Daily Check In #4

Today is 19 months. That's my absolute longest sober period I've had, since I was maybe 16, and I'm 51 now. Really happy with it.

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Congrats!!

Time sure has passed

I only took 3x 5mg diazepam in four days (That's 0.75mg of alprazolam worth). I would have taken 2mg of alprazolam by now if it wasn't for the diazepam.

It's gonna slowly decrease in my blood concentration. I'm only going to take it if I can't sleep by ~4am or if I get impending sense of doom. If I get derealization, I'll take 5mg of diazepam with a zopiclone and sleep it off - Especially if it's just mild depersonalization.

Down to 500mg of phenibut. Tomorrow will be 450mg!

I'm doing very good

I have no craving to get high on these chemicals because I really want to be responsible and stop this madness.

I feel beyond help right now. Nothing is working. I want to turn to old behaviors. I also know it won't help. This feels pretty awful :sad:

((((puzzclar))))
I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I've been there many times, and used and regretted it. Honestly, if you can find a way to get through this, without using, you'll feel a lot better. Take care.
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Haven't taken a daily 0.5mg alprazolam in ten days. In those ten days, I took 5mg of diazepam six times. In the past 3 days, I haven't taken any benzo.

Down to 450mg of phenibut.

I've been cleaning up a house that my moms renters turned into a crack/meth/heroin house. I didn't really find it triggering.

We're gonna sage the house because I think my psychedelic overdose bad trip expelled the addiction from me and haunted the house with addiction after I left.

I took one 5mg diazepam in 7 days. No alprazolam in 16 days.

I took 750mg of phenibut yesterday and today cuz I get severe dysphoria without it.

But very happy with the results of diazepam so far. It makes it very easy to get off of short acting benzos because of it's long half life.

I'm trying... No I'm practicing making better decisions of my time. Life has been hard, and I'm sore physically. My back has been hurting, due to a bad bed and a walker.

Found out that the MRI was normal according to PCP. So why does my foot hurt.

I'm wanting something different for anxiety, I'm afraid I may become addicted to it.

It's all in the mind!

I am practicing not engaging in the behavior I used to engage in so much. It is working. I have not engaged in said behavior for a few weeks now. That is good.

Way to go WastingAsparagus.

puzzclar, just take it a day at a time - you're doing it.

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I hope today goes well. I have so much on my plate Right now and I need to get healthy, which doesn't include my addiction. I have determination today to heal and help others.

On June 5th at 6pm, I took an extra Vyvanse 40mg with 1mg xanax, stayed up all night. Then I took my regular 50mg morning one and went to bed at 2pm but took 1.5mg xanax to fall asleep because my heart jolts when i go unconscious after falling asleep after being awake for at least 24 hours.

Now the xanax has ruined the tolerance for my valium taper. I just wanted to be happy and out of psychosis. I took 1300mg of phenibut during that time too.

Now it's the 9thAM and holy **** i cant sleep I took 400mg phenibut, 0.75mg xanax, 5mg valium, 11.25mg of zopiclone and half a shot of wine. I took another sip from the shot. Alcohol usually makes me feel suicidal.

I just wanted to wake up at 9:30am and start my day productively.

I'll try and get some sleep. I'm just ****ing mad because I have NO ONE to talk to. Everyone is sleeping. I talked to my sister and she said to talk in the morning. I woke her up.

I can't talk to my mom because she gaslights me and says "What have you been taking" as if it matters. My doctor seems to want me to stop changing my meds. It's not my fault. I'm really ****ing tormented by the sleep-wake thing because if I stay up too long, my heart doesn't beat normally.

I want to cry but I can't. I want to vent and have someone understand. It's horrible managing these meds and drugs. I want to live a normal life but I can't because of my mom and the ****ing ****ed work she does and the stress and her drinking and going out of control causes me to much agonizing mental pain.

Went onto tripsit. They were lovely people. Said don't take any more drugs - They love me, safe tripping to all, etc.. Listen to chillhop music then sleep or take another walk around the block

My cat is absorbing all of my bad energy rn

Today I reached 1,800 days sober from alcohol.

Way to go greentires4me.

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Awesome @greentires4me

See see see

Awesome!!!!

@greentires4me, that's magnificent!!

20 months today, and for some reason the last month seemed really long. But still supremely happy about the 20 months. Think I'm going stir crazy from still being on lockdown.

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That's awesome! Keep it up splits! I think lockdown is making everyone crazy at this point...

Need to stop drinking. I have stopped as of today. I am realizing it has really bad effects on my depression. It's an unnecessary substance for me to take in.

Take one day at a time start little by reducing your intake. coming off booze cold turkey was the worse move I made I should have tapered slowly the DTs were horrible. Make small goals for yourself. I know you can do it!

It's tempting to buy meth once I run out of extra stimulant medication.

But I can fight this. There's so much going on with me right now. I'm struggling for my life. Completely struggling for my life.

I could literally write books about what I'm dealing with right now.

I feel like I'm hanging on for life and just want to let go. I feel like love is fake and reality is fake.

I'm just so extremely open minded and I'm not supposed to be in this world.