I can spiral out of control very fast

I'm trying VERY hard to be upbeat....its Christmas.
I hosted a holiday party last night...and it was VERY FUN! And now here goes the spiral.
- my family refused to come or barely speak to me (with the exception of my youngest-sent a text, that I appreciated very much) all of them within a 5 min radius
- mother
- father
2 sons (27 & 30).

Mental illness...addictions....and my behaviors have caused all this.
But, that said, I would be the first one there...give anything I had if anything went on with ANY of them.

I literally texted my mother this a week ago and I still feel justified for typing it.
"Hey Ma, F - YOU....and probably a sentence about whatever we were arguing about...but its the "Hey Ma, F-YOU" that stands out to me...and what stands out MORE is I don't CARE.

I only care that it is hurting my father.

Anyway, I went to a church for dinner today with my mother in law....I keep RIGHT UP FRONT how FORTUNATE I AM.

I keep reminding myself that I am good, smart, funny, caring, willing and able...its a JOB to do this all day.

I can't wait till the stores open tomorrow so I can go buy something to feel better (my Borderline Personality I guess). BUT, whatever works to get me or you thru this holiday...

I almost t thought of not reading here tonight because it can be depressing..but here I am...I torture myself....lol....BUT, I was good to myself today.

oh! - What this had to do with Addiction?

Its killed a lot of brain cells #1..and #2..its killed ALL of my relationships..and not just my alcohol.

Me - Alcoholic
My oldest - Herion problem
My 2 sisters - Alcoholic
My B/F - Crack/Cocaine problem
Nehphew (his) = jail

And STILL crazy thoughts can make me think I can have a beer or I DESERVE one...waa..waa..its Christmas...I did that once today already when the 3 Coronas stared me in the face from last night...and I am the one that told everyone alcohol wouldn't bother ME...well, it didn't last night.

AND..the Corona is not bothering me anymore...BUT, it did for 5 minutes...and THAT IS ALL IT FRIGIN TAKES.