[Bluesguy]

I decided to take my post from the other thread and start a new one here since the topic changed as my denial subsided.

Now, I'm reaching out, I'm asking, how do you do it? How do you quit.

I need to, I just don't think I can do it, I don't think I have it in me.

For you guys, is/was alcoholism the only problem? Did you just drink to drink because you were addicted, or did you drink because it's an enjoyable and effective way to mask other problems?

A lot of terrible things have happened to me in the past two years of my life, and I'm the type who's really good at holding everything in, and I do it until I snap.

There are just things about me that I feel I can't tell anyone, I'd get scorned for feeling that way about her in the situation I was in. I'd just get told to get over this and that. Supposedly I'm a "man *****," though really just a confused guy.

Latest two quotes:

A week or so ago: "You always seemed like the guy who was gonna be somebody."

Notice the "seemed," past tense, that definitely hit me.

And then....

"I don't want to abandon you, at all. And I am here, I am with you, always. But, I'm standing up now, and I'm here to tell you that you have to make a decision, it is all yours....(My name), get your drinking under control, or lose me. "

That last one was in mid-October, she was in tears. And I care so much about her and I swore I'd never pick up a bottle again. And here I am today with all the cuts and bruises of the last time I drank.

[Raynaadi]

I'm gonna try to answer your questions as best I can here. Keep in mind that I just share my experience, and anything I say is just out of love for one who is struggling. I hope I don't come across as harsh as all. Ok, here goes.

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Now, I'm reaching out, I'm asking, how do you do it? How do you quit.

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I realized one night that I had had enough. I had lost everyone important to me, including a man I had been on again off again with since I was 14. I was 26 when I got sober. I still had a job and an apartment. I had never gotten a dui, never killed anyone. I went to work every day (just about) and then in the evenings I drank. I started buying by beer at different places after a clerk commented on how much I drank. I always made sure I had enough in the fridge to get home to. During the week I'd drink about 6 or 7 in the evenings after work. I drew blood for a living at the time, and I'd go to work with shaking hands. I just thought I had a blood sugar problem, but every test came back normal. I went through a battery of heart tests for awhile because I had all these symptoms that no one could figure out. I was never honest with my doctors about my drinking. the last 6 months that I drank, I hung out here on PC, getting drunk in the chat rooms because I'd heard that if you ever drank alone, you were an alcoholic. So I had company in the chatrooms, so that I wouldn't be an alcoholic.

The friend I had left would bribe me with beer to go out with her. I ended up having an affair with her married brother-in-law. He left his wife and we just drank together. One night we went out to eat and of course were drinking. It ended up being karaoke so we stayed and drank and sang. Out of the blue I said to him, "Ya know, we should quit drinking and go to AA." He said we'd talk about it in the morning and we kept on drinking. We took a cab home and stopped and got more beer even though I had plenty at home. I crashed on my bed and he brought me a beer. I took one sip and passed out.

The next day we got up, looked up meetings online and talked about how much money we spent on booze. We went to the meeting, came home and threw out all my booze and then went to 2 more meetings that day. I've been sober ever since. That was April 24, 2005.

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For you guys, is/was alcoholism the only problem? Did you just drink to drink because you were addicted, or did you drink because it's an enjoyable and effective way to mask other problems?

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For me, all of the above. I drank socially a couple of times in high school, but I waited until I was 21 to really drink. I was afraid to do it before because it was illegal, and I was still hanging on to my good girl role. At 21, I drank socially at first, then I drank to sleep, then I drank all the time. I started getting depressed, seeking medical attention but lied about my drinking. I was given meds but they didn't work because I drank on them.

My mom died of cancer when I was 20. I watched her die for 2 years. I had to leave college to take care of her. Did I drink to mask the pain of this? Sure. I also drank when the days were great. I drank when I was bored. I drank when I was happy sad and everything in between. Eventually I drank because of all of that AND because I was addicted. I couldn't not drink.

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A lot of terrible things have happened to me in the past two years of my life, and I'm the type who's really good at holding everything in, and I do it until I snap.

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Me too. Even in sobriety I have to get in enough pain before I'll ask for help. Luckily I haven't drank or killed myself over stuff before I've asked for help.
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There are just things about me that I feel I can't tell anyone, I'd get scorned for feeling that way about her in the situation I was in. I'd just get told to get over this and that.

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Secrets kill us. They really do. We drink over secrets. In AA, I have whats called a sponsor. She's just another sober woman who has walked the sober road before. She knows absolutely everything about me. Everything. All my deep dark secrets that I swore I'd take to the grave. When I told her my last secret, she said "Me too.". I've sponsored girls and nothing they've ever told me has made me leave them in disgust. They always think they'll shock me and they never do. Because we've all come from that place, the places drinking took us.
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A week or so ago: "You always seemed like the guy who was gonna be somebody."

Notice the "seemed," past tense, that definitely hit me.

And then....

