[TerriLynn]

My mother was an alcoholic, she passed away 18 yrs ago. My sister is the alcoholic now, she has been since she was 16-17. She has been in rehab, NA and AA. She stopped drinking when she got pregnant and for about a year after, but now she drinks full board. She is a single mom now, her husband a drug addict and alcoholic also. They are separated, not yet divorced.

About 3 years ago she started going to church with a friend and became instantly involved in the church, was baptized and has all kinds of friends in the church, which is GREAT (I am also a Christian) but the problem is, none of that has changed her drinking or behavior. I had really high hopes that this would bring about changes in her soul, in her life. But nothing has changed. She is still a drunk, a liar, a manipulator. And none of her friends at church know it. Though I don't know how cause if you spend time around her the day after a binge, she REEKS like booze.

Its really frustrating!!! At this point I have no contact with her because she is toxic.

[lowinmood]

she has her own path to take, and her friends at church probably do suspect it, but will probably pray for her.

She has to find the strength herself and rescue herself, and it sounds like you feel the need to rescue her, but sometimes, it's better to stand back and get her to do that for herself, it's difficult but more empowering. So don't feel guilty for taking a back seat now in order to look after yourself. Don't punish yourself for this.

[TerriLynn]

I have tried to rescue her twice, and each time it is thrown back in my face about how I am not better than her. Its like she feels guilt or obligation and that makes her angry so she lashes out at me. I am done helping, I wont ever do it again.

[brainhi]

You know all you can do is take care of you. My brother struggled with addiction for years - he used alcohol and drugs because he was in pain. He self medicated like crazy.. there were consequences and he is/did pay the price and continues to do so. He is better... but he now deals with a lot of depression and anxiety. He is humbled now... I am there to listen to him and let him know I love him. He has to do the work. I wish him and his family the love we did not have when we were kids.

[reality bites]

Well the only thing I can say personally to you from my experiences of dealing with a whole bunch of people who are alcoholics and drug addicts including me is. You can give them all of the advice in the world, you can spend a whole bunch of money on rehabs hoping they help your family member out, but unless they want the help themselves its useless to help them. It takes self control and remember this. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make the horse drink it

[Curry]

I spent a lifetime trying to coach my mom on how to act like a mom. I confronted her when she acted crazy. I did everything I could to make her notice me. She lied manipulated everyone in my family to blame me for her unhappiness and somehow her alcoholism. At the end I phoned her regularly and once every year she would come to the phone to speak to me. Eventually, I started talking to her in my head. I told her I loved her and admired her for all her good points. Then I told her out loud that I was holding her in my heart. She started sobbing and hung up the phone before she gave me information about my Dad's stage 3 cancer. I am feeling better and better about her because I am changing, she just stays the same or gets worse. I saw her as a vulnerable helpless troubled girl in my mind the other day instead of a mom who makes me feel like I can never get enough love. Now I have to work on myself finding love.

(((hugs)))

[Michael 77]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I have tried to rescue her twice, and each time it is thrown back in my face about how I am not better than her. Its like she feels guilt or obligation and that makes her angry so she lashes out at me. I am done helping, I wont ever do it again.

She feels shame when you try to rescue, and so she gets angry and self-righteous. Just let her be. When you can, let her know you care and will be there for her. But stop the rescuing behavior. You know that won't work and doesn't really help. It's not your job. Didn't cause it, can't cure it.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by Curry

I spent a lifetime trying to coach my mom on how to act like a mom. I confronted her when she acted crazy. I did everything I could to make her notice me. She lied manipulated everyone in my family to blame me for her unhappiness and somehow her alcoholism. At the end I phoned her regularly and once every year she would come to the phone to speak to me. Eventually, I started talking to her in my head. I told her I loved her and admired her for all her good points. Then I told her out loud that I was holding her in my heart. She started sobbing and hung up the phone before she gave me information about my Dad's stage 3 cancer. I am feeling better and better about her because I am changing, she just stays the same or gets worse. I saw her as a vulnerable helpless troubled girl in my mind the other day instead of a mom who makes me feel like I can never get enough love. Now I have to work on myself finding love.

Hello

I think it is important to realize that our parents ahd their own lives and their own issues before they became our parents. you cannot change them. I cannot change them. We can learn to understand and accept them for what they are. Sometimes we ened to stay away from them ebcause they are so destructive and toxic. Soemtimes we just ahve to be very careful about the times and circumstances in which we are around them or interact with them.

The point is; it is easier to move on and owrk out our own problesm once we disengage oruselves from those problems of our parents. We are not them. We are our own persons. We can learn to love and forgive them their failings ebcause they are human as we are human. Their aprents affcted them. What they didnt get from their families affected them. Their dreasm, their desires , their wants and needs were likely common to our own. Life is messy and people screw up and the ebst we can do is to udnerstnad why we are the way we are when how we are causes us problems.

Once I realzied my parents werent born when I was born--that they ahd histories forged long ebfore that moment- it was easier not to hold myself somehow responsible for fixing them. The only person I can fix is myself.

But with being able to understand and forgive all the nasty stuff- there is an added sense of freedom and love that somehow keeps these things in persepctive for me. It is possible for people who love you to hurt you and not intentionally do so. Sometimes it is all they know because it was all they lived themselves as kids.

[Dont_Follow]

^Excellent post. It is a concept that I am working to accept right now.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I am done helping, I wont ever do it again.

Good choice, IMO.