[aalazhe]

i dont understand why God did this to me. you know how people say god has it all mapped out? where does this map take me where will i end up as an anorexic? will i be bouncing in and out of hospitals fo my whole life will i die of a heart attack do i have refeeding syndrome? people say things happen for a reason. whats the reason to make me suffer. i thought you loved me god. why have you cursed me with somthing i dont understand non the less can i handle. i have given up hope. i cant reach my weigh goal. i know we all have heard: god wont give us somthing we cant handle. but he has i cant handle anorexia. i have never been more lost. we recently put my dog to sleep so i got depressed and stopped eating for a while and my weight started going down. i feel that day by day my weight goal is getting farther and farther away from coming true. is this reality for me? will i always be this way? god please help me i cant do this on my own. and for all of u i have wronged, please forgive me.

[tickledturtles]

I understand where u r coming from but u just need to stay positive. being negitive wont get u anywhere in life. i realise u r going through a tough time but if i where you i would feel much better if i told a close friend. i did and she supports me to this day. u can do it

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by aalazhe

i dont understand why God did this to me. you know how people say god has it all mapped out?

First off, God didn't do this to you.....God has given all humans free will, the ability to make good & bad choices with our lives & how we choose to eat & how we choose to see our body is OUR CHOICE....Anorexia is a bad choice, not something that God makes us do...know you are young & probably haven't learned all of this yet in your life. Some people have bad abuse in their life or have been raped, or have gone through abortions or trauma's of some sort that gives a person reasons where they feel the need for control or they hate the looks of their body because of it. Girls that are into gymnastics or sports there they have excessive exercise can tend to get into the eating habits that keep the weight low......there are all kinds of reasons including being in a family with a mother who is overly concerned with her weight.....but the bottom line is that it's our own choice to get into the anorexic behavior......God has nothing to do with our choice to get into it....but our body is the temple of God & God tells us to take care of our body.....so it's our responsibility to take that responsibility seriously.

where does this map take me where will i end up as an anorexic? will i be bouncing in and out of hospitals fo my whole life will i die of a heart attack do i have refeeding syndrome?

What do you want your life to look like? At your age, you have your life ahead of you to make it what you want. You are not stuck with being anorexic & being in & out of hospitals unless that's the life you want.....you have to want to change first off. I know that even at my older age, when I was struggling with anorexia....I was struggling with a lot of other bad things going on in my life.....& to be honest, the times I was in the hospital.....I needed the attention that I was getting there & I needed the psych hospital care I got after getting out of the medical hospital & the outpatient treatment along with the private treatment.....because there were so many issues that were involved with the anorexia besides the desire to loose the weight. When things that happened that would normally make anyone loose their appetite (like the death of your puppy dog) would cause me to stop eating normally, but when my weight was already so low, I didn't have any extra weight to loose because I was already at a critical place.....so it triggered even more weight loss which was even harder to stop once it started loosing again. But the bottom line was that I was the only one who could control & force myself to eat enough to get through it even though I didn't feel like it & really didn't even want to.......there was also a part of me at that time that didn't want to live.......all things you have to be honest about to yourself & hopefully you have a good therapist who is working with you in dealing with the issues that are causing you to be struggling with this so bad.

people say things happen for a reason. whats the reason to make me suffer. i thought you loved me god.

You don't always see the reasons at the time it's happening to you.....the reason usually comes later in life....when you run into other people who are struggling with the same thing you have struggled with & you can relate to them & help them get through their struggle by sharing your struggle with them & what you were able to do to recover. I have found out that it's the things I have suffered with that are the things that have been used to help others....not the good times of my life. You are young & you haven't had the years yet to experience this......but God knows what your future holds. I never thought that the loss of my engineering career could ever be of any good for anything as it took me into major depression, suicide attempts, anorexia, & many other horrible things that I lived through while trying to deal with it & not wanting to.....but I have been able to talk to others who have struggled with similar issues & have been able to talk with them & help them through some of their issues......those are the things that God uses our life for & our life experiences to help others.

why have you cursed me with somthing i dont understand non the less can i handle. i have given up hope. i cant reach my weigh goal. i know we all have heard: god wont give us somthing we cant handle. but he has i cant handle anorexia.

Remember, this is not something God gave you.....it's unfortunately a choice that we make & only we can make the choice to stop the behavior & change. God gives us good nutritionist & a good therapist & hopefully supportive parents who help us work through the issues that are causing us to have the behavior in the first place.....but it's up to us to break the behavior....no one can do it for us......they can possibly help us find our incentive to stop....but no one can make us stop other than our own selves.

It doesn't happen over night...it took me several years both times to get to a safe weight....it takes time, but you can handle it....it's not something that massive or that great that can't be stopped & it's easier to have the help & stop at your age than if you were to ignore it & keep the behavior going all your life where the behavior becomes even more of a habit

i have never been more lost. we recently put my dog to sleep so i got depressed and stopped eating for a while and my weight started going down. i feel that day by day my weight goal is getting farther and farther away from coming true.

