[Christina86]

(I solemnly swear I won't do an update every single meeting I go to... just for the next one or two until I get the hang of things).

Anyways, tonight was fun.

Went out for dinner with the lovely woman who's been driving me to meetings, and a woman who celebrated a birthday today (she got a medallion, woot!)

It was fun...

I'm once again struck by the speaker, and how what they say really makes sense to me... but for the life of me, I can't remember what he said.

I caved. I've signed up, and this is now officially my "home group". I chose my sobriety date as something I can remember... July 20th. So pretty soon I'll have a month!

I'm still feeling isolated after the meeting though, when people break up to chat with one another. I'm always on the outskirts of the room, with nobody to talk to, b/c everyone else is talking amongst themselves. It kinda sucks... but I guess I'm used to it. I guess it's just low self-esteem + having a disability (wheelchair!) + being new + being essentially the youngest one there... it's awkward. And scary. And not very pleasant.

I got another womans number tonight though, a lady I've talked to a few times... I actually also talked to another woman about my social awkwardness...

But it was a good meeting. I'm going to see about going to another meeting elsewhere this week or next... but it's hard, because I've got a lack of time + transportation + accessibility of the meeting location ... it really narrows down the amount of places I can go.

Oh well.

I'm still not doing good on the "day by day thing" though...

But the lady who's been driving me back and forth told me something... she said, no matter what... if I feel like drinking I've got to call her. She said she'll come over, and *watch* me drink, and watch me flush my life down the drain. Oh, and that she doesn't want to see another person die because of "the booze". I'm still a little shocked by that I'll admit... I don't think I'm a binge drinker, and I don't drink a lot... but I still identify with too much to discount anything. I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds... of "having a problem" and not. I've never experienced hardship from drinking ... I've never lost anything or done anything really stupid when drinking, never broken the law ... hell, what I've experienced the morning after, I doubt I can really call anything a real hangover... I've never gone to class hammered (I did go tipsy once or twice though, but still fully functioning) ... and I've never skipped class to drink (or skipped anything else important either). Doctors haven't told me to stop drinking...

But yet I've got the stupid addictive personality problems, and addictive issues with so much ... I guess this is the way to go.

Someone PLEASE tell me I'm not crazy.

I'd love to call the lady who's driven me before to chat about this... but she's older, and not the easiest to talk to (memory issues, due to PTSD and alcohol + other stuff) ... I need help. I need someone to understand my predicament here.

[DePressMe]

Christina, You are not crazy. You don't have to lose everything before you get help. I think you have the right idea of stopping drinking now before it becomes even more of a problem. Look at how you identify with your fellow AA people, not how you do not identify with them. Everybody is different. Everybody has a different story to tell. Someday, you may tell your story and help a person who is in your current situation. The only way you can help them is if you help yourself now.

I know this sounds a little strange...but, if somebody was asking you the same questions you are asking yourself...what would you tell them? More than likely, I bet it would be something along the lines of "stop now before it gets worse."

Christina, you are wise, very wise to catch this now before it catches you later. You don't need to go through unnecessary pain in order to "qualify" for membership--you just have to have a desire to quit drinking. Drinking is a problem when you decide it is a problem. Now is a good time for you to decide.

[Mouse_]

YOu know theres a saying in AA "take what YOU want and leave the rest"...a lot of people in AA find it hard to see past their own experiences and theres alot of projection that goes on...if I was you I'd just say, hi yeah thanks for the offer if ever I'm in that situatjion I know now I have another option" and leave it at that...if you get somethign from just being in a meeting then thats enought...some make a career out of AA and expect the same from others...dont take on anybodys guilty trip...just do whatevers comfortable for you...

[Slippers]

You've made a pretty long list of the things you DON'T identify with...what is it that you DO identify with?

Can you post that here, or it is too personal?

S

[splitimage]

Christina - it's ok I like the updates.

I can really relate to feeling awkward with the social chat after meetings too. It's something I still have to work on. I've made myself start going out for lunch every Sat. with a bunch of women from my women''s meeting. I don't feel comfortable entirely but it's helping me with social skills which are somewhat under developed.

And remember AA is not a competition about whose life got the most screwed up by drinking. It's enough that you're identifying with people and wanting to do something about your drinking before it really messes up your life. I think it's great that you're starting early before the bad stuff starts happenning. I really wish I had gotten sober earlier - but I guess I'm a slow learner LOL.

