[Refuse2Sink]

Yesterday, I received news that my daughter's father was sentenced to 25 years in prison, parole after ten years. My daughter's dad was arrested August 2015 for manufacturing/distribution of Methamphetamine mainly, along with a slew of other charges. Due to his past criminal history and the multitude of his current charges, the judge just threw the book at him, I guess. I was in shock to say the least. I assumed that he would do some time but I never, ever expected it to be 25 years!

I met my daughter's dad, Josh, three years ago after splitting up with my then-fiance. I was strung out on Oxy & Benzos, looking for anyone to fill the void. I never planned on having a child with him so I didn't really care about his past or what he was doing in his life...and who the hell was I to judge anyone?? After 6 months of a tumultuous relationship, I found out I was pregnant. I was a suicidal junkie having a child with a sociopathic dope user/dealer. It was a damn sad shame. He left when I was four months pregnant, at which time I was desperately trying to get my life together for my unborn child.

Fast Forward to the present; I am on the road to building a better life for my daughter, going on a year clean (minus one slip). So here's the thing, I am very sad about my daughter's dad going to prison...not b/c I want him. Honestly, I wouldn't want him to be in her life the way he was before going to jail. I don't know how to feel about it. Its like reality finally hit me that he will never be there for her, and its my fault for being so ****ed up that I couldn't choose a better man to procreate with. I am seriously considering not having any further communication with him. He doesn't call except when he wants something, he is clearly a sociopath. If his nonchalant attitude about parenting was completely due to drug use, wouldn't he have regrets now that he is clean? Do I keep my daughter from her father? I always said I would never be that girl, keeping my kid from her dad.

Any advice on this UNREAL situation would be much appreciated. I am struggling to process these emotions right now. I have no one to talk to about this. My parents are biased and just want to **** talk her father. I am such a softie that I always make a billion excuses to give him the benefit of the doubt about everything. I really need some unbiased opinions on this fiasco.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Refuse2Sink: The Skeezyks celebrates your determination to "rise from the ashes", so to speak, & to build a better life for your daughter! I would have to be honest & say that I don't really know much about this sort of thing. I would think that perhaps establishing a relationship with a family therapist might be the best way to figure out what is best for your daughter in this. I would presume there are also going to be some legal complications here. On the one hand, he is her biological father. But on the other he's going to be in prison for a long time. Along the way you may need to seek some legal advice with regard to what the father's legal rights are & what your options are to protect your daughter.

Off the top of my head, as they say, what occurs to me here is that your daughter is still very young at this point. So it's presumably going to be a few years before she will begin to ask a lot about her father(?). Whenever she does, my inclination would be to answer her questions honestly but without adding any more detail than is necessary, if that makes sense. Be objective but don't embellish your answers. Just be matter-of-fact in your replies. Don't take her to see him if you aren't legally compelled to. (From what you wrote, it doesn't sound as though he's going to care... but you never know...)

Over the years, as your daughter grows up, let her decide for herself if-&-when she wants to correspond with him or visit him. If at some point she wants to do one or both, allow it to happen. If she doesn't don't encourage it. You don't want to put yourself in the position of keeping your daughter from her dad. But, from my perspective, there's also nothing to be gained by intentionally working to create a relationship that your daughter may not want & that may not be healthy for her. I send you both my best wishes...

Hi sweetie, I have read your posts and you are SO strong, including being a committed mom.

That sucks that the father of your child is sentenced for so long - and it is a long time - but it isn't forever. I'd recommend that you keep on doing as you are, staying clean, loving yourself and your child. Having one solid loving parent is more than I had. I had two broken ones, one very abusive and one an active addict where I just had no place in his life. I'd have taken one good parent in a heartbeat.

Just keep on, one day at a time. It is ok and will continue to be ok. xo

PS: Give it time, your child is young, and you can later decide about his role in your child's life. That does not need to be decided right now!

[Moogieotter]

I just very much admire your focus on staying clean and getting support. Prison might mature him after a few years. I would just keep seeking the positive.

moogs

[Refuse2Sink]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Refuse2Sink: The Skeezyks celebrates your determination to "rise from the ashes", so to speak, & to build a better life for your daughter! I would have to be honest & say that I don't really know much about this sort of thing. I would think that perhaps establishing a relationship with a family therapist might be the best way to figure out what is best for your daughter in this. I would presume there are also going to be some legal complications here. On the one hand, he is her biological father. But on the other he's going to be in prison for a long time. Along the way you may need to seek some legal advice with regard to what the father's legal rights are & what your options are to protect your daughter.

Off the top of my head, as they say, what occurs to me here is that your daughter is still very young at this point. So it's presumably going to be a few years before she will begin to ask a lot about her father(?). Whenever she does, my inclination would be to answer her questions honestly but without adding any more detail than is necessary, if that makes sense. Be objective but don't embellish your answers. Just be matter-of-fact in your replies. Don't take her to see him if you aren't legally compelled to. (From what you wrote, it doesn't sound as though he's going to care... but you never know...)

Over the years, as your daughter grows up, let her decide for herself if-&-when she wants to correspond with him or visit him. If at some point she wants to do one or both, allow it to happen. If she doesn't don't encourage it. You don't want to put yourself in the position of keeping your daughter from her dad. But, from my perspective, there's also nothing to be gained by intentionally working to create a relationship that your daughter may not want & that may not be healthy for her. I send you both my best wishes...

