all that happened, I was sexually abused at a party. I was black out drunk in a basement naked, and someone i barely knew had his way with me. I was only 15, and he was in his early 20s. Him and his friend urinated on me after I had puked everywhere and was put in the tub, after I was raped. he made me the laughing stalk of the city. They made up rumours making me sound horrible, blamed me for what he did to me. Said i was asking for it, and I was all for it.

I was too humilated to even bother pressing charges at the time. I felt like no one would even believe me. and in a way I started believing I deserved it. I started drinking to the point I could barely even walk, or see. Guys took advantage of me. and I stopped caring about myself. and quickly started to destruct. I was out of control. I drank whatever I could get my hands on. This continued for a few years. I was barely ever sober unless I no choice to be (no money, friends weren't drinking, or I was in jail) I started picking getting drunk over my education, started dating men who were wrong for me, older than me, and drank even more than I did.

I eventually ended up running away to bigger city that was half way across the country at the age of 17. I had a warrant for my arrest, for breach of probation. I was gone for a year. and in that year I drank heavily. I barely ate, started smoking crack, and lost so much weight, my appreance completely changed. My step dad came to pick me up, to drive me back home so I could turn myself in, and get my warrant over with. He didn't even recognize me as I walked over to his car. when I sat in the front sea t all he did was cry. and then he asked me repeatedly If I was using heroin, and wouldn't believe me when I told him I have never done it.


I had to go to court for my breach. they sentenced me to 9 months open custody, and 3 months community supervision.
I ended up getting out earlier on good behaviour. I completely turned my life around when I was In open custody. I got a job, starting working out, I was still a heavy smoker, but quit the booze, but drank on a couple of occasions (when I knew I would get away with it) After I got out I was on house arrest. Literally the day I got off house arrest I went over to a friends house ( a girl I became close to in open custody) and drank whiskey, and did a deadly amount of coke, and had sex with her older brother. After that night, I started spiraling out of control again.

I eventually ended up with an ex who was a heavy drinker. quit my job, moved in with him, and started drinking pretty much every day. I was a crazy drunk.... just like my grandfather. One was never enough. I drank when I was angry, when I was sad, when I was happy, and it didnt matter what kind of mood I was in, If alcohol was there, I was drinking it. I would act completely irrational sometimes delusional when I was drinking. It didn't take much for me to snap out.

Alcohol has winded me up on streets, shelters, in jail, I have hurt the ones I have loved the most, and more importantly I have hurt myself.

I have slept with men I would never even be interested in speaking to sober. I have made so many stupid, violent, implusive choices in my life because of booze. Yet I kept going back to it, knowing all of this.

I have embrassed myself. Falling down the stairs at house parties intoxicated in front of crowds of people, making out with strangers at sleazly bars, trying to fight bouncers at a show for kicking me out for being too drunk, flashing my breasts on stage, and the list goes on and on and on.

I always thought well maybe just a few. but it was never just a couple of drinks. especially If I went to the bar. I would flirt with guys thinking I was interested just to milk them for free drinks, and dip as soon as I had the drink in my hand. I would hang out with people for the sole reason they had money to buy alcohol, or were providing alcohol.

I don't even want to know how much money I have had spent on alcohol myself. When I was staying in a shelter, and working. I literally blew all my money on alcoho, and smokes. I would get all dolled up, and go to the bar across the street for karoake night, and wind up leaving with a few guys numbers. I literally chose booze over housing. & I hated that shelter. I wanted nothing more to get out of there, and have a place to call home. Yet I had no problem blowing all my money on alcohol.

I seriously need help. I already started seeing a counsellor. but I think I should start going to Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings.
As much as I look back and realize all the damage alcohol has caused me, I still crave it. A part of me still wishes I was out tonight getitng wasted, and socializing. The worst part Is now I'm pregnant. So I feel an overwhelming sense of shame for even thinking about booze.

As much I hate admitting this at times, I drank knowing I was pregnant. I quit without any support. I used to binge a lot. I have literally put my baby at harms risk for a liquid effin substance. It's been really hard to stay sober. I try to think of my baby. At the time I was going through so much, it was mind of matter. I just hope my baby comes out healthy. I know there is nothing I can do know besides pray, and I know there's a risk for F.A.S.D but I will still love my child regardless.

It's been really hard not beating myself up over it. I honestly don't even know what i would do if my child came out with any health problems relating to my addictions, because I know I would be the only one to blame. I hate how ignorant some people are. They make it seem like I drank because I just didn't care about my baby, and I could have quit if i really wanted to. Like it's just a bad habit. It was an addiction, and I still battle with it every day of my life. Now childrens aid society is involved, because they know I drank in the beginning of my pregnancy. I was honest with them, and told them I did, but I have quit.
I am terrified of relasping again. I have literally isolated myself from almost everyone in fear that if I am around the wrong person, I will have a drink, and it will start alll over again.
I don't want my drinking to affect my baby, or my parenting once he/she is born.

I'm hoping the weekly appointment with my new counsellor who actually works in the buliding will help me gain the strength to remain sober.

[Altered Moment]

Classic Alcoholism. You might think the extremes you have experienced with alcohol are unique or unusual. They are not. I very much think you should go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonomous too. It got me and has kept me sober for many years. I too was a black out drinker and did many stupid things including lots of drugs.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Lemon Curd]

I agree.
AA meetings.
Make time a huge part of your life.
Go daily.
You are not a bad person.
You just need help.
You can make lots of understanding friends in AA.
You will need a good sponsor.
Make AA your new family.
You are more than worth it.
Your baby is worth it.
That's just me.
*big warm friendship hug*

[spondiferous]

Hi mommaxo.
First of all, thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot of guts to share. Especially when the things you're sharing don't make you look so good.
I think honestly that you are caring for your baby right now. And yourself. You have been through a lot in your life, probably seen things that most people can't even dream of. And you want to change but don't know how. That in itself can be the scariest thing of all. People make it sound so easy. "just get your **** together. What's your problem?"
I'm an alcoholic. I get it. It doesn't matter what you know with your head. It doesn't matter how much you want to change for those you love, for yourself, for the love and future of your child. Alcoholism is a disease. It warps and twists everything. People make the mistake of assuming that alcoholics choose to drink. But if you are an alcoholic there is no choice. If you are an alcoholic and haven't managed to recover, and you go through a dry period (not drinking) for whatever reason, it's only a matter of time because until an alcoholic can drink again they will not, can not, stop obsessing about it.
I think going to AA will be good for you. At the very least, it is somewhere healthy to go. Everyone there is trying to sober up, stay sober, or has achieved actual recovery and help you figure out how. And believe me when I say that no matter where you have been and what you have done, some of the stories in those rooms will shock the hell out of you. So don't let shame be something that holds you back from going.
I really wish you all the best. If I lived where you did I would gladly take you to a meeting. I began my recovery journey with AA and NA (Narcotics Anonymous), and thanks to the solid foundation I built in the rooms of these meetings, with the people at these meetings, and with the literature and steps they suggest, I have been sober over 8 years now. I'm not even kidding when I say that I am a completely different person now. I think back on my life and it just seems like a bad movie, a nightmare that happened to someone else. Of course I realize that picking up a drink will never not be an option as long as my arms and hands are working, so I still work to maintain my sobriety. And I will do everything in my power to make sure I always will.
Take good care. Please message me if you need to talk about anything. I will not judge you.