Guess it's about that time...here is my story thus far...how I got here

This is my story of life with Ed. I tried to dig deep and pull out as many details as I could, and well, here it is:

Ed and I were first acquainted a long time ago. He was very close with her, for many years. I saw her struggle, and I sat there, helpless. I’ll never forget her birthday party at which her mother asked if any of us could get her to eat. That was in 8th grade. Little did I know, Ed had been sneaking around for a time before that, and would later creep up on me and join me by my side which is where he still stands today.

Looking back as far as I can into our history, I can trace it back to about 6th grade, the beginning of middle school. I, like most other pubescent girls could name something wrong with every part of my body from my hair to my toes. I was skinny as a rail, and always had been as a child, but of course, my body was changing. The very first first comment that was made to me that still sticks out to me to this day was that I was a “White Barbie doll” which I denied because I was neither white, nor pretty. In 7th grade, I started hearing about my legs. I was told that I had “man legs” and was constantly made fun of for it. I was an athlete, I had been playing basketball for years, and had started track as well. Not to mention, I danced, and started doing musical theatre too, so yes, my legs were larger than the average 13 year old girls’. It was then that I decided I could never have my legs so big that my thighs touched, which I guess in a way triggered me to watch my figure. It was also during 7th grade that I stopped eating breakfast regularly. I just couldn’t. I can now say that it was probably anxiety based, especially since that is a major trigger for me now, but at the time, all I could say was that I didn’t like eating in the morning and that doing it, or even thinking of it made me sick. In 8th grade, I started taking dance more seriously, and took no less than 2 classes a week. That year had a standout moment as well -- the first time I was ever measured and could compare myself to other girls in a concrete way. Since I was part of a group of women in the show I was doing at school that year (The Music Man) that was going to have custom fitted costumes, we all had to be measured so they would fit right. I don’t remember the other girl’s sizes, but I remember mine: Waist size, 27”. Even then, I compared it to the others’ and although I didn’t think much about it then, I now know that was a contributing factor.

Middle school passed, and then I started high school. In 9th grade, I was what I considered a true dancer. I took 2-3 technique classes a week plus practiced as much as I could outside of class time. This meant that my body was consistently exposed in a way that most young teenagers don’t experience on a regular basis because I had to wear a leotard and tights, and the only coverup allowed was a short skirt (which I consistently made use of). I also ran track, but on Varsity, and I participated in preseason training for the first time which was intense, but I loved because it gave me a reason to work on my body even more. My favorite was the abs workout, and my goal, a 6 pack. I became obsessed with losing all my stomach fat and having the perfect, flat stomach, and every morning and every night, I would do as many ab workouts as I could stand until I felt the burn so much it hurt to the point of having to stop. I don’t think the obsession with my stomach ever went away after that. In 10th grade, I started pointe which put even more pressure on me to look good because as a dancer en pointe, you’re supposed to look flawless and graceful, and how can one be graceful with big legs and a big butt? What about with a gut? (or so I questioned). In the spring of my sophomore year, I participated in my first high school musical, Beauty and the Beast. I played various roles in the ensemble, and two of them seriously made me question myself and my body and whether I was good enough. For my role as a napkin, I was considered one of the best dancers in the cast, and I didn’t see myself as up to par with the other 5 napkins, so I constantly worked out and stretched and tried to perfect my body even more. For my role as a wolf, my costume consisted of leggings, which I didn’t feel comfortable wearing, even in rehearsal, a shirt, a vest, and a mask. So even though no one would be able to identify me in any way, I was ashamed of my body and I wanted to hide it. I didn’t think it was good enough to be wearing leggings. I thought I was too fat.

I don’t remember exactly when I started actively restricting, but it must have been sometime between 9th and 11th grade I guess. I know though that especially when I was doing a show, I would eat less. I almost always skipped dinner in addition to breakfast which I had already been skipping since middle school, and I usually only had a small snack or two between lunch and bed. Even for long rehearsals, I would bring things like baby carrots and cheese sticks rather than an actual meal.

The rest of high school came and went, and so did I; off to college. I had what I thought of as a fairly typical freshman year. I made a lot of friends, rethought my major, and started to find my way in the world without my parents. I remember that I didn’t gain the “Freshman 15”, and that in fact, if anything, I had lost a bit of weight during the year. Not only that, but I was proud. I chalked it up to eating better than your average freshman, and exercising more. Ed alert. I can safely say that freshman year, I was restricting. A lot. I never ate breakfast, ate nothing but wraps and/or salad for lunch, and usually had the same for dinner. I kept very little food in my room as well to avoid snacking. And at the same time, not only did I dance, but I worked out outside of that, and when I went to the gym, it was all about calorie burning and nothing else. These workouts would often come after eating a protein bar, and if I didn’t burn at least as many calories as I had just eaten, it wasn’t a successful workout.