"I don't want to abandon you, at all. And I am here, I am with you, always. But, I'm standing up now, and I'm here to tell you that you have to make a decision, it is all yours....(My name), get your drinking under control, or lose me. "

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That was me too. I lost the guy who begged me to change. But it was loosing him that led me to get sober some months later. Today we're great friends. Today I'm back on the road to making something of myself. I've survived a devastated medical diagnosis but I didn't drink over it.

Alcoholism is a disease. Its an "ism". Ism means that we have a skewed view of how to live life. So we drink to cope. Those of us who have gotten sober and stay happy are those of us who have found new ways to cope. Some of go to AA, like myself. I go to meetings almost every day. I talk to my sponsor, I work the steps. I stay active in the program. I surround myself with other sober people. And I give back. I share what I've been through to help another.

There are many other ways to get sober though, and I'm sure more people will share on how they do it.

Bottom line is, NO ONE is a lost cause. EVERYONE can get sober. I've heard absolute HORROR stories in my meetings. Stuff worse than anything I've seen on tv. The ones who say "if you had my life, you'd drink too" are the ones who die.

The ones who say "I'm willing to go to any lengths to get sober" are the ones who live.

There isn't a single excuse in my over two years of being sober, that has been good enough for someone not to get sober over it.

Sobriety is for people who want it, unfortunatly not for people who need it. You have to want it for yourself inside and out to get and stay sober.

I promise that there are solutions and it is possible for ANYONE, no matter what might happen past present and future.

Today I LOVE my life. I love love love it. And I wouldn't have anything I have today without sobriety. So if you want what I have, I'm more than happy to show you what I do to get it. Same goes for anyone else here who has found sobriety. Why wouldn't we want to give it away? Its an awesome life!!!!

My life is an open book. So feel to ask me anything. Just beware, I have to live by rigorous honesty, so I will always tell the cold hard truth.

Keep posting and asking questions and you will be on the right road.


Rayna

[shadowalker164]

Ray, that is some good stuff! Bluesguy, re-read it, and just substitute your name for Rays, does any of it fit your life?

If you can repost, so can I. Bluesguy, There isn’t anything you are telling us that every one of us haven’t felt and lived in one fashion or another. We are really more alike than we are different. Alcohol FIXED it for all of us. Why in the hell would we have drank away our families, our friends our health, if booze didn’t give us a big payoff? We get it when you say, “I swore I'd never pick up a bottle again. And here I am today with all the cuts and bruises of the last time I drank.”

Find an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and show up. Untreated alcoholism never gets better on it’s own, it always gets worse. But there are many people just like you who are free of that damn obsession, join them. Into action bluesguy, that’s the key. Richard

[DePressMe]

Bluesguy, for me quitting drinking was a process. It did not happen overnight. Even when I was faced with losing my job, friends, boyfriend and my life, I continued to drink. I wish I could tell you the exact formulae for quitting, but I am not sure one exists. Getting sober and staying sober is not easy—it takes a lot of work and sometimes sacrifice.

I have been through detox/rehab 4 times and quit on my own too many times to count. What made me stick with it the last time? Not only did I realize my life was an absolute wreck, I had to believe that I could stay sober and that staying sober would make things better. I believe it is not just about hitting bottom and knowing you are losing everything important to you, it is also about being able to see a better life for yourself. Take some time to think about what it would be like to be sober. Get a good vision for what you want to be and then determine if you are willing to do what it takes to make it happen.

What did I do to get and stay sober? I went through 10 miserable days of detox in a hospital. Initially, every ounce of energy I had was spent on recovery. I did not go to AA so, I had to come up will another plan. Mainly, I spent all waking moments doing something that had to do with recovery—online support groups, reading recovery literature (including AA literature), going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, treating my depression, journaling, talking with supportive friends, taking antabuse, inventorying my feelings and dealing with them…and did I mention reading recovery literature? As long as my thoughts were on recovery, they were not on drinking.

I can tell you that my sobriety is one of the most valued things I have right now. I can’t imagine myself going back to drinking. I am sure the absolute misery of it would kill me. But, it is not the thought of the misery of drinking that keeps me sober. It is the joy of sobriety that keeps me from picking up that first drink.

Today, I have something I never had when I was drinking—happiness. Sure, sometimes the euphoria of alcohol or drugs felt good, but they drained all of the true happiness out of my life. I wish I could package up a little bit of the peace I feel and send it to you. It is not the loathing of the negatives of drinking that motivates me in recovery, it is the absolute joy of life that keeps me on track. Today, I don’t want to drink—I want to live.

Having said all that, I can tell you that today has been one of the worse days I have had at work in ages. The stress is getting to me. I am frustrated, angry…I feel like a failure. However, I will not go home and drink because of it. Drinking might make the feelings go away for a bit, but it won’t fix anything. Tonight, I will work in my recovery. I will do some journaling, reading of the literature and attend our recovery chat. Today, I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober…