new and searching

I am the spouse of an adult child of an alcoholic. I have been married 30 years and have 5 daughters. I love my husband more than I can express. this year , he dropped a big "bomb".. said he was not sure he loved me, not sure about this marriage and not sure why " I settled for him" I will never be able to explain the shock... ever. He has been the most perfect of husbands and father.. other than my inability to intimately emotionally bond or reach him... I was happy. I accepted what I could not change and the good far outweighed the bad. I thought it was a mid life crisis . We went to counselling . I could describe my childhood in under 10 mintes... it took over an hour to collect his family history. At 3 he witnessed his alcoholic father beat his mother almost to death. He never saw his mother again until he was 28. He thought she was dead his entire childhood He was raised by his alcoholic extremely abusive father and a string of women. It was while listening to him that I could see big issues. I googled adult children of alcoholics and could see the EXACT description and characteristics of my husband and finally understood all the issues in my marriage. So here I am... not sure what to do to save this marriage. Counsellor says he has profoundly entered the "perfect storm" and had much pain to release and years of counselling. I could stand by him... I could continue to love him and support him.. if I understood why he blames so much on ME. Why he talks of leaving ( since April) but never actually goes. He has hurt me beyond description and not sure how I will repair anything. He has almost every characteristic 100 %. He is over responsible, gives endlessly, cannot say no, fixes everyones problems, workaholic , emotionally unable to express himself and on and on it goes. He blames me for for controlling him, not loving him enough , never having a "say" and a long list of shocking revelations. I am want to help him.. as it is clear he is hurt and struggling. But I can barely give him anything.. as he has almost destroyed me. He has been someone else for 30 years.. now the mask is off and he wants "something for himself" ... counsellor says his struggle has " very little to do with me" .. but he will blame me. I have no idea what I am to do... If he wants to leave.. abandonment is not an issue... but he has made no move to actually leave. Someone... please.. explain this to me ... and tell me the best way to handle this... he is my entire life. what does he need from me? he has never been able to tell me... I need to know.

Maybe he has some mental issues, is he on meds? I know when i take my nighttime meds which are very strong and get me depressed at certain times of the day, I get very"out of it"emotionally , and say things i don't mean or i am just wishing for an escape from the situation I'm in, not that it is a bad relationship, but the depression comes on and I can't shut up about wanting to leave sometimes. It is a fleeting roller coster of emotions, too many at once. Your husband sounds like he needs to slow things down and not be so responsible for everyone else, maybe he is just going through the mid life crisis, you need to support him, and try to keep your feelings at bay for now, he may snap out of it, and if he doesn't he should see a doc and T if possible, where he can tell his feelings alone.

it sounds like (to me, as an ACOA myself) he is venting on the only person he has ever trusted enough to make an *** out of himself with.

Sounds like he is at a crossroads and is testing you to find out if how much you love him. His demons have recently (finally?) stepped out of the shadows and he is willing to communicate something BIG. This is good; it has to happen for him. It's progress in a way.

Not necessarily wanting to leave the family but stepping up and making his 'needs' important in the only maybe dramatic way he knows how.

He's the Father of five children. What does he think of that role in general? What does "father" mean to him? How has he felt priority-wise, to you, in such a big family? I hear what you are saying and understand completely! I don't know what the answer is, but my prayers are with you.