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  #251  
Old Nov 15, 2017, 10:16 PM
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Desoxyn Desoxyn is offline
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I can't do this.

I'm either not sober or I'm dead or I'm not sober then dead.

I have no choice.
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emgreen

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  #252  
Old Nov 15, 2017, 10:24 PM
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Desoxyn Desoxyn is offline
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I'm feeling better after saying that idk I'm broken and messed up in the head.
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bizi, emgreen
  #253  
Old Nov 15, 2017, 10:27 PM
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Sounds like you're in a rough spot, Desoxyn. Is depression kicking your arse? I've been there many times, but I can't use or drink with any degree of respect. Please don't give up on quitting yet. It really is possible to remain alive & stay clean. If the space you're in is bad, try posting to get some release. We've got your back. I think most of us understand...
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bizi
Thanks for this!
Desoxyn
  #254  
Old Nov 15, 2017, 10:30 PM
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Desoxyn Desoxyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emgreen View Post
Sounds like you're in a rough spot, Desoxyn. Is depression kicking your arse? I've been there many times, but I can't use or drink with any degree of respect. Please don't give up on quitting yet. It really is possible to remain alive & stay clean. If the space you're in is bad, try posting to get some release. We've got your back. I think most of us understand...
Thank you. I feel like crying.

But I'll post more about what I.. what we are all dealing with when I'm ready...
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bizi
  #255  
Old Nov 15, 2017, 11:03 PM
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Can't wait to hear from you again, Desoxyn. I hope you have more to share; we learn from each other. Hang tough & keep your eye on the ball.
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bizi
  #256  
Old Nov 16, 2017, 06:29 AM
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splitimage splitimage is offline
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Desoxzyn,

I'm really sorry that you are struggling. Please keep posting, I find it helps to get it out of my head. You've worked so hard to get sober you can be proud of that.

I know it's not easy, and sometimes being clean/sober sucks, but long term it is so much better.

splitimage
__________________


"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

Daily addictions check in #[two]
Hugs from:
bizi
Thanks for this!
Desoxyn
  #257  
Old Nov 16, 2017, 05:33 PM
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Toomixedup Toomixedup is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emgreen View Post
I'm glad you've been able to stick to a few. Do your binges ever bring problems of any kind? Just wondering.
Not too often. I make to work when I’m scheduled, although sometimes I’m wicked hungover, sometimes I don’t trust myself to wake up, so I don’t sleep, I’ve passed out in the shower and then driven to work to sleep in the parking lot until I due to work. I’ve had a bad time of it with getting sick and falling over myself in front of the kids, but I don’t think they remember it(too young). I havent had any legal trouble, or that end of things. I’ve done a pretty good job in leaving some nasty cuts on myself when I get to drinking too much, but that’s not for this thread... I’ve got problems, just of my own making mostly
  #258  
Old Nov 16, 2017, 11:03 PM
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greentires4me greentires4me is offline
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I drank a pop today and well now I have foot cramp 101 from hell it was my own doing hopefully it won't go on into the night I don't want to be in agony all night long! Anyway this 16hours since I been awake but that pop is driving this poor tired body of mine!

Hope emgreen that your not in too much pain & the surgery went well!

I learned not to walk all the way across town and back then walk to the bus stop then from the bus stop to my doctors office then from the doctors office to the bus stop then off the bus across a block home it's a killer on the feet and lungs.
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  #259  
Old Nov 16, 2017, 11:48 PM
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emgreen, how are you hanging in there?
bizi
__________________
lamictal 2x a day
haldol 2x a day
cogentin 2x a day
klonipin , 1mg at night,
fish oil coq10
multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine
Remeron at night,
zyprexa,
requip2-4mg





  #260  
Old Nov 17, 2017, 05:34 AM
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Thanks for remembering my surgery, greentire & bizi. I'm writing this with one hand, so this is gonna be short. Thanks!

Toomixedup, I haven't forgotten your post. I think your're on to some important realizations there. I'll write more in a few days when I'm freeling better. Good luck out there!
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bizi
Thanks for this!
bizi
  #261  
Old Nov 17, 2017, 07:32 AM
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splitimage splitimage is offline
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Emgreen,
Wishing you a speedy recovery and manageable pain levels.
splitimages
__________________


"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

Daily addictions check in #[two]
Thanks for this!
emgreen
  #262  
Old Nov 17, 2017, 08:42 AM
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UpDownAround UpDownAround is offline
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emgreen, Good to hear it's done. I hope it went well. Take care.
__________________
|
|
Up and down
|And in the end it's only round and round
|
Pink Floyd - Us and Them
|
|bipolar II, substance use disorder, ADD
|lamictal, straterra
|
Thanks for this!
emgreen
  #263  
Old Nov 17, 2017, 11:46 PM
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Desoxyn Desoxyn is offline
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Took some ecstasy but not enough for it to have an effect. I flushed the rest.

I realize drugs wont fix my problems and the more this happens, the more it really starts to sink in.

I just want to feel content. Not happy. I know that's a weird thing to say but not for me. I'm ok with my depression. Just not when it's so bad and I get stressed out when people push me to do things that I can't do like working full time at the moment when I'm not well.

But I'm going to work tomorrow and my dad is coming to visit from Argentina and we don't get to see each other often so it's important that we spend time together.

I don't want to die. I just want to live in any way I can. But sometimes I get down on myself when I don't feel content.

I will plan on steps to make myself more content. I said that the ecstasy would give me motivation to meditate but I'm going to go ahead and start it anyways without it.

