I am going to confess this to T tomorrow, I think, but I have to get this off my chest.

I think I have developed a problem with taking pills. It started this winter when my middle son had gum surgery - long after his pain was over, he had some leftover liquid codeine - I took it for an acutal migraine, with no other thought or intention than to help my head feel better - and lo and behold, there was that warm feeling that my addict mind craves. I guess that was in March.

I have very easy access to various things - hydrocodone, muscle relaxers, tramadol - and I have been taking them more and more and more. The past couple of weeks have been particularly bad. And the past couple of days, I've wanted to take something RIGHT when I got up in the morning. I try not to take more than the normal dose (not that there is a "normal dose" when you're taking it for no reason!). Last night, I could barely function because I was so thick headed and sleepy and queasy.

I know I need to stop. But it's scary. I felt so horrible last night that I felt like it would be easy to quit - and I still feel that way today, my head is POUNDING and I'm fighting waves of nausea. But when this horrible feeling leaves in a few days, will it be so easy then?

I am having a hard time living life on life's terms. I have PTSD and the anxiety that comes along with it. I feel like I'm on the edge and barely able to cope - I don't know if that's "me" or the things I have been taking. I need to be a good mom for my kids, and in some sick way, drugged me - who is calm, and pleasant - seems like a better choice than scared, anxious, PTSD, stressed out me.

Blah. There's my confession.

[reddevil]

Well done for being able to admit to it.

I hope your T is able to help you work on this.. and to feel able to face life without being drugged.

[PhoenixRising55]

Hello Earthmama,

I know you say you have been taking a "normal" dose but as with any other drug there will be some withdrawal symptoms...I would consult with a physician or some medical professional who can advise you on the correct way to kick this habit. And telling your therapist, I think is a good idea as well....good luck earthmama....

[splitimage]

Hi earthmama,

I think talking to your T is a good idea. It's really easy to get addicted to that warm fuzzy numbness that drugs give us. But it's not a better way to live. Even though living life on life's terms is hard it's better than being drugged out and sick from the drugs. Also if you're mixing presciption meds, you're at risk for a potentially serious drug interaction. It's dangerous.

trust me your kids are better off with a clean and sober, even though she's anxious Mom.

Good luck in getting off of them.

--splitimage

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by earthmama

Blah. There's my confession.

And a wonderfull one it is....

Self Honesty and Willingness to Change...the two keys to the double lock of any addiction.

Seeing things for what they are and committing to changing them...

By your confession you have turned one lock...

Your children deserve a Mother who doesn't crave anything,,,except maybe their Love...imagine being "under the influence" and one of them experienced an emergency..that scenerio happens every day...seriously,,every day..many times...a parent who fails miserably while "under the influence".

Then comes living with the shame...and that is a living hell...

You've done well in seeing this problem this early earthmama......

Keep going...solve it.

Love,

Lenny

[DePressMe]

Earthmama, getting clean for your kids is a worthwhile reason, but getting clean for yourself is also extremely important. You can face your PTSD and survive it. I think, the drug addiction plays tricks on us. When you are trying to come off the pills, your anxiety may seem magnified because the addiction is messing with your head. Give sobriety a chance, the pills will always be there if you change your mind. You can do it!

(((((((((((((((((((((((( everyone ))))))))))))))))))))))))

I did talk to T, but I don't think he "got it". Unfortunately, I have so much going on, that it's probably hard to tease out the one thing that is the "most serious". There's a lot of serious stuff (unfortunately!).

SO. Still a little lost. Still trying. Still figuring out how to move forward.

I actually feel kind of scared that I won't be able to do it. And then what? That's hard to admit - I almost haven't admitted it to myself until right now this second.

Yikes.

[Mouse_]

I identify so much with what you are experiencing ... though I haven't drank alcohol in almost 6yrs, codiene is my "dirty secret" from time to time .. the real "big boys" codiene I gave up a few yrs ago when I actually had a mad day and told my GP to stop prescribing me codiene for a back condition I have ... but in the uk we can get over-the-counter- pain pills that contain codiene ... now and again I do feel I need just-that-little-something to get me thru ... and its so easy to full into a habit of looking forward to taking these, breaking the day up into 4hrs parts ..waiting for that something that will be the reason to stop taking them again, only to realise that right-now-right-here is as good as any other moment to quit ..it takes a couple of days to get over the withdrawal flu like symptons that even at having taken normal dosage causes, then also getting over the little looking forward to it moments is another huddle, but by the end of about 5 days I'm back to living life on lifes terms and the pill taking seems like an insanity again ..and yes when I tell T about this little habit of mine from time to time, she either just sits and listens with no reply or says not to be to hard on myself for doing what I've always done to get throu, except I see that as a green light to do it again , and its in those moments I have to be a grown up and take responsibity for what i'm doing and stop it...there isn't going to be no magic cure except to just STOP!.. I've often wondered if jumping up and down 3 times a day, say at midday, every day would prevent me taking them? LOL, sorry my humour, but no I see where you are and its hard, but its not IMPOSSIBLE!! to STOP TODAY< THIS SECOND< TO START YOUR DAY AND WEEK OVER AGAIN< good luck!!

[Slippers]

You are doing great to be working on this issue before it gets further out of control. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it will be to stop - of course you know that. So, try hard now to stop. If you have a pdoc, tak to him/her about it. Or confess to your primary care doc. You might need help getting off the meds.

And I would bring this issue back to your T. Tell him just what you told us - that he didn't hear you. You are getting a buzz every day. If you were drinking every day, he might think that was a bad idea. If someone is doing trauma work, and finding it necessary to self-medicate....the T ought to think this is an issue. Thwack him on the forehead for me, OK?

S

Originally Posted by Mouse_

and yes when I tell T about this little habit of mine from time to time, she either just sits and listens with no reply or says not to be to hard on myselfar for doing what I've always done to get throu,

Yes! T said something just like this...I know he just doesn't get it. He did ask me once "how bad is this? should I be waving my arms and screaming?" and I said "oh no, it's not that bad" (this was a couple of weeks before I wrote the post at the beginning of this thread).

I guess I need to try to explain it to him again. Or just STOP! I keep thinking I should throw them all away but then...I can't. And if I don't take something, it gives me a headache, and I think "well, I should just take something for this headache" and the cycle continues. Blah.

Thanks, Mouse.

Originally Posted by Slippers

Thwack him on the forehead for me, OK?

S

Yeah, T is definitely not hearing me on this. The thing is, in his defense, I've been in a really bad place, with a lot - a LOT - going on, and I know it's hard for either of us to figure out where to start to deal with all of it.

But, I think I'll thwack him on the forehead anyhow!!!!

[Irine]

Originally Posted by earthmama

And if I don't take something, it gives me a headache, and I think "well, I should just take something for this headache" and the cycle continues. Blah.

.

• A cold shower
• If it`s not hot go out side of a walk/run
• Mditate

Gool luck

(((((EM))))))),
I have the same problem but with stimulants. I think that Ts are reluctant to focus on that problem specifically because they believe that working on the PTSD (etc.) issues will help us not need drugs, but I'm not sure. My T doesn't focus on it either. I wish we could just get a break somehow, you know? It isn't enough that we have psychological issues -- let's add addiction issues (which I guess could be psychological issues, too). But wait! There's more! If you call today you can also get the gift of an attachment disorder absolutely free! I'm sorry. I'm not being very supportive. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired and I hate that others are in pain just like me. PM me and we'll talk.