Sophomore year was the year of big trouble. I started my clinical nursing which was the most stressful thing I’ve ever done in my entire life, and, also that fall semester, my best friend from home got extremely sick and was in and out of the hopsital which added to my stress levels. My anxiety levels reached an all time high, and I stopped eating almost altogether. For breakfast, I had nothing but a protein shake, and that was out of necessity, and on a good day. Lunch was almost always some sort of low calorie microwaveable meal, and dinner only happened when my friends dragged me out of my room and to the caf. By January, I was at my lowest weight since I entered high school. I was also extremely mentally unstable. These behaviors and patterns continued throughout the spring semester which is also when I was diagnosed as bipolar.

The summer after my sophomore year and fall of my junior year comprise a pivotal time for Ed and I. Because of the medications that I had been put on to help control the bipolar, I gained a lot of weight, and I went from my personal low to a personal high. There was one time that I was getting ready for a job interview, and I literally had no appropriate clothes to wear that fit me, so I had to borrow my mom’s. It was at that point that I knew there was going to be trouble, and ever since then, I have been completely weight obsessed and playing the numbers game. I joined Planet Fitness, and like I did my freshman year, I would workout on a regular basis and only care about the numbers. If I didn’t burn enough calories, I’d stay longer to meet my goal. I don’t recall doing so actively, but I was most likely restricting at that time too. When I went back to campus in the spring, I moved into a townhouse and out of the dorms for the first time in my college career. This meant no meal plan which effectively meant no friends making me go eat in the caf every night. The following summer (last summer), my goal was to lose weight, and it was helped by the fact that I was a camp counselor at a sports campl, and I easily walked 3+ miles a day for my job and didn’t eat much either which most people never said a word about, probably because they didn’t care, and/or because the food really sucked and they didn’t particularly want to eat it either. My (now-ex) boyfriend would sometimes notice though, and being the great guy he is, told me that my body was perfect and that that I shouldn’t worry about it, but of course, with Ed being there too, I was getting two conflicting views and mixed messages. Thinking about it now, I feel like that was part of the block we and I had in our relationship. I wouldn’t even let him put his hands anywhere on my body other than my back, arms and lower legs because I was embarrassed by the rest, and it was something he didn’t understand.

This past year at school, I lived in an apartment, and so did most of my friends, so we rarely had reason to go eat together in the cafeteria. The friend I lived with was rarely home, so I usually ended up eating alone. At first, I was pretty good about cooking and eating because it was still new and a novelty, but as time went on, I cooked less and less. And then, even though I had a large stockpile of food, I just wouldn’t eat it. Sometimes, I would want something, cook it, eat two bites and be done. I mainly sustained myself with protein bars and fruit, sometimes yogurt and vegetables as well. If I did make/eat dinner, it was usually just a small portion of chicken and vegetables.

And that brings us to the present. Actively restricting, exercising without having eaten, and admitting that I have a problem and asking for help. No matter how much I try to deny it or rationalize it, I know Ed is with me. And as much as I’ve been clinging to him for the past number of years since middle school in various ways, I’ve realized that he’s no good and that he shouldn’t be in my life anymore. I’m ready to say goodbye.

The above is what I am giving to my T at our next session. A few weeks ago, we started digging a bit, but this goes back even farther. It required a lot of thought and effort to figure out because it's been part of my life for pretty much as long as I can remember now.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm inspired by your honesty and vulnerability.

Thank you. T read this today. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in T...just sit there and watch her see the story unfold and make little comments to herself or ask clarifying questions...but now the cat's out of the bag...so, there's really no hiding or denying it now.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Thanks for sharing. I hope you and your T can shoot ED in the head and make sure he's dead.

Wow... that is a long history and journey of you and ed. Thank you so much for sharing. It actually encouraged me to be more accepting of having to go to a nutritionalist. I hope things have gotten better since this post!

I forgot that I even made this post...and wow! I just read it again, and it almost brought me to tears. Man was I a wreck!!

I am doing a lot better now, but I'd be lying if I said that I'm not struggling. I just have to remember that recovery is an ongoing process.

Amazing how you are able to share your thoughts with us so honestly. I know that I have a problem with Ed and body dismorphia, and have since I was a young girl (I'm now 40), and I'm just now starting to admit to myself that I have a serious problem. The fact that I look at every calorie, that I will skip meal upon meal upon meal, and hide it from friends and family members, tell myself that I'm not hungry when I am, and stare at my body for hours and criticize every single part of myself. I know that all of these things are not normal behaviors, but I can't stop. Just like I can't stop letting my body weight get so low that my husband tells me that I look sick. That he can see every bone in my body protruding, so i will gain a couple of pounds so he is happy for a while. Then I will loose it again. And we start all over. So, thank you for your post. It gives me and I'm sure others strength to fight ed also.