[embracinglife]

I'm just beginning to confront my family upbringing, and come out of the denial that everything was okay.

So neither of my parents were actually alcoholics, but my therapist recommended me to look into the literature on Adult Children of Alcoholics. She said that the stuff that ACA go through is similar to any dysfunctional family.

After starting to read a book, I see what she is saying. My dad was the "crazy" one. He became irrational sometimes and would get in big arguments with my mom and I. It was a very unpredictable environment at times. And I learned not to show my feelings.

Any advice on how to recover from this would be helpful. Thanks

[embracinglife]

So I've started reading a book about ACA....and here is a list of things that I can relate to:

• all or none thinking
• need to be in control
• not good at recognizing my own needs
• question my feelings
• not good at communicating or expressing needs and feelings
• overly responsible and serious
• feel somewhat responsible for family problems
• problems with intimate relationships/relationships in general
• trouble trusting
• difficulty in major life transitions
• rigid

Some more explanation to of things my dad did--he acted in extremes--sometimes he would say he loved me and tell me I'm very beautiful, and spoiled me. Then other times he would say very harsh things to me i.e. telling me that he didn't want me living in his house,or saying degrading and mean things to me until I cried and then making fun of me for crying.

[Elana05]

(((embracinglife)))

What a difficult thing to grow up with. It does sound similar to alcoholic behavior. Do you think he was bipolar? Do you know if either of your grandparents suffered from alcoholism? I have found ACA full of patterns I recognize in my family too... It isn't easy to be faced with the truth after all these years but I have (also) found it necessary. Sending supportive thoughts your way.
E.

[embracinglife]

Thanks. I definitely think he has something going on...either bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder...or something like that.

He is a pilot, and that is why he could never be on meds so he could never really treat it...I need to find out more about his dad, because his dad died when my father was 10 years old...I don't know if he was alcoholic or not, but I think he was somewhat abusive, and smoked.

[AvidReader]

Wow, embracinglife -- that sounds like an excruciating environment for a child to grow up in. I admire you for having the courage to confront these issues. I wish I had some sage words of advice, but I just started to confront my own (ACA) demons a few weeks ago. Good luck to you!

[embracinglife]

It's weird for me to hear you guys say that it sounds like a horrible environment to grow up in, because for me it feels normal. I guess that shows just how bad it was...or that I'm still learning and in the beginning stages of recognizing the dysfunction.

Thank you very much for your words and support.

[mildredpatience]

Life- their are 7 stages of grief that you seem to be going through. Although you have not lost a loved one in this circumstance you have lost something huge. Your reality of normal. Here are the seven stages. I hope you find them helpful. Remember, grieving takes time, their is no wrong or right way to grieve and each of the 1st few stages are not always linear. I hope you find these helpful.

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depresssion, Reflection,Lonliness
5. The Upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and Hope

If you want more info I just googled 7 stages of grief and came up with a site. It wouldn't let me copy and paste it though.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you grapple with this new idea of not having a normal family. Mildred