Alcohol

It has been a long time since I've posted here but I have no one else to turn to. Last Saturday, early morning, I was arrested with an OUI. Honestly I can't seem to figure out what the different between that is and a DUI. They didn't take away my license and I was able to get my car out of the impound but I find that I'm drinking to numb my emotions. Having bipolar and being unable to find a job even though I have a degree has been weighing down on me a lot. To be honest apparently everyone who I'm close to, my Aunt, boyfriend, everyone said I had be drinking a lot that day. Then at the close I got into a huge fight with the man I hope to one day marry. I drove about twenty miles because he wouldn't come to me and I was found one street over from his house passed out with no gas in the middle of the damn subdivision street. I don't remember much but I know I was put in jail for 12 hours. 12 hours of misery because the cell mate refused to share the bed with me. The cops barely came to see me and there was no clock so I had no idea what was going on. To this day I have no idea what happened or what made me drive there. I'm not stupid so I would've have done it without some type of reason, well some type of chemical reaction. An entire bottle of pills I take was gone and I don't know how that happened. They took my blood and I haven't heard anything yet. I'm quite sure I did the whole field sobriety thing but I don't remember when I blew. I've been told it's a positive that I was only put in there for 12 hours and that they didn't take my license. Then again my license wasn't on me. It was in my other purse at home. My grandma paid for the impound to get my car out but my boyfriend is supposed to slowly pay her back for it. That makes me feel like ***. I have the best guy a girl like me could want and he's been there for me for so long, three years at the end of the month and through everything I've done. Everything I've put him through he's stuck it out with me. I don't know if I'll go to jail or if I just get off with some community service and fee. A lot of lawyers I've talked to have said this. They've also said that I should ask for a court appointed lawyer. Considering I can't afford anything. I'm not allowed to drive my car until I have insurance put back on it. That was one of the stipulations that my grandma came up with. I accept that but right now I feel worse than I ever have. I got into a huge fight with my Aunt, a huge fight with my boyfriend and all of this happened while my son was asleep. I'm going to change but at the moment I don't know how. I'm putting myself back into therapy and I'm going to do a show of good faith and get myself into AA or something like that. But my depression is just terrible. Sure first time offense but it should've have happened to begin with. I can't talk to anyone but no one understands and I've put so much pressure on my boyfriend I don'[t know if he can handle it anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone but I don't know where to start. No drinking, I get that but I'm not used to feeling my pain. My emotional pain. How do I handle this? I don't know what to say or do and I don't know how to make things better. I'm going to do what I have to because I deserve it but how do I manage knowing I could lose my son?

Hello jme1234: I'm sorry you're experiencing such difficulty. I have had two major overdoses previously. And there are large gaps in my memory surrounding these events. So I have some idea of what that is like. I was glad to read that you are going to be seeing a therapist. From my perspective, I think this is very important so that you can begin to sort out your feelings about what has happened with you & how you feel about it. Also, I would presume, it will be helpful with regard to any legal difficulties you may be facing.

I think that one important point, in dealing with the situation you're in, is going to be to try not to think too much about the totality of it. It would be easy to become overwhelmed imagining all of the problems that could develop, for example, going to jail, losing your son, and-so-forth. It's important to just take it one positive step at a time. As the saying goes, the longest trip begins with a single step. Also, try not to beat yourself up over what has happened. This would also be easy to do. What is done, is done. And finally, try to accept whatever comes up along the way... with compassion (as it says in my Signature quote below.) I practice a technique that involves allowing thoughts & feelings to arise as they will, smiling to them, breathing into them, & allowing them to fade away at their own pace. Sometimes I will place my hand over my heart as a sign of my lovingkindness & compassion for whatever thoughts arise... good or bad. This can be difficult if the emotions are strong. But it can work. It does work for me.

I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find that center of deep peace that resides within each of us...

Hi jme...I just recently was on a alcohol flavored stint that has gotten more than totally out of control. We were drinking a box of wine a night. I found the alcohol negating my meds and pushing me hypomanic which made me drink more and more to blackout.

I just recently got off drink and now am like the bipolar is settling down. Drinking on meds is not a good thing for me and the others, let alone just on bipolar.

Things will get better if you can beat the drink. It usually takes me to get over the 3 day hump before it gets easier.

There's a better way to live, and it's not drunk. Good luck!

Wow. I'd say you should take this as a huge wake up call. I don't know the law where you are but in MI, a OUI is a really serious problem and you would need a good lawyer for sure. You should deff start with AA and therapy and maybe the courts will take that into consideration and go easy on you. And really pray no one calls child services. As far as your bf goes, I totally get it. When me and my bf got together, I was drinking all day everyday and would pull stupid **** all the time. I got wasted and took a bunch of pills and ended up in IP. He stood by me. There were countless times my family had to call him at work because they couldn't control me. When I finally got sober back in May, I cried and apologized my *** off. I still say sorry to this day when it comes up. I never got a DUI though but I drove drunk on a daily basis. How I got away with it, I don't know. I just say I'm damn lucky.

Now comes coping with sobriety. I still struggle to this day. I ended up taking my meds normally again but I don't currently see a tdoc (I know, huge no no). To be honest I became a hermit for a few months because I didn't know how to deal. I got sober after I lost my job so I'd sit in bed all day everyday in my own pitty party. I didn't clean and barely took care of myself. I just recently got out of my depression with the right med cocktail. So all I can say is it takes time. But you really learn a lot about yourself and your emotions. You find out your triggers and healthy ways to cope. So please stick with therapy to find out your reasons to turn to alcohol. If you find you have a MI (or if you already do) then get on meds to help.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN