Daily Check In #3

I slept 3 hours in the afternoon cuz I needed to sleep. I already slept 11 hours last night. I took a 20mg Adderall that I'm now prescribed but it didn't help. I was supposed to study and hand in an assignment but had to hand it in unfinished. I only did a few questions and the questions suck. They are barely even related to what I'm studying about.

I'm pissed off. I feel like giving up on school but then what will I do? I can't focus and have zero motivation. I feel depressed about this. Everything is going downhill for me in relation to what the universe is doing to me. I'm nothing. I can't escape this hell because I don't know how.

It was better when I took 30mg Vyvanse and then 20mg Adderall yesterday but I can't be abusing these drugs or I'll have none left.

I'll have to keep taking the 30mg Vyvanse instead of the 20mg Adderall until my doctor increases the Adderall to 30mg or 40mg. Maybe that will help but I don't know anymore. I don't know if stimulants can help with negative symptoms of schizophrenia or depression that much. It helps with ADHD symptoms but I still don't feel like doing anything..

I am sorry you are having a rough time.Just take each day as it comes and try to do your best.
you can do this. You are strong and this stuff is hard.
you are worthy of this effort.
bizi

@Desoxyn do you know why you sleep so much? Is it anti-psychotics? I am just wondering.

Idk........ I think it's cuz I'm fighting a cold

I take Seroquel, and I know it makes me very tired, and sleep a lot.

I take seroquel too 100mg to sleep but if I don't take it then I'll get a psychosis/panic attack..

It's probably the seroquel that's making you sleepy. I take 200 mg 4 times daily with 200 being at bedtime. I know I need a solid 10 hours sleep with it, otherwise I wake up groggy.

Don't know how long you've been on it, but I found the sleepiness side effect lessened after a couple of months.

splitimage

Very bloated. I stopped drinking about 2 months ago (yay!). However, that's given way to other addictions - namely sugar and food.

Last night I went out with a group of friends. Although they were doing shots and chugging beer, I wisely chose to abstain.

To compensate, however, I gorged on pizza - about 6 slices. I knew I shouldn't, and that I'd regret it. And sure enough, today is BRUTAL.

I'm sitting here at my desk, and my gut is flowing over my belt. I feel like Chris Farley. Body dysmorphia is a big problem for me...I've been told that I've lost weight, but I don't see it.

Hope things improve; feeling like Jabba the Hut is definitely not good for my mental well-being!

Had my next appointment today. Things are moving forwards ok... managing to make some cut backs.

I’ve not been sleeping well though. Either too much or too little. Hoping that’ll resolve itself soon.

I’ll update my thread with more details tomorrow.

I have 3 weeks of constant studying and I have to work as well. I'll have to skip skiing for the rest of skiing season.

I took one Vyvanse today but I wanted to take two.

I feel like abusing my vyvanse and adderall to get studying done.. I took 4mg xanax yesterday but I'm going to stay away from it.. I'm just sick of everyone drinking alcohol and having fun and I can't drink..

Everything is all in my head. Its mind over matter thing whatever that means..

Have you tried Benadryl? My pdoc put me on 25mg per night for 1.5 yrs and it helped. Was able to get off of it fairly easily as well

so how do you get to sleep these days?
bizi

I am in constant pain and I want relief and been told by my friends that If i do any hard drugs they will beat me...my neighbour who also is a good friend also told me that if I buy a bottle for myself she will smack me upside the head with it. Encouraging eh?

Good to know they want me to stay clean. I have an addictive personality so vice is shopping and I do a lot of it. Some times it gets me in trouble because i spend money I should be using on groceries. You know the things you eat not the things you use like my over stock of paper products sitting in my cupboard. Anyways i been up for too long sleep is calling my name...

I took 3mg xanax then abused my adderall a little and I started crying. I started thinking about my family and life and the world and how I'm screwing everything up. I don't want to be high. I don't even know why I used to get high in the first place.

Once I had 10g of powder that is as potent as hydromorphone but more euphoric and I started crying and told my mom and sister about all my drugs and they threw them away. Otherwise I would have definitely overdosed and I don't want to leave my family behind.

I just wanted to study but my mental health makes me want to abuse drugs but it's not fun anymore. It's shallow to me. So many things for me are becoming shallow. Except talking about addiction and how shallow it is to be high on dangerous drugs for "fun".

I'm done with this. I really am. I guess you can say I relapsed and hit rock bottom again and all the feelings that come with it feels like failure. Caring about what other people think of me about my drug use makes it worse. Like I'm nothing. Yet people all they do is talk about sex. I don't want to live in this world where such bad things happen.

All people do when not working is go out and drink alcohol and try to get laid. I don't care or see the point of "Having fun" when no actual intellectual conversations happen like people just ignore their feelings and problems and mask it with alcohol and saying "How are you?" without giving a **** what the other person is feeling. People are fake as hell and do stupid things because they are stupid.

good for you for going to your family!
You can be very proud of yourself for this.
well done
bizi

Thanks. My family is my support and I would be doing so so much more drugs if it weren't for their understanding and caring about my addiction illness.

Many people don't have support so they see no reason to stop using drugs. I have a good life and there's no need for me to get high.

I'm going to continue studying and take my meds as prescribed. If I catch myself right now, then it won't continue instead of just not caring and continuing on the path that is possible to go towards. It's immature to abuse medication that is supposed to help me but it's hard because the dosage isn't corrected yet and I need to function.

176.9
14 pound loss since 3-6-19 =190.8pounds

I love when I hit a number that is an interesting sequence since the big noteworthy milestones get further apart. Today is day 654...

Desoxyn, Really glad you have your family's support and recognize the need to stay clean.

UpDownAround, Congratulations on the fun milestone.

I'm doing ok. I'm having massive cravings but that's directly from being on valium. I may have to talk to my pdoc about going off it, and doing a straight clonazepam taper. Knowing it's just meds caused, though dose make it a lot easier to resist the urge to drink.

splitimage

They say it is easier to taper off vallium due to it's extra long half life and dosing is easier because they make it in drops So you can really stretch out the taper. so you won't have with drawl effects.
This what the ashton manual suggests. A leading authority on benzo with drawl.
bizi

Bizi,
Yes - that's what we're using the valium for. I got my pdoc to agree to follow the Ashton manual schedule, even though he'd never heard of it. It's great from a taper perspective, unfortunately it also makes me want to drink.
splitimage

3 years 9 months today or 1370 days sober..

split, am sorry you are having cravings.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

way to go Greentires. Congratulations.

Still alcohol free one more week of abs then we shall see what I do then. I have had a pretty regular weight loss14.1 pounds in 5 weeks. I would say that is pretty good. I still look pregnant. My Intermittant fasting is working and following a lowish carb diet.
Went to a dinner it was all very good and healthy
baked chicken and asparagus and brussel sprouts and cucumbers and we brought a lovely fruit salad that hubby made. with strawberries pineapple, blue berries and raspberries. yummy. snacked on some dark chocolate almond candy and some roasted almonds. Very filling but not stuffed!
Then proceeded to drink 5 sparkling sodas.
I hope I don't have to get up to go pee too many times tonight!
Our friend paul is also abstaining from alcohol for lent. And hubby is taking anti biotics so he was drinking water too. so rob was the only one drinking whisky.
I did not miss it as I was not nervous being around them. So I think I can continue to do this after easter.
bizi