[Desoxyn]

This is just a post from someone that is in the mist of some problem maybe addiction. Like everyone here but it's different because we're all different. And some scientist would be able to code it or something ha no everything goes far away.

I don't know who I am in this very moment. Not being sober is like being something because it masks all that painful stuff so as I am sober now for a while.

What a dark hell to look at who you are and what your name is and why and contemplate everything when there's nothing you can do. Just a circle of objects and thoughts swirling in a vortex.

I can't count sober days. I see one big misery cluster in my reality.

I shouldn't post here when I have given up. But whatever addiction has stages. Stages like everything else. Things mix together and are apart of other things.

I slept 20 hours 4 times in a row. I have to work tomorrow. Coworker says I should smile.

But there's so many things wrong with what people say.

Never wanted to not be sober more badly. Because I don't think or believe I can do it. A belief is strong.

I just want to fade away. Hopeless. And being real, what is even real. People doing people things that I can't do. To be a functional member of society when everyone makes so many mistakes just accept the mistake but people just build lies upon it and bother me all the time. Makes me want to not have to deal with it because isn't everything just not in control.

So much pain. Thoughts don't even come together because I don't even know but feel like I know everything at the same time. Paradox.

How do I get out of a hole that I keep digging to hell when I am the one that will keep digging no matter what.. I can't.. Like genetics and an addictive personality disorder but everyone is addicted to something. I just don't even know what or why or where I am I second guess too much and things fall apart in the moment.

I have nothing in me to keep moving. But I guess writing here is some sort of hope seeking energy that does nothing for my situation. I don't even know if I'm depressed because I don't feel depressed. I just don't know what I'm doing in life. But really, no one does. Maybe they do and maybe I can.

[sans]

Hi Desoxyn
I like the way you express yourself. It felt like I was reading some deep literature that I had to keep reading to take it all in. I was thinking you must be a writer. I’m supposed to be journaling as part of therapy, but the words won’t even come to me.
I think it’s a healthy start, getting it on paper.
True, we all have our struggles. I always used to ask my daughter to smile. Only because when she was smiling, I felt like all was good in our home. I heard that it’s not good to ask people to smile. I understand that. I don’t like it when someone says that to me, because I don’t like my smile. It’s usually at work to impress the customers about how happy we are to work for them.
There is so much pain. Tony Robbins says that we can use that pain to grow stronger. If you have Netflix, that was a very good documentary. ‘I am not your Guru’
I wish I could find better words to give you a sense of well-being. Maybe you will find the words for yourself. Sending best thoughts.
Sans

[Marla500]

Desoxyn, this was beautifully expressed, thank you. I'm sure we can all relate to what you are feeling. I hope you will find peace

[Misssy2]

with alcohol comes depression..and major depression can develop.
It sounds to me that all your confusion is steming from the depression that alcohol causes as it is a "depressent"...

if you want to get better you can...I've been going on benders for the last 4 years...finally I got sick of being in the hospital..not remembering things...not dressing or showering or eating...anything and I mean ANY type of existence is better than all of this.

The farther you are from a drink...the depression lessens....I think that alcohol is not the answer but it is another chemical reaction in your brain that brings us down.

I really think counseling and medication could get you to a much better place.

But, you have to be willing to do ANYTHING to get out of this mindset...If not you are doomed to return to the "benders" and continue the cycle of pain.