[Christine329]

Ok so basically I joined PC for a majority of issues. Alcohol being one of them. I am not sober. I drink every night. I enjoy it though. Is that normal? I know its not good for me. I have a medical condition where drinking is not helping but I can't stop. Im afraid to stop. The other day, I looked in my freezer and saw that my whiskey bottle was not full enough to get me through the night and I literally panicked and had to make my husband late for work so that I can take a ride to the liquor store. It has taken me a while to realize I have a problem with alcohol but my fear of not feeling the escape I feel when Im drunk over powers the need to get sober. I used to tell my husband, sure I can only have one drink but I proved to him and myself that its not true. I can't only have one drink. I drink shot after shot of whiskey until I feel nothing. I look forward to the feeling alcohol gives me. Am I in serious trouble? What do I do? Im here for support and advice and Im ready and willing to listen. I have to get this under control but Im so scared I wont be able to do it. Please.... anyone???

[Raynaadi]

I'll tell you a little bit of my story, and you can see if there are any similarities.

I didn't start drinking until I was 21, not heavily at least. As soon as it was legal though, I was off and running. It started off social drinking, but I'd always get wasted when I social drank, though not every night. Then I had to have some wine to sleep, then before I knew it, I had to have a fridge stocked with beer. That was my poison. Or anything else with alcohol in the name on the bottle.

I never felt like I belonged. I always felt like people pretended to like me, never felt like I fit in. Never felt like I could cope with anything unless I was drunk.

In the end, I isolated. I drank at home because it was cheaper. I had my computer in my bedroom, and I moved my big tv in the bedroom and thats where I lived. I worked at the time, and I'd come home from work, grab 2 beers and jump on the internet. I eventually just filled a little cooler with beers to bring into the bedroom. I'd come here, to PC, and get drunk while chatting in the chatroom.

I'd limit it to 6 or 7 during the work week, wake up with shaking hands and go to work to draw people's blood....bad. On the weekends I can't even tell you how much I drank. I always waited until noon....for some reason I couldn't drink before noon or I was alcoholic. A beer was the only thing that would make me feel better. Towards the end, I'd stare at that bottle, the first beer of the day and dread it.....but eventually I'd drink it.

I used to think the next turn of the road would be my death. I knew I was dying. I thought for sure a semi truck was going to run into me. I used to say goodbye to my boyfriend in the mornings and cry, because I was sure I'd die that day.

Basically, I hated myself. I hated my life. I alienated friends and lost a relationship because of my drinking. The only one who stood by me was a girlfriend, who would bribe me to go out to karaoke with her if she bought me alcohol.

I never lost anything. I never lost a husband (well I did but that was my choice lol.) Never lost cars or homes or children. But I never had any of those things to loose. I lost my dignity. I ended up having an affair with a married man, who was my best friend's brother-in-law.

One night over drinks with him, out of no where I said, "Ya know, we should quit drinking and go to AA." He said we'd talk about it in the morning and we continued to drink. We woke up the next day, hungover as hell and he asked if I still wanted to go to a meeting. I thought sure, those AA people will teach me how to drink normally, they'll teach me how to drink socially again. We looked up meetings online and went to one at 1pm that day. He had been before, trying to get sober because his family told him he should. I had been years before I ever started drinking, so support some friends. But I didn't know what to expect.....within the first 5 minutes of the meeting, I realized I was alcoholic and that these people understood me. We went to 2 more meetings that day.

He stayed sober until we got our 30 days, then he drank again. He's been drinking ever since. I've stayed. I've been sober over 2 years now. It was hard in the beginning.....I learned how to change routines, how to find other things I liked to fill the void that alcohol had left. I always kept chocolate soy milk in my fridge.....lol don't ask my why, but it worked. I got tons of phone numbers for other women who were sober, some new like me, some with time. I called these women and hung out with other sober people. I went to a meeting every day, I did what they suggested because they were so happy, and sober!

Since getting sober, my life has been frought with hardship, but I've gotten through all of it without picking up a drink. I've gotten through all of it happy....happy......I can say I'm happy.......and freakin mean it. For the first time in my life I'm truly happy.

I used to never think I'd see the age of 30. I always knew I would die young. I got sober at 26. Now I'm 28, and I'm sooo gonna see 30!!! I can't wait to turn 30.....

