Anorexia has ravaged my health.

I've struggled with anorexia since I was 7 years old. The first time I thought I was fat I remember vividly at 4yo. I was getting ready for gymnastics and in my red leotard. I was in front of the mirror I'm my parents room and that is when I saw my belly protruding. Or to my belief it was. I was a competitive gymnast by 6 and real fear set in by 7and total restriction and stealing my moms or the local pharmacies diet pills became a regular habit.
over the last 31 years I've been hospitalized 7times at severely dangerous weights. Several time tube fed and always on a heart monitor and potassium drip.
each hospitalization has lasted 4-5 months.
as a result of long term relationship with my eating disorder I now have gastroparesis, in the last 5weeks I've been hospitalized 25 days for idiopathic pancreatitis, severe h-pylori infection, peptic ulcer disease gastritis and colitis. I have no actually been able to eat for 8 weeks due to the stomach disease and pains. Even ensure usually gets vomited back up due to pain and non digestion.
in the hospital I was Npo for several days then put on a tube feed to try to get my electrolytes back to normal.
I can't take or am allergic to the meds for gastroparesis and did receive botox injections for it with little help.
I am now very bloated and severely stressed.
Actually for the first time in my life I can actually see the thinness in my face but I don't see it anywhere else. I keep weighing myself and although the stomach disease has caused weight loss I still want more but at the same time I don't.
I don't think that I can handle too much more pain mentally or physically. I'm ready to be freed.

The want has to be there and it is. There has to come time to where you are tired of living and feeling like you are. Trust in your doctors and let them take care of you. This will not be easy by any means. Trust the process.

I hope you are sure that you are NOT willing to take it any longer....it's sad that we allow ourselves to get to the place where there is irreversible damage done to ourselves before we are willing to put a stop to it.

Sad that children are pushed into the gymnastics competition driving them at that young age & that the diet pills were in your house & were a part of your mother's life or you wouldn't have even known about them at that age. We never think of how we are destroying our own children's lives when we think we are doing them a favor & doing what we think will make their lives worthwhile.....on how sad when parents don't even see the big picture.

I hope you are willing to work as hard at getting back to health as you were to the working hard to allow the anorexia to control your life. Takes a lot of work & practice to change thought processes.....but that's what it takes to get through all mental illness struggles.

Wishing you the best with changing & healing & a successful outcome inspite of the damage that has already been done & hopefully the ability to reverse as much as possible the damage you are struggling with.

I know that when I go for awhile without eating...when I get back to eating it goes through immediately....no need for laxitives...my body does a good job all on it's own.......so I realize just how important eating right & consistently is for our health.

Listen to your MD & allow them to have the control that you need for them to have right now even if it feels wrong & miserable to give up any level of control.....at this point it's the only way to survive.

Anorexia, as well as a period of Bulimia/Purging Anorexia in my teens, has ravaged my health too. I've lost some of my teeth, and the rest of my top teeth are too badly damaged to save, so at some point in the next few months they will need to be removed and I'll be fitted with a denture; I have permanent muscle damage from having severe electrolyte imbalances, chronic malnutrition has left me with Peripheral Neuropathy (nerve damage), and my digestive system no longer functions properly - I have IBS, Gastroparesis (delayed stomach emptying) and GERD (Gastro Oesophagul Reflux Disorder). Because of the damage that's happened to my body due to having Anorexia, I'm now dependent on daily pain medication (Tramadol).

I developed Anorexia at the age of 8, although first signs appeared, looking back, around the age of 5 tor 6. I'm 41 now, and I've been in recovery for 10 years this year. I'm not fully recovered, I'm about 75% of the way there, but I am weight and nutrition restored and have been able to stop most of my behaviours and reduce the compulsive thoughts down to more a background noise that I can easily ignore most of the time. I do have little slips here and there, I do have minor relapses from time to time, and I do still sometimes struggle with ritualising around food or food shopping, but for the most part I'm doing pretty well. If you look at my timeline over all, I was actively eating disordered for 24 years, and currently in recovery/remission for 10 years, so that's an over all total of 34 years of dealing with this illness. In that time as well I received two separate death sentences, and my parents were told to prepare for my funeral.

The reason I'm telling you this is because nearly every GP, Pdoc, and T had given up on me by the time I was really ready to recover. They considered me too chronic a case, too far gone, I'd developed the disorder too early, there was nothing they could do for me except help me learn to just 'exist' (more like subsist) with my illness, and that was it. And that was bull! I've come further with recovery than any of the naysayers said I ever would, and so can you. There is no such thing as a hopeless case, or someone who is too sick, or too far gone. Yes I still have issues that I am continuing to work on with my current Pdoc who actually does believe I can recover fully, and yes recovery is/was bloody hard work. But it's worth it. It's worth it for that one moment of freedom when you look around and suddenly realise that the Anorexic voice has stopped screaming at you for a few hours, and then a whole day, and then a week. It's worth it for the times when you look in the mirror, or look down at yourself in the shower and for a moment you actually like what you see, you feel proud of your body, you get dressed up and go out with your head held high because you actually feel good! The Anorexia might still be there, buzzing away quietly in the background, but now it's just an annoying mosquito that you can swat away.

Recovery is possible for everyone. And that includes you.

Good luck!