Like I said before, your reaction to the loss of your dog is normal for any person.....but a normal person doesn't have the already low weight where the not eating becomes even more of a problem. When bad things like this happen & we are already at a bad place, we just need to force ourselves to eat an oatmeal cookie, or a 1/2 grilled cheese. Something mild that won't upset our stomach....is all we can do....& there comes a time when we have to force ourselves to do what we know is right & healthy when extra bad things hit us when we are already down.....& I'm sure your parents are helpful in providing you with the small amounts of food that you need to have several times a day.

is this reality for me? will i always be this way? god please help me i cant do this on my own.

The choice is yours....it doesn't have to be your reality.....& it doesn't have to always be this way.....but that choice is yours. No one says that you have to do it all on your own....God gives us good therapists, nutritionists, psychiatrists if they find medication might help you ......but all they can do is give you the motivation......they can't give you the desire or the will to want to stop the anorexia.....that has to come from within you & you can do this if you truly want to & in doing it, you can be an inspiration for others in the long run to show others that it can be done.

I know you can do this....just because it isn't happening immediately for something that takes much time to be successful.....don't get discouraged....this is a good thing to also learn your patience on

[AlabasterMoon]

I might seem obnoxious, but I know now why the perspective by non-ED's is that ED's are self-obsessed or self-absorbed. I also can't imagine the torture that severe ED's go through on a daily basis. My ED has never been too severe, nor has my mental health. I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks back in the day when a housekeeper at the Army hospital where I worked heard me evacuating in a bathroom at midnight. She drug me to the hospital administrator and the ball started rolling from there. I even worked on a psychiatric ward when this all happened. Ironies, that is the most consistent aspect of life. Ironies are everywhere. How God figures into all that probably has to do with exercising and strengthening our mental and spiritual muscles.

I still "struggle" with the binge / purge / restrict issues. But I must be a stubborn sob because I haven't changed...only slowed down. I certainly disagree with the current American height / weight standards. If my weight fell within the prescribed range, I'd never leave the house. Those standards classify me as underweight, but I feel much more confident at the weight I am. If I'm eating healthy fruits and vegetables and drinking plenty of fluids, as well as getting regular exercise, I feel great. My own body tells me when I'm pushing limits. I might have an ED, but I certainly don't feel nearly as at-risk and unhealthy as others I've read about, like you, for instance. Apparently Borderline Personality and Avoidant Personality are often associated with bulimia and anorexia, respectively. That spells trouble and if you're struggling with depression or unstable emotions, I highly recommend you get that treated before you can even begin to figure out why it is you're locked in a mental prison of anorexia. I could almost say that I envy your lack of an appetite, but it would be undermining the suffering you live with on a daily basis. Whenever I've restricted for too long, my brain triggers my appetite and I go through a phase of doubt and confusion. My thoughts during those times: I want to eat normally, but I'll get fat and feel horribly "regular". No, I want to stay thin and lose more weight because I'll feel better about myself. Oh, nobody cares how much you weigh and when has the weight of the world ever rested on your losing one more pound?

These are the questions that run through my mind when my appetite is kicking my butt. Typically, I give in and eat much...and then the guilt and physical discomfort set in. And the only recourse is elimination of the products. Or so my mind dictates. I know I have a choice. I know that there is a moment every time when I decide to go beyond acceptable intake and decide that it will be a binge. It doesn't happen often, but I still find it unhealthily pleasurable. If pleasure weren't involved, I could have quit years ago. The elimination aspect though is the troubling part. I hate being trapped inside a bathroom for two or three or four hours while I make sure every morsel has been removed. Those are the times when I swear it off. I tell myself that if I'm gonna binge, I should tolerate the extreme mental and physical discomfort. But once I'm there again, feeling bloated and overstuffed and miserable, the bathroom calls to me. So easy to eliminate, why not? It's been several days or weeks...it won't hurt. Sometimes I feel like a slave to my appetite and a slave to my fears of being fat. I can't get over the fear. And the high after I undo the damage is a guarantee that I'll return like a dog to its vomit...no pun intended. A binge is too easy to undo; how many mistakes in life can we say that we can undo?

I'm sure my discourse / description will offer condolence to someone / somewhere, but I'm really being selfish and not too empathetic. I'm at home, supposed to be working, procrastinating instead, and I COULD be doing unhealthier things like eating. There are so many things I could be eating and enjoying, but instead, I'm trying to offer solace to the inconsolable. I hope that, as young as you seem to be, you find the answer to your question...the big question. Why. Perhaps "why" is not really the question you should be asking. But "what next". Many many people (the famous, the infamous, the unknown) have accomplished great things in history from the most deplorable, devastating, and depressing points in their lives. Perhaps you will be one of them.