[Salmacis]

Haven't been to the forum in quite awhile, but been showing up for my therapy sessions. After a year of psychotherapy and 9+ months of no drugs/alcohol, I have been graced with a diagnosis:

BiPolar Disorder (Fast Cycling)
Antisocial Personality Disorder (comorbid with Schizotypal Personality Disorder)
Drugs: 2.5 mg Abilify/day

It was kind of like she dropped a bomb on me & I'm still processing it - so I came here. Said we'll "talk more about it next time..."

Anyway, was anyone else here a bit surprised to get an ASPD diagnosis? I guess I had just never really thought about it. For that matter, I never worried how the world perceived me. So, I guess I'm surprised? Or not. I really don't know. It's a lot to take in... I figured I just had a lot of pent up anger.

Any thoughts?

Well, it's good to hear you're off the drugs & alcohol! Those kind of exacerbate the initial problem. And it's also good that she's still planning on keeping therapy with you after the dx. Most people won't bother or they'll act all ****ing victimised for no reason! So... I'd definitely stick with her. She sounds decent.

As for getting a dx? Hasn't been formally recorded, thankfully. But it was strange vs. surprising to be even informally categorized as such. Made sense the more I analysed it though. I've been dx'd as conduct disorder when I was a child & had some disconcerting behaviour but it never really occured to me that it was an issue. Everyone just finds me "quirky" & pragmatic/blunt/abrasive, so no one's ever brought anything to my attention.

It has not a great deal of impact on my existence unless I'm in a manic spell, where it goes haywire & starts to cause significant difficulties/impairment. Usually I am able to run on an autopilot-like setting where I am able to keep myself pacified & out of trouble. So it wasn't really until my Bipolar surfaced that it made any difference in my life whatsoever... Never really considered it beforehand. I was just operating under the impression that I was a very reasonable individual. It's still silly to me that not acting like everyone else is means for a diagnosis, but whatever. Hahah!

</end coffee-induced rambling>

[Salmacis]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Well, it's good to hear you're off the drugs & alcohol! Those kind of exacerbate the initial problem. And it's also good that she's still planning on keeping therapy with you after the dx. Most people won't bother or they'll act all ****ing victimised for no reason! So... I'd definitely stick with her. She sounds decent.

As for getting a dx? Hasn't been formally recorded, thankfully. But it was strange vs. surprising to be even informally categorized as such. Made sense the more I analysed it though. I've been dx'd as conduct disorder when I was a child & had some disconcerting behaviour but it never really occured to me that it was an issue. Everyone just finds me "quirky" & pragmatic/blunt/abrasive, so no one's ever brought anything to my attention.

It has not a great deal of impact on my existence unless I'm in a manic spell, where it goes haywire & starts to cause significant difficulties/impairment. Usually I am able to run on an autopilot-like setting where I am able to keep myself pacified & out of trouble. So it wasn't really until my Bipolar surfaced that it made any difference in my life whatsoever... Never really considered it beforehand. I was just operating under the impression that I was a very reasonable individual. It's still silly to me that not acting like everyone else is means for a diagnosis, but whatever. Hahah!

</end coffee-induced rambling>

Many thanks for the response, Shayatanica! It's interesting to note that we both have the manic issues. My manic spells tend to manifest in more aggression/irritability, so it's also more problematic for me to my daily life than the depressive phase (though I absolutely hate the depressive phase because I don't FEEL like doing ANYTHING and have serious problems making decisions - something I'm usually very good about).

Things definitely became more clear for me after I became sober. I did a whole bunch of things I'm actually somewhat embarrassed by while under the influence. Somewhat unfortunately, I no longer had an excuse for my behavior. So... enter the personality "disorder" diagnosis. I never received any therapy or diagnosis as a child, but in hindsight, I definitely wasn't a "normal" child. Add to that, my folks always treated me as if I was perfect & justified in all that I did. Not that I blame them (I feel I was justified, too).

P.S. - I also LOVE the coffee... Manic, depressive, or otherwise... I just can't get enough caffeine.

It's funny, whenever I actually get talkative, it seems no one else is around. :P
Yeah I tend to get really aggressive too. I'm usually not a very aggressive person; generally keep a very calm composure. But it's like something totally snaps & I have to do everything NOW & at the expense of everything or everyone else. Usually I can keep myself from being impulsive, manipulative for no reason, or otherwise unpleasant. It's funny to recall after the fact, but usually pretty maddening... But yeah, I can't honestly say I'd rather have one or the other myself. Be ragingly pissed all of the time to the point that it borders on combustion or just sit everyday doing absolutely nothing & being absolutely bored out of my skull?

That's the point where things really suck! When things become clear not only to yourself, but the people around you, that there's no other excuse. It's like everyone expects you to be suddenly a totally different person now that you don't have yourself pumped full of substances. Granted... Some people are? But I think that's an unfair judgement. Most people who escape reality have some sort of pathological reason behind it.

