[ttws13]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and new to world of ed. I guess I don't really know what is going on with me. I know I have a problem, but I don't know what it is. It all started just this summer from what I can figure out. I came home from my junior year of college where I had been just eating normally including plenty of junk food and late night snacks. I remember being excited to return to healthier eating habits at home. I was proud of eating more veggies and such, but I slowly changed. I began to get full from eating less food than normal. This is something that I became almost proud of. I remember making comments every night after dinner like, "I just don't eat very much any more, and I get full so quick." I began putting smaller and smaller portions on my plate at meals.

Then one day I skipped breakfast and lunch and just ate a snack to get through work that afternoon. That night I ate a small dinner, about half of what I consider normal. Something bad happened in my head that day. I realized that skipping meals is something I can handle. This is something that never ever crossed my mind before that day. That was the day before the 4th of July, and I have been restricting ever since. I have lost weight in just the last 10 days, and that scares me. I have also began weighing myself every morning. I do this in secret because I don't want my parents to notice.

I'm very confused as to why I am doing this to myself. I don't see myself as overweight (I'm normal for my height, I know I can't post numbers). I'm actually pretty confident with the way my body looks. However, I have a very large fear of gaining weight in the future because my mom is very overweight. I see her struggling with self esteem, and don't want to end up like her. Also, I don't know if this would have anything to do with anything, but I struggled with Selective Mutism from the time I was in preschool all the way until I was almost 14. I have pretty much completely conquered that (I'm now 21), but it was a major part of my life, so I thought I would mention it.

I know what I am doing is horrible for my health, and some days I can reason with myself to eat more. But other days, a different voice inside my head takes over. It's like I know what I am doing is bad, I just don't care. I guess what I am trying to get at is the question we probably all have about ourselves in the beginning. Does this sound like an ed? If it does, what should I do? Thanks so much to anyone who reads all of this, I know it's long, I'm just very confused and scared!

[SingDanceRunLife]

There is definitely something disordered in your thoughts. I think it would be best to go see a professional as we on the boards can't diagnose you. But get help before this progresses. If you let that voice in your head keep telling you what to do, you'll be going down a very dark path for a very long time. I'm about your age (I'm 22), and I first started skipping meals in 7th grade (so around 13). Things only progressed and got worse from there until this year when I was eating max of 1 meal a day and finally said "Ok Ed, I'm tired of you, I want you out" and came out of denial and asked for help. Don't wait as long as I did. You don't want to torture yourself or harm yourself.

[buttrfli42481]

I agree with SDRL. Get help before it gets worse. I am 32 and have been dealing with ED since I was 15. I am petite to begin with, so my mom never really noticed when I lost some weight. I was a swimmer and HAD to have that "perfect" body. My coaches didn't even notice. It wasn't until last year that I was officially diagnosed. I have spent a total of 30 days inpatient, 2 different admissions. I am now well on my way to recovery. I have been at a stable weight for about 3 months or so. Don't let those thoughts take hold, kick them to the curb fast. Please talk to your GP about your concerns.

[ttws13]

Thanks for the help everyone. Since I wrote my original post, things went even more downhill because I started counting calories and obsessing over staying under my calories at the most each day. Anyway, I finally told my mom Thursday night about everything (brought it up on accident but at least she knows now I guess). She of course gave me the whole speech on why what I'm doing is wrong and stuff, and I agreed with her. I told her that I would stop skipping meals and counting calories. I've done better with eating more with her watching me, but my thoughts haven't changed and I'm still keeping track of the calories. I also decided to stop weighing myself, but that only lasted one day. Since she's making me eat more I'm increasing my exercise a lot to burn the extra calories off. I don't know what to do because I can tell she doesn't understand. She said that I haven't been doing all of this long enough to not be able to stop. I tried to tell her but she just doesn't get it since she's never had this problem. Plus, on August 15th I'm headed back to college, so I won't be home and I know it will be easy to slip back. I'm trying my best to get back to normal though!

[eskielover]

Just a thought.......are you seeing a T for your the selective mutism that you were dealing with before?.......there may be some tie in between why you were dealing with that & why you are now dealing with disordered eating? Definitely something you need to talk with a T about.....& see if they can't help you process the WHY?

I really got angry at the ED treatment center because they tried to force the idea that I had a body image problem.....which was something I didn't have & really never had.....yes, I didn't want to gain weight as my mother had....but honestly, I could see myself in the proper perspective.....bur for me, the trigger is major stress.

Growing up, even minor stress caused me to loose weight...but not until major stresses hit at the age of 43 & then again at 53 did the anorexia really set in both times.

It's really important to go back to where it's coming from & work with a T to help you get past it so that you won't be haunted with a serious ED later on in your life.

There are wonderful professionals out there to help. I wasn't so lucky to find any at the time I was struggling.....but there are wonderful professionals that specialize in ED's & it's better to get the problem under control now than later.

I know for me always when I started loosing weight it would almost become addictive to see just how much I could loose each time I got on the scales.....even though I knew I was too thin at the end....that feel of always wanting to loose more & more......that saying "if a little is good, a lot is even better"......definitely NOT true with weight loss....but it definitely feels that way when you get into the loosing pattern....don't know why that addictive feeling hits....maybe it has to do with control....or who knows.....each person has their own individual thoughts & reasoning they really need to figure out.....that is what is so hard with ED's because there is usually so much background & usually traumatic situations that a person has experienced that sometimes don't even remember that is really underneath the ED from even before it becomes an actual ED......that is why therapy & processing the WHY is so very important.