Mind you, I did pretty much all types of drugs and I'm surprised that it's not that bad in a relapse.. only ecstasy.. like I could have picked meth or heroin or coke or what ever but they don't bring me any content. Just pain.
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  #264  
Old Nov 17, 2017, 11:59 PM
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I am sorry for your pain...
PLEASE DON'T flush meds down the drain!!!!!!!!!
bizi
__________________
lamictal 2x a day
haldol 2x a day
cogentin 2x a day
klonipin , 1mg at night,
fish oil coq10
multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine
Remeron at night,
zyprexa,
requip2-4mg





Thanks for this!
greentires4me
  #265  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 12:01 AM
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Desoxyn Desoxyn is offline
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The thing is, when I bought meth coke heroin mdma weed and xanax at the same time once and was doing them at the same time, I felt extremely guilty.

I have a lot of empathy and feel guilt. I flushed everything that time and felt so much better. Idk if it was because of the ecstasy, but I cried legit 250 times in 6 days and was having very severe drug induced bipolar episodes.

Before that I remember doing an extremely potent fentanyl like opiate and crying to my mom saying that I don't want to die and told her where all my drugs were.

Before that they found 10 different drugs in a pouch in my pocket and I was crying on shrooms but I was too happy to feel guilty idk

This time I thought, if I throw away the ecstasy, I wont feel so guilty not for everyone else, but for myself so I feel better now that it's gone..

I've just felt so numb after my parents split up and I was so innocent. My mom would kick me out of the house and lock the door to mind my sister because she couldn't stand us because my dad was always gone and she wanted to divorce him and I got so angry.

Then my abusive step dad came into the picture and basically ruined my life for a long time.
  #266  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 12:04 AM
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Desoxyn Desoxyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bizi View Post
I am sorry for your pain...
PLEASE DON'T flush meds down the drain!!!!!!!!!
bizi
Everything I flush goes into a septic tank. Any animal life wouldn't get any of the dose - less than medications that are excreted into the toilet through metabolism.

But I'm not flushing anymore drugs. I'm trying to get better.
  #267  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 07:11 AM
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greentires4me greentires4me is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Desoxyn View Post
Everything I flush goes into a septic tank. Any animal life wouldn't get any of the dose - less than medications that are excreted into the toilet through metabolism.

But I'm not flushing anymore drugs. I'm trying to get better.


Still it's hard on the septic tank to flush things like that down it and usually means it needs to be pumped out earlier in the year then once a year depending on the tank and how much it holds and the run off exit.

I know my mom live on a septic tank the bacteria in the tank have a hard time breaking it down and well I would get in trouble and have to pay for the $250 of the pump job. It was never fun that coming off my pay check!
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  #268  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 07:53 AM
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splitimage splitimage is offline
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Desoxyn,

I'm glad your relapse was short lived, and you were able to get rid of the drugs. That shows how much you want to be well.

I get what you mean when you say you just want to be content. I kind of feel the same way. I've mostly given up on happy and will settle for not depressed.

Are you being treated for your depression? Or is it all drug induced and staying clean the solution.

I'm sorry you had such an unhappy childhood. No one deserves that, but I'm glad you're going to get to see your Dad.

You're kicking a pretty heavy duty poly drug addiction, so I wouldn't expect things to go totally smoothly, but you can do it.

I'm cheering for you.

splitimage
__________________


"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

Daily addictions check in #[two]
Thanks for this!
Desoxyn
  #269  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 09:40 AM
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emgreen emgreen is offline
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Sorry, Desoxyn...Still sore from shoulder surgery, so this will be short. I'm so glad you've taken the steps toward getting clean! It does my heart good to experiencing someone else's victories over substances. Thanks for letting us share in your victories!
Thanks for this!
Desoxyn
  #270  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 10:08 AM
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UpDownAround UpDownAround is offline
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Desoxyn, it sounds like you are turning to corner toward recovery. Nice!
__________________
|
|
Up and down
|And in the end it's only round and round
|
Pink Floyd - Us and Them
|
|bipolar II, substance use disorder, ADD
|lamictal, straterra
|
Thanks for this!
Desoxyn
  #271  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 10:19 AM
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Desoxyn Desoxyn is offline
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Thanks everyone

Quote:
Originally Posted by splitimage View Post
Are you being treated for your depression? Or is it all drug induced and staying clean the solution.
No it's not drug induced. I am being treated for it by taking Wellbutrin but it doesn't seem to do anything. I used to take 4x 20mg Prozacs in the morning for 3 years but I stopped taking it.

I might need to go back on Prozac.
  #272  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 03:31 PM
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splitimage splitimage is offline
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Might be worth talking with your Dr. about the Prozac. I know for me, that it's a lot easier to stay sober, when my depression is under control.

splitimage
__________________


"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

Daily addictions check in #[two]
  #273  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 03:45 PM
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UpDownAround UpDownAround is offline
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Depression and drinking/using were hand and glove for me. Prozac gave me irritable hypomania, which wasn't any better than depression, but for monopolar depression it seems to be the top choice. Why did they change it if it was working (or was it)?
__________________
|
|
Up and down
|And in the end it's only round and round
|
Pink Floyd - Us and Them
|
|bipolar II, substance use disorder, ADD
|lamictal, straterra
|
  #274  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 08:55 PM
JessLynn JessLynn is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2015
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Hi guys. I haven't been able to post in a couple days, my phone has been broken and I have just been down in the trenches so to speak. Sleeping and crying :/

I moved out of my girlfriends house this week. We weren't sure if we were breaking up or what... I told her the using was getting way too much and needed to stop if we could move forward. She told me she would stop using... I really hope she meant it. So far she has stuck to it.
Thanks for this!
childofchaos831
  #275  
Old Nov 18, 2017, 09:02 PM
JessLynn JessLynn is offline
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On the other hand, I am 5 days clean. I hate this coming down business. Sleep eat cry sleep eat cry sleep eat. I am going to have to start a fast tomorrow or I will be gaining weight soon :/
Thanks for this!
childofchaos831
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