Life today is incredible. I learned a new way of living so that I wouldn't have to escape to the bottle. Really all it is learning that I can't change anything around me. I can only change myself. Anytime I'm upset, I look at me and if I'm not the problem, there is no solution.

It's so simple lol. Change my attitutude and I'll stay happy. Wow. Instead of trying to change everything else.

So there's a snippet of my story. I can only share my own experience, and thats how it happened for me. It is quite possible to sober up and be happy. I'm living proof.

[tranquility]

I agree with everything Rayna said - it was a great post!

I also did not lose everything. I still had a roof over my head, a car, and a job. I did have to claim bankrupcy which was not too great. I also was not a party animal in the bars. I did all my drinking at home.

I would come home from work and immediately go to the kitchen. I would pour two shots of absolute and two shots of kahluha over ice. I would drink about 8 of these a night until I knew I wouldn't be able to get up the stairs if I had one more. I'd crawl up and fall into bed. By the end of my drinking I was waking up with the shakes.

AA has saved my life as well. I am sober a little over 3 years and I have alot of growing to do, but I have hope which I didn't have before.

Do you have a problem? You're the only one that can answer that. Alot of old timers in AA say "Can you go in a bar, drink half a drink and then put the glass down and leave?" Most alcoholics can't do that. I think alot of people get hung up on the term alcoholic. I know I couldn't admit it right away.

The day I admitted I was an alcoholic was after I heard a girl share her story. She drove drunk and killed her friend and a stranger in the car driving opposite her. She was in a coma for a month, lost a leg, spleen, and shattered her pelvis. She did 3 years in prison. I had absolutely NOTHING in common with her, but after hearing her story I realized that it would be me telling that story if I didn't stop.

Tranquility

[sabby]

((((((((((((Christine))))))))))))

Two wonderful posts from two wonderful people!

My thought is this, if you are asking if you have a problem, I think you already know the answer to that question. Keep talking, keep asking questions, keep an open mind. Reach out when you need support, people will be there for you. No one will judge you, or yell at you, or think less of you.

You have the strength in you to make personal changes. You proved it by posting here and by being in chat tonight. Your strength has shown through. Even though I am not an alcoholic, I have been surrounded by it for all my life. I know that when you choose life over alcohol, your whole world changes, for the good! Your mind becomes clearer, your thoughts are not so fractured, you regain your determination to succeed, you begin to feel again and deal again with what life throws at you, good or bad.

I send you good thoughts, strength, patience and peace. Take good care of YOU!

Hugsssss
J

[Raynaadi]

Oh one thing I forgot.....Tranquility made me remember. The "yets" kept me sober in the beginning. All those things that hadn't happened YET.

You're
Eligable
Too

if you are questioning your behavior......you've got a major problem. people generally have to get in pretty deep before they start asking questions such as yours. good luck, pat

[DePressMe]

I too use to look forward to the feeling alcohol would give me. Like you, I would drink and drink and yet it seemed like it did not work—at some point, I lost the positive feeling alcohol use to give me. It stopped working as an escape—it no longer helped me deal with my problems. Then, soon, alcohol became the root of my problems.

I would sit night after night drinking scotch. I was so terribly depressed, about to lose my job. I just did not think I could ever quit drinking. One night, when I was severely depressed, I had a glimpse of hope—a thought that maybe there was more to life. Although I was completely miserable and suicidal, some small piece inside of me had the thought that maybe things could get better if I stopped drinking. At that moment I became willing to do what it took to get and stay sober. It was either quit drinking or die and I did not want to die. I did not know if I really could make it sober, but I became willing to try it.

And, hey, it was tough the first several months. My entire life had to change. It felt like somebody turned my world upside down. For me, when I quit, my depression stayed around and even got a bit worse for a little while. However, it did get better. Matter of fact, it has gotten better than it ever has. I can finally say that today, I am depression free (with the help of meds). It has taken awhile to get here, but the battle has been worth it. I love my sobriety and I love life. Sure, I have everyday struggles, but now I can deal with them.

I hope I stay sober forever because I never want to go back to that he**. I feel for you and I feel for where you are at—it’s a difficult place to be. I hope you can get sober—I hope you see that things can get better. PM me if you ever want to talk—I check my mail several times a day.