[serenity24]

Today has been a really bad day...infact its been a bad week but todays was espically hard.....its the one year anniversay of my dads death. Ed has really been kicking my butt for a while and went into overdrive todady along with my depression. I don't know how to let myself cry and for that reason ive never really been able to grieve the loss of my father. I carry a lot of shame and guilt in me and the inablitiy to release it and my sadness has me feeling nauseas. I miss him so much and know he'd be so disappointed that im doing this to myself again but it has total control over me right now and i really dont want it but im afraid of not having it at the same time. If i could just let myserlf cry some over all that i have lost i think it might help some.

[eskielover]

I can understand how you are feeling....it was exactly the way I was feeling a year after my mother died.....& that whole year after the trauma the home care person caused me was a nightmare of the anorexia having control.....along with the PTSD from the trauma....but it was the trigger that caused the anorexia to have the control.

My pdoc actually had me get into outpatient treatment at the year point....it was a long drive from my home & I couldn't get back into my mother's house because of the trauma which was much closer to the hospital for them to pick me up daily in their van. I tried driving the first day & got in 2 rear end accidents within less than an hour trying to drive home because I guess I had dissociated while driving & not eating....my brain wasn't working either.....& I couldn't eat bacause of the nausea from all the emotions I didn't even realize were going on inside of me.

I know for me also that I was so angry at my mother for being so stupid......she was 80 years old & completely ignored the cancer until it was stage IV....a cancer that was obvious if she hadn't kept ignoring it & thinking it was nothing......then I was angry at her for allowing the situation to happen where the criminal home care person manipulated her way into caring for my mother because she wouldn't communicate with me & coordinate with her Dr's the care she really needed after getting out of the hospital.....my anger took over & I did absolutely no greiving & no one knew how to help me because of the trauma & the PTSD it caused the anorexia I was struggling with because of it.

Any time we hold our emotions in no matter where it comes from causes that kind of nausea you are experiencing.....which in turn causes the ED to get worse.

You need some professional help to deal with all of this....most of the time if we deal with the emotional issues, the ED we find has been caused by it & that will also improve.