Thank you so much for the compliment about "rising above the ashes"... I have tried very hard this year to be a better person. I had to learn to be selfless whilst actually learning how to care about myself again. Drugs really took all of my self respect and self esteem away. That's one thing that has really been hard throughout all of this; I really was so jaded due to addiction that I had zero qualms about dating a smooth talking felon and getting pregnant.

Of course, I do not regret any of those decisions because I have my amazing daughter, who ultimately gave me a reason to live. I just feel like even though that is true, it wasn't her job to come into this world to save me. Therefore, she also did not ask for a ****ed up father. That is where my guilt comes in.

I agree that I need to seek therapy for this. I am definitely NOT going to lie to my daughter in the future about her father's situation. My parents said that I should lie to her. I refuse to do so. My parents have always given me some pretty ****** advice, so I am going to trust my better judgement about approaching these touchy subjects with my daughter. I think that therapy would really help me with this and I appreciate your advice about seeking help! I had actually not thought extensively about getting family therapy.

[Refuse2Sink]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

Hi sweetie, I have read your posts and you are SO strong, including being a committed mom.

That sucks that the father of your child is sentenced for so long - and it is a long time - but it isn't forever. I'd recommend that you keep on doing as you are, staying clean, loving yourself and your child. Having one solid loving parent is more than I had. I had two broken ones, one very abusive and one an active addict where I just had no place in his life. I'd have taken one good parent in a heartbeat.

Just keep on, one day at a time. It is ok and will continue to be ok. xo

PS: Give it time, your child is young, and you can later decide about his role in your child's life. That does not need to be decided right now!

Awww, THANK YOU so much for your kind words. I am really trying to be the best mom that I possibly can. I totally understand what you are saying about having one good parent over none. My father is an addict (somewhat sober now but as a child, it was absolute insanity in my life) and my mother was completely lost, trying to find a man or whatever to make herself feel complete. All the while, no one is paying a damn bit of attention to me basically having a nervous breakdown at 9 years old due to the stress of my father's addiction. So even though my parents "loved" me, neither one of them did much as far as raising me.

I have had to come to terms with all of this over the last year. At the age of 19, I discovered xanax. This was basically the answer to all of my prayers after dealing with my Dad being sent to prison because he robbed a bank...on my 18th birthday...and we come from a small town where it was THE topic of conversation in 2003. Yeah, I know, it sounds crazy, but I CAN'T make this ***** up! Lol. Xanax, Cocaine, Ecstasy, and Oxy dominated the next ten years of my life. The only way that I was ever going to recover, was to face these demons that have haunted me since childhood. In doing so, I came to terms with a lot of things that I DO NOT agree with when it comes to how my parents dealt with everything when I was a kid. I don't want to criticize them now, but I have to be aware of the bad parenting in order to be a good parent.

Being the child of an addict and then becoming an addict happens, but trying to recover and prevent the vicious cycle from repeating itself is my main concern.

[Refuse2Sink]

Originally Posted by Moogieotter

I just very much admire your focus on staying clean and getting support. Prison might mature him after a few years. I would just keep seeking the positive.

moogs

Thank you for your admiration. That makes me feel good I certainly hope that her Dad will have an eye-opening experience in prison. The only thing is, I that this isn't his first rodeo with prison. However, he hasn't done this much time before. I just don't know how to feel. I am motivated to be a better person because I am all that my girl has now. It's also scary and overwhelming at times. As a recovering addict, I have to work really hard not to get to overwhelmed because that causes stress, and we all no how I have dealt with stress in the past. lol. I do think that therapy would help and I am planning on setting up an appointment soon. For the time being, I am so appreciative for this site. It has helped me TREMENDOUSLY over the past year.

Wow this is a rough one for you and your child....It is possible that this is a better outcome than doing something horrible on the outside though.
All you can really do is focus on you and your child. Of course you will be honest about where he is when you have to be and that is where a therapist should guide you is on what to disclose and how. The number one focus is you and your sobriety and giving a great life to yourself and your child. I know for me, once I had children I felt that meant the decision was no longer there to use....I simply could not. It isn't the same for everyone but the fact that you are so dedicated is great and a year clean is fabulous. Congrats

[Refuse2Sink]

Originally Posted by April72

Wow this is a rough one for you and your child....It is possible that this is a better outcome than doing something horrible on the outside though.
All you can really do is focus on you and your child. Of course you will be honest about where he is when you have to be and that is where a therapist should guide you is on what to disclose and how. The number one focus is you and your sobriety and giving a great life to yourself and your child. I know for me, once I had children I felt that meant the decision was no longer there to use....I simply could not. It isn't the same for everyone but the fact that you are so dedicated is great and a year clean is fabulous. Congrats

Right, that is how I felt also. I have never been so terrified when I realized that I could note keep using whilst trying to be a good mom. It was one or the other. I had to choose my daughter. Thank you for the congratulations. I hope that I will have the common sense and the insight on how to deal with these situations as time and therapy goes on...I will be honest with her always. I appreciate the great advice and the awesome congrats from everyone on here. I truly love this forum so much.

[Refuse2Sink]

Originally Posted by Jamie514

Hi there, you've taken the right decision to build a better life for your daughter. Don't feel sad about her father just focus on the determination you've selected for your daughter.

Thank you for the good advice. I try to tell myself not to worry about her father, and not to be sad. He definitely isn't worried or sad about us. Its hard to be an empath. I always feel more for others than they do about me.