They never had the balls to tell me my diagnosis. In highschool, I got to look through some of my records from elementary school in order to fill out a scholarship application... When the receptionist left, I pulled out a couple more folders & found stuff from when I had to see the school psychologist after acting out too much! Those were fun to look through. It wasn't an actual diagnosis, but it was theorised & it seems to make sense in hindsight.
Ooooh, both my Mum & Dad were Bipolar I, so there were a bunch of mixed messages. My Dad was a narcissist & I think my Mum is histrionic. They were abusive, but then thought I was the best thing to ever happen to the world. Then they blamed me for **** that I obviously had nothing to do with, then said I was the favourite child. I also wonder if being chronically enforced with messages that I don't care about others' had anything to do with my current programming or if it was the truth.

****, I'd have a coffee IV if it would taste as good! Hahaha

[Salmacis]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

It's funny, whenever I actually get talkative, it seems no one else is around. :P
Yeah I tend to get really aggressive too. I'm usually not a very aggressive person; generally keep a very calm composure. But it's like something totally snaps & I have to do everything NOW & at the expense of everything or everyone else. Usually I can keep myself from being impulsive, manipulative for no reason, or otherwise unpleasant. It's funny to recall after the fact, but usually pretty maddening... But yeah, I can't honestly say I'd rather have one or the other myself. Be ragingly pissed all of the time to the point that it borders on combustion or just sit everyday doing absolutely nothing & being absolutely bored out of my skull?

I completely understand about the impulsive "snapping" bit. I seriously thought I might have that Intermittent Explosive Anger thing, but it's apparently more than that. Then, I thought maybe it was just a horrible bout of PMS - except I can snap at any time. The rage thing was all I went to therapy for originally. Guess it's a good thing. At least I can get meds now that mellow me a bit. The depressive phase is just torturous though... I find myself going to bed early just to end the boring day already. LOL

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

That's the point where things really suck! When things become clear not only to yourself, but the people around you, that there's no other excuse. It's like everyone expects you to be suddenly a totally different person now that you don't have yourself pumped full of substances. Granted... Some people are? But I think that's an unfair judgement. Most people who escape reality have some sort of pathological reason behind it.

Could not agree more w/this!! I was guilty of that thinking, too. I really thought a lot of my issues would have subsided after I stopped using/drinking. Nope. They actually got worse. I felt completely nuts! Especially since I can now remember all the stupid/crazy things I do when I get upset. I honestly have no clue what other people expected of me, though...

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

They never had the balls to tell me my diagnosis. In highschool, I got to look through some of my records from elementary school in order to fill out a scholarship application... When the receptionist left, I pulled out a couple more folders & found stuff from when I had to see the school psychologist after acting out too much! Those were fun to look through. It wasn't an actual diagnosis, but it was theorised & it seems to make sense in hindsight.

I'm really curious now what my youth files contain! Wonder if there's any way to demand them since I'm an adult now... Would be a very fun read.

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Ooooh, both my Mum & Dad were Bipolar I, so there were a bunch of mixed messages. My Dad was a narcissist & I think my Mum is histrionic. They were abusive, but then thought I was the best thing to ever happen to the world. Then they blamed me for **** that I obviously had nothing to do with, then said I was the favourite child. I also wonder if being chronically enforced with messages that I don't care about others' had anything to do with my current programming or if it was the truth.

Both parents bipolar?! Wow... I guess your chances were pretty high of getting it too. I'm pretty sure my mom is bipolar (or something) but she would never admit she had a problem or stand for any kind of diagnosis. My dad is pretty normal - a bit OCD, but very patient and stable. My brother, on the other hand, is a complete psycho.

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

****, I'd have a coffee IV if it would taste as good! Hahaha

A coffee IV!? Ah... squee! That would be FAB!! :-)

I'm incredibly iffy about meds. I guess I'm weird in the way that I absolutely have no problem spilling out all of the awful **** in the corners of my mind under the condition that I'm not to be medicated? Most people generally lie on the inverse spectrum. I just don't like legal psychoactive substances. They freak me out, I guess... It's an uncomfortable notion, having some stranger giving me medication to tinker with my chemical balance & neurotransmitters. It's incredibly invasive. *shivers*

Damn, that sucks. I'd have hated to have everything just kind of sneak up on me all of a sudden like that. It's kinda unnerving. It can be weird how easily the mind deceives itself... You have a certain impression of yourself throughout your life, based on your actions & how other people react to you. And to have it be totally dismantled can be a bit freaky. I wouldn't know, personally, but I can imagine so.

Depends on how old you are. I think they get rid of them after a certain period of time, if I'm not mistaken? I don't really recall since it was years ago. But I do know that you can at least get copies of your files, since you're entitled to your own information. Hahahaha I'm sure you would have loads of fun! I did. The funniest things were how the counsellor was trying to rationalise my behaviour with my usual demeanor... They kept thinking I was going through some sort of crisis & was trying to defer attention away from it? Lol, no idea.

Yeah, I'm ****ing lucky eh? Not to matter -- I think most of the general population is mentally ill but their stubborn delusions of normality keep them where they are, whereas it takes a dosage of courage to be faced with oneself. I'd rather be abnormal than a coward. Sucks about your brother, though. I see a lot of myself in my sister which skeeves me off a bit... There are just certain types of people I don't like interfacing with on a day-to-day basis. Other antisocials, narcissists, sadists, passive-aggressives, histrionic people, etc. It ****s with my groove & I really hate having my **** complicated.

While it would be fab... I wouldn't get to use my array of awesome coffee mugs! That would be disappointing.