I'm glad that you've picked a home group, and just think pretty soon you'll be able to pick up a one month chip. That's a really big deal.

Take care.

---splitimage

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((DPM))))))))))))))))

You sound so wise and I thank you so much for your response. You sound a lot like some friends of mine too, which is totally cool.

Thank you... I do have a desire to quit drinking regardless. So I guess that's a good thing?

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Mouse))))))))))))))

I've probably heard that saying before, but I don't recall... so thanks for the reminder. Thanks so much for responding ... I do enjoy the meetings, they're kinda cool to go to ... and I learn a lot about myself too.

[Christina86]

Nothing is too personal! (Okay, that's a lie, but I'll give it a shot).

Lets see...

I identify with the feeling out of control.
With the whole bit about how drinking makes your problems appear to go away.
With how alcohol makes you feel a lot better about yourself, even temporarily.
I identify with having an abusive family situation
I know how alcohol can make me want to do crazy things (like risk taking... sometimes I've been trying to play in traffic)
I know I can't really stop drinking once I start.
I know I've got an addictive personality
I know I switch addictions depending on my mood
I know I'm self-destructive
I know I'm depressed and have really low self esteem
I know I'm just trying to fill a void in myself with something.
I feel like all I want to do is fit in with everyone else and do whats normal... and in university, that's generally to drink
I really do actually enjoy the taste of alcohol... but I seem to enjoy the effects of it sometimes too much

I think that's all thats off the top of my head... that's me identifying and placing myself in the place that other people have talked about when discussing their alcoholism.

((((((((((((((Slippers))))))))))))))) Thanks for making me think of it from another perspective... that's actually really helpful

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((((splitimage)))))))))))))))))

I'm glad someone else relates to feeling awkward. It makes me feel less weird. It just sucks... I *know* they're nice people. I can chat with them before the meeting ... but it's after the meeting, when people start pairing off or gathering in groups to chat... I can't do it. It's just... weird to me.

Yay one month chip. It'll be fun to actually have that, instead of another desire chip.

Oh yeah... I think the woman who's been going with me to meetings... is trying to inadvertantly become my sponsor. She called me TWICE today and left me messages. I was working on my essay all day though so I didn't get a chance to call her back... and I'm still a firm believer in the whole no calling people later in the day/at night because that's rude.

There it is! You might print this list to remind yourself of why you came in if you ever start wondering if you're in the right place. I know that for me, once I have a few months of sobriety under my belt, it's REALLY EASY to forget what brought me to AA in the first place

I've heard all of those things you haven't done (been in jail, etc.)referred to as "yet"s. I haven't been to jail (yet!). No need to keep drinking just to see what all of those experiences are like

I find the social thing at the end of the meeting pretty awkward too. Now that I've been in the program a few years, I'm much more comfortable - especially at my home group - and I have some people I basically just hug and hang onto for dear life after the meeting lolol. I have a "mom" and "dad" at my meeting (I'm one of the youngest at my meeting) and I just latch on! lolol

One thing that I do sometimes is go up to someone that particularly struck me or touched me or whatever and tell them that I really enjoyed what they shared, that I needed to hear that tonight, etc.

I'm sure the more you go the more comfortable you will feel. If you are ANYTHING in real life like you are on the boards, I'm sure you will become very popular at AA - you're such a special person!

Keep up the good work!

[nowheretorun]

i felt weird about the social gatherings too Christina... glad to hear i'm not the only one also

i think it would be very helpful if you were able to define your boundaries with whomever you meet without disrespecting either them or yourself (which i know you would be concerned about)

people try to help and people help best by respecting each others boundaries.. we essentially teach others how to treat us by the way in which we treat ourselves...

i know you care ver deeply for your own health and others health... you've inspired me many times without knowing it...

you are human as we all are.. we are going to make mistakes at times and sometimes we step on our own toes... it happens to us from the time we breathe until the time we die... surely some lessons we do eventually nail down permanently but we shouldnt ever beat ourselves up for stumbling now and again... i know youre sponsor would tell you this... we are human and imperfect... we are trying, all of us are... lets give ourselves some due kudos now and again... i think you are doing great and hope you will ever step forward tho at times the path is less than perfect...