[CosmicRose]

I very rarely call my mother. She was an alcoholic for my entire life and left me at age 13. She recently moved to another state and retired. I'm 23 so I have my own life and don't need to include her on anything anymore, but she called me four days ago after I let her know how my interview went for a position I really wanted. We got disconnected and she called me about 2-3 more times through the course of the next 3-4 days. She even left me a voice mail that said "I'm really worried about how you're feeling." Which was really unlike her, she hasn't said she's worried about me in ten years, so I thought that was odd - over something so small as an interview rejection. So she called again today and I answered.

The conversation started out fine and as pleasant as possible, but after ten minutes on the phone she began talking badly about my dad and how horrible he is. She does this every single time I talk to her. It aggravates me so much because I've told her to stop bringing up the past. My dad's a wonderful man but that's besides the point. I tried to let it go and allow her to keep talking, I even tried to say I gotta go you're breaking up, but she kept talking. So finally I said "Okay, I gotta go, this is really upsetting me, and can I just say something? You're the one who hasn't been there for me. You're the one who has been horrible for years." She paused and in an eerie almost sweet calm voice said "I won't be able to help you anymore." I said "Okay? With what? You don't help me anyway." She was referring to money but she very rarely helps me with money anyway, I think in the past 5 years she's only helped me 3 different times at the most. She said "Because you said that about me." I said "Said what?" She said, "That I'm horrible." I said, "You were horrible." She was abusive and a deadbeat parent, saying she was horrible is almost an understatement. But she has zero conscience, because its all about her. Not the fact that I'm ever hurting or ever needed a mother, no its all about her.

Then she said, "I moved across the country just to get away from you girls." Meaning me and my sister. By the way, we never visited her when she lived in the same state. But what kind of a mother says that? Her hatred for us comes out of no where and her lack of empathy to how I must be hurting, is unprecedented. So finally I said "Okay I gotta go bye." And she just said "Bye."

My dad said I walked right into her trap because whenever she brings up the past she knows I get upset, its a definite trigger for me and sometimes I'm able to just let it go, but she was trying to get a rise out of me so she wouldn't feel so bad about saying she's never going to help me anymore. Whatever it takes to make her feel better about herself and her actions.

I just wish she would stop calling me. This is why I waited 4 days and would have probably gone weeks without calling her back because this is how it always ends between us. No matter how fake nice I am to her, no matter how many times I keep my mouth shut whenever she's trying to trigger me into an argument, it always ends up with her "winning" and me being left in the dust, once again.

I hate this constant toxic relationship. I tried going no contact before but due to necessity I needed to contact her again and this just keeps happening over and over.

[unaluna]

(((Rose))) if you cant go no contact, that doesnt mean you should go full contact. I know its hard not to want to share good news with her - after all, she's your mother; your good news should not make her angry, should not be a burden to her - but for some reason, its as if our very existence IS a burden to them. I gave up trying to figure out why, or trying to fight against it. You keep going back to an empty well. The sooner you face that the better. I will say, its not you, its her. I wish you the best.

[CosmicRose]

Thanks hankster, that analogy you used about the empty well, that perfectly exemplifies the way I feel about her lack of empathy.

[Perna]

Sounds like the kind of "mother" one would be glad moved across the country. Next time she says something hurtful, I would reply in kind and then not bother trying to continue the conversation, just say you have to go now, goodbye, and then hang up. I would not give her the last word.

"I moved across the country just to get away from you girls" deserves a, "Yes, and we're very glad you did, thank you."

[CosmicRose]

I just checked the mail today and on july 31st she sent me $200 in the mail. WTF?! She RARELY sends me money unless its my birthday! Why would she send me 200 dollars (usually she sends under $100) and then call me days later to tell me she won't help me anymore. I didn't ask for this money at all! And then she incites an argument? I don't understand. Does she just want me to feel bad? I'm so confused. I didn't even know this money was coming.

[BLUEDOVE]

This little quote hit me right between the eyes:" Everything depends on you".

[CosmicRose]

I think psychologists call this "crazy making" by narcissists.

[avlady]

send the money back

[brainhi]

You can rationalize what to do with the money in many ways.

I say keep it... that was payment for your grief/time putting up with her.

And IMO nothing changes about her if you send it back.

Just my opinion..

[CosmicRose]

I'm going to keep the money but I'm really at a loss as to whether or not I should call her and say thank you? Or let her know I got it? She said she was sending me a "letter" in the mail and to call her when I got it. Or just not call her at all? What should I do?

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I'm going to keep the money but I'm really at a loss as to whether or not I should call her and say thank you? Or let her know I got it? She said she was sending me a "letter" in the mail and to call her when I got it. Or just not call her at all? What should I do?

Send a text? "Got it"... add thanks if you want to... that word means more to you than to her.

[CosmicRose]

Thanks for your suggestion brainhi, I did text her saying "I got the money, thanks" she texted me back saying, "Good to know. Thought you could use it. You're welcome. Good luck on your next job search." Our relationship feels very bipolar. Back and forth. Up and down.

[muncie]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I don't understand. Does she just want me to feel bad? I'm so confused. I didn't even know this money was coming.

Guilt money and obviously wants you to feel kindly towards her.