Daily Check In #4

I decided against having a beer tonight because I know it messes with my head.

Clean since April 8th, 2020.

Way to go childofchaos. That's awesome.

Congratulations childofchaos!

Stopped abusing stimulants over a week ago.

Tolerant to ~half a gram of phenibut (5mg of baclofen).

Might be dependent on low dose alprazolam again. Had anxiety today so I took one.

So far that's it.

I feel like I'm having an addiction attack? (PAWS).

I'm addicted to all things right now. My dopamine is like "MORE"

Must be the invega injection

"During a “dopamine fast,” you're supposed to abstain from the kinds of things you normally enjoy doing, such as alcohol, sex, drugs, gaming, talking to others, going online and, in some extremes, pleasurable eating. The idea is to “reset” your neurochemical system by de-stimulating it."

nomnomnomonom

I smoked a small bit of weed which seemed to help but it was a big mistake. I'm never smoking weed again.

A while after the weed wore off, at the end of the night, my hands and legs started becoming really shaky, my heart started beating fast and I had a full blown panic attack.

I took 1mg of alprazolam, 7.5mg of zopiclone and 5mg of olanzepine and went to sleep.

These are the only moments that I need alprazolam. I get really really bad panic attacks. I should take for light anxiety. Alprazolam might be apart of the problem.

Now I'm just surviving and hoping that it doesn't happen again.

I'm down to 530mg of phenibut today. I'm going to go to 400mg tomorrow.

I feel frustrated. I'm overwhelmed and turning to addictive behaviors. Back to day 0

Took 1g of phenibut today and 0.5mg of Xanax. I need to ask my doctor for another diazepam taper.

I feel like giving up. This is too much pain.

It's ****ing agony. And who controls the doses and type of substance, med, supplement? ME. No one knows what I'm doing and it's hard to keep track of it all.

I can't believe I'm made it this far - and everything is crumbling around me. I need to cry. I feel so sad.

On diazepam taper. I only took one. It's been 3 days without a benzo! 600mg of phenibut tomorrow.

Was going to buy Soma then last minute changed my mind and made chamomile tea

I bought heroin and it doesn't let me cancel my order.

The reason that I want to cancel my order is because I think of my dad. I did it in spite of my mom because she continues to neglect me when my mental health is really bad.

My dad is the only thing grounding me.

I told my mom about the last time I ordered heroin and she threw it away after it arrived. But I don't care about what she thinks anymore because of her drinking, reckless behaviour and manipulation of me.

I ordered it because of her but I can't blame other people right? I have to blame myself. The fact that I'm suffering and can't even leave my room without having to deal with all of the ********.

I called my therapist last week and she was setting me up with supports but it seems hopeless. I just want the mental pain to go away.

I honestly think that my mom doesn't care about me. My death seems like it would just be another dramatic story for her to whine about to get attention but it's likelier that it would be the only thing that would put an end to her delusional mental fantasy land.

Am I being irrational? I think I'm being completely rational. I'm clear minded and very aware under my circumstances.

My mom needs to learn to stop drinking

Down to 400mg of phenibut. Will take 350mg tomorrow. Almost there.. Took 2.5mg of diazepam yesterday. It's more of a mind thing now.

Drank alcohol. My whole family drank alcohol alone/or with friends. Then we came together, cried. My mom will try and stop drinking tomorrow for 2 weeks. I'll have to support her or idk cuz she doesn't believe she has a problem - Just like I never believed I had a problem.

I took 2.5mg of diazepam which helped with the hangover feeling after the alcohol wore off an hour or two later.

I'm down to 350mg of phenibut! Will take 300mg tomorrow.. I'm so proud of myself.....

Still taking 350mg of phenibut. On day 2 of not taking benzos. Tomorrow will be day 3. I'm gonna try and go 2 weeks without them.

My mom is on almost a week of no alcohol!

Way to go Desoxyn, keep trying. And good news on your Mom.
splitimage

Addiction update;

- On 350mg of phenibut (Half of what it was).
- Trying to go 2 weeks without any benzo (On day 3 I took 1/4 (2.5mg) of a diazepam. It's been two days since then.. So basically 5 days without a benzo !)
- I don't think I'm taking any other drugs? Nicotine gum and coffee..
- My last cigarette was on August 6th of 2019.
- Stopped taking Ashwagandha because it makes my OCD symptoms much worse.
- Taking all meds (Invega Sustenna, olanzepine, Vyvanse, zopiclone, atenolol, minocycline).
- Taking vitamin C, D and a fish oil a day.
- Not taking psilocybe microdose cuz dealing with depersonalization every night.
- My mom hasn't drank alcohol in over a week.

My mom made it 8 days without drinking. She's drunk now. I don't have the will to continue being sober because of that. I know in my head that that's irrational but if she triggers me in the future (Which I'm sure she will), this is why I'm saying that.

She only cares about looking good for modelling so she exercises and starves herself when not drinking.

It's because she has histrionic personality disorder.

She's at her friends house. My sister told her friends that she's a bad influence and they are. My moms friend probably pressured my her into getting drunk.

Maybe I should support my mom for staying sober for 8 days and tell her to try again. I'm not disappointed in her. I just don't want her getting ****-faced drunk almost every night.

Time will play out so I can understand this more.. She couldn't quit for 2 weeks so she has to admit that she has a problem - Which obviously I know that that won't happen.

Day 7 without a benzo. Will take 350mg of phenibut today.

Feeling slight withdrawal (Because I didn't take the phenibut yet) but it's completely fine.

I slept 18 hours - So I'm getting a good amount of sleep because of waking up early (6am) 3 days in a row to go to work. I didn't even take a zopiclone last night.

I've been trying to get off GABA drugs for maybe a year now. Progress has been made - As long as I keep trying.

My mom isn't drinking again. She said that she just cheated once. So 10 or so days without drinking!

Day 8 without a benzo. 300mg of phenibut today.

Relapse. Was in AA but don't think that is for me. Been in/around for near 19 years always miserable. The god thing is irritating and I don't and won't and can't believe he exists. New revelations of things that have happened that I don't remember but found things in my writing that tell me at some time I did remember and my mind just pushed them back away again. Theres no fn way I can or will do AA again or have anything to do with